Am I in the wrong to feel that he has lied and is being used?

cherryade

Just spoke to him, I told him to quit playing games and to talk about it. He said that he's had enough trying to speak to me (probably referring to the missed calls and me being 'mardy') to which he added 'you don't want to know then fair enough I'm going to sleep.'

Paddy'smum that is exactly how I feel right now, defo not a priority. If anything I must be a hassle getting in the way of helping his cousin out in his time of need.

Sambucus - I have a feeling that he really does believe that I'm over acting about this

savingmummy - I don't know this cousin very well personally but I have spent time with him within a wider group of people. He's the quiet sort, makes out he's scared of his wife etc, the boys are always teasing him about it.

Craftyscholar - as daft as he is he will probably take the loan on as his own and pay it off, he thinks his cousin is broke. In my opinion broke people don't make plans to buy houses and lend money that they have no intention of returning.

Oldernotwiser

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

they dont live together, are not married and dont have joint finances so just why should it be a joint decision?

Perhaps because they're engaged to be married?

sharnad

I'd be asking the cousin when he is going to pay themmoney back as you need it for the wedding do it loudly in front of his family and friends so he will at least be a bit embarrassed by stealing from you. Then tell your fianc! to stop putting you last or the guy is going to be he'll to live with when you are married

findingmyownway

Hi OP

Although I can see your point about why you don't want to help your OH pay off the debt now you know where the money has gone, I do think your logic is a bit flawed.

Whereever the money is now, the debt is not the cousins, it is your husbands. If the card is in his name then he is legally responsible for it. So, if the 0% period is running out then he is responsible for the interest etc and you as a couple need to decide if it is in YOUR best interests to pay the card off now or let the debt mount up (possibly affecting your chances of a mortgage etc).

I advise you to keep the things separate in your mind.....

1) Your OH owes the bank £2300 (or whatever the amount remaining was, i asssume he has been making the min payments for the last year).

2) The cousin owes your OH the value of the original loan plus interest.

IF you decide to pay off debt 1, it does not affect debt 2, that of course is still owed. I don't know how to go about getting that back... maybe have a word with the family?

pinkshoes

I'm going to be blunt.

He sounds more like a door mat than being generous, and clearly doesn't know how to say no. Generosity is helping out when you can afford it, not getting in debt for someone.

He's also being an idiot. Do not even think about lending him a penny until he's honest about what the debt is for. If he can't be honest now, then there really is no point in marrying this guy.

A man who can't look after his own finances is an unattractive option! Never underestimate the importance of financial compatibility - the reason why SO many marriages fail!

Pepzofio

I could be wrong, but I didn't think credit card 0% offers ever included cash withdrawals - they normally attract a higher interest rate from day 1. (Even '0%' balance transfers tend to attract a transaction fee these days...)

How exactly did he lend his cousin the money? Did he give him cash towards the deposit? I'd be surprised if a mortgage co would take part of the deposit off a credit card - especially if it wasn't even the mortage holder's. (I've never bought a house mind, so don't really know for sure.)

Pepzofio

findingmyownway wrote: »

Hi OP

Although I can see your point about why you don't want to help your OH pay off the debt now you know where the money has gone, I do think your logic is a bit flawed.

Whereever the money is now, the debt is not the cousins, it is your husbands. If the card is in his name then he is legally responsible for it. So, if the 0% period is running out then he is responsible for the interest etc and you as a couple need to decide if it is in YOUR best interests to pay the card off now or let the debt mount up (possibly affecting your chances of a mortgage etc).

I advise you to keep the things separate in your mind.....

1) Your OH owes the bank £2300 (or whatever the amount remaining was, i asssume he has been making the min payments for the last year).

2) The cousin owes your OH the value of the original loan plus interest.

IF you decide to pay off debt 1, it does not affect debt 2, that of course is still owed. I don't know how to go about getting that back... maybe have a word with the family?

I agree with findingmyownway. If you have the savings, personally I would suggest clearing your fiance's credit card on the understanding that you BOTH spoke to the cousin and agreed a satisfactory repayment schedule. If the cousin realises that he now effectively owes YOU the money and YOU are not quite the pushover that your fiance is, he might suddenly find some money from somewhere!

Is his wife aware of the loan and/or the failure to actually pay it back? Do his parents know that he owes his cousin and uncle/aunt money? I would give the cousin a chance to make good on the debt, but if he still messes you around consider taking it to the wider family.

Afterall, it's possible the cousin is not actually 'taking advantage' per se. He might genuinely be struggling financially and your fiance might have told him it's not a problem - just because the cousin works full time doesn't mean he's necessarily better off. If he has a wife and three kids his outgoings are going to be a lot higher than a single person's - does he really earn THAT much more than your fiance? People can and do over-extend themselves on mortgages (especially if they have to rely on loans from relatives for the deposit), holidays can go on credit cards, so maybe he really is broke...

I'm not saying that excuses him from repaying his debts, but from his perspective, his cousin is single (in that he doesn't live with a partner) with no dependants, works full time (p/t employed and p/t self employed) and (maybe) has told him not to worry about the money, he doesn't need it atm. He might not even be aware that the credit card debt is now solely 'his' debt.

globetraveller

Pepzofio wrote: »

I could be wrong, but I didn't think credit card 0% offers ever included cash withdrawals - they normally attract a higher interest rate from day 1. (Even '0%' balance transfers tend to attract a transaction fee these days...)

How exactly did he lend his cousin the money? Did he give him cash towards the deposit? I'd be surprised if a mortgage co would take part of the deposit off a credit card - especially if it wasn't even the mortage holder's. (I've never bought a house mind, so don't really know for sure.)

Of course you are right- cc offers don't include cash withdrawals. I forgot about that.
I still think you will find his cousin doesn't owe the money. Why not contact the cousin and tell him the interest free period is about to end so you thought he should tell him so he can pay off now before he starts incurring interest charges. You will no doubt find he doesn't have a clue what you are talking about.
You then need to sit down with your partner and get this sorted. Ask him to come clean on where the money has gone to. If he has just been silly with it then perhaps if he does explain you can begin to sort it out together.If you get nowhere then really, its not a good sign for the future. Don't pay off the money until you are happy that you have things sorted. Infact, don't pay off the money full stop. He accrued it one way or another so he needs to take the responsibility.

the_cat

ska_lover wrote: »

Hi Op
He does sound a genuine guy, who has tried to help someone out, but has landed himself in the poo by doing so.

No, he has landed himself AND HIS PARTNER in the poo! And is now refusing to discuss it with her, getting defensive and expecting her to pay off the bank. Plus she has saved for their future and he hasn't bothered.

Saying he is bad with money is an excuse. So is saying he is too kind/generous with his family and friends.

He is too weak to say no to them, even though he does not have the money to lend them. He is too weak to put his future and his relationship first. He has not prioritised his fiancee, or discussed the situation with her, or made any effort to save towards their future

There is no way I would consider marrying or moving in with him until these issues are addressed.

PS. I say this with some experience.... my OH was a complete sucker for lending to his sister. For years and years he bailed her out. Just after we got engaged, he lent her every penny from his savings to tide her over during a house move. He did not tell me until he had given her the money. A very large row ensued and I gave him a (very,very loud) ultimatum.
We have always had joint accounts since then so I know he never did it again

paddy's_mum

the_cat wrote: »

No, he has landed himself AND HIS PARTNER in the poo! And is now refusing to discuss it with her, getting defensive and expecting her to pay off the bank. Plus she has saved for their future and he hasn't bothered.

Saying he is bad with money is an excuse. So is saying he is too kind/generous with his family and friends.

He is too weak to say no to them, even though he does not have the money to lend them. He is too weak to put his future and his relationship first. He has not prioritised his fiancee, or discussed the situation with her, or made any effort to save towards their future

There is no way I would consider marrying or moving in with him until these issues are addressed.



my OH was a complete sucker for lending to his sister

This post is, in my view, absolutely spot on! I'd also suggest that if the OP doesn't get this sorted out - to rock bottom - then she is the one to whom the accurate word 'sucker' will apply.