Am I in the wrong to feel that he has lied and is being used?

sulkisu

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Aye, so how is it that he is happy to put the debt onto you rather than get his cousin to pay it?

totally agree with this. You can be in love and in a relationship without taking on his debt. I would let him spend his money on who he wants/when he wants, but under the circumstances I wouldn't bail him out afterwards. Unfortunately that doesn't bode well for a healthy financial relationship.

balletshoes

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Until you are married his own finances are pretty much his business and not yours. He sounds like a bloody fool and I'd be thinking twice about getting married and sharing a home with him until he's solvent and can prove it. If you've already offered to clear that debt then I think that you're in a pretty weak position to argue about how that debt was acquired. If you strongly disagree then don't pay it.

this bit I agree with - and its what my sister did when she got engaged to my BIL. He had debt because he liked buying toys, you know, electronics, gadgets, cars etc and he wasn't solvent. My sis told him she would happily marry him once he was solvent and had some savings (not a lot, just enough to show her that he was serious and could actually do it). He did it all within a couple of years, they have been happily married (and solvent) for nearly 20 years now.

dark_lady

He refuses to talk to you about the loan but then expects you to help him pay it off. BIG RED FLAG.

I had an ex like this who was in debt and showed me exactly the same attitude. He would end up dictating to me about about how much time i could spend in the shower. He would run in there shouting if i was longer than three minutes. There were many more things he did but it would take too long to list them and i dont want to hijack this thread.
You could end up being financially abused if you are not careful.
As for him trying to justify his actions this says to me that he is unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions.ANOTHER RED FLAG. How would he like it if you were refusing to talk about something important.
You deserve better.

Nicki

Does he belong to a culture where families are expected to help each other financially and loans are long term, or not paid back at all? I know this is common in some close knit Muslim communities for example, and quite possibly in other cultures too. Do you come from the same cultural background as your fianc!?

If there is a cultural element to this, then taking the advice of strangers on the Internet from a different cultural background may well make things worse not better for you.

balletshoes

Nicki wrote: »

Does he belong to a culture where families are expected to help each other financially and loans are long term, or not paid back at all? I know this is common in some close knit Muslim communities for example, and quite possibly in other cultures too. Do you come from the same cultural background as your fianc!?

If there is a cultural element to this, then taking the advice of strangers on the Internet from a different cultural background may well make things worse not better for you.

although this may be the reason for the loan, it still needs to be discussed fully if OP's OH expects her to pay this loan back instead of the relative. I am in a cross-cultural marriage with a Muslim, he knows there is no way I would be happy, or prepared to repay, a loan he made to one of his friends/family who just didn't bother paying it back. This is one thing I cannot compromise on, and have never been asked to.
Your partner and your immediate family are the people you are primarily responsible to and for, then comes the rest of your family and your friends.

Nicki

balletshoes wrote: »

although this may be the reason for the loan, it still needs to be discussed fully if OP's OH expects her to pay this loan back instead of the relative. I am in a cross-cultural marriage with a Muslim, he knows there is no way I would be happy, or prepared to repay, a loan he made to one of his friends/family who just didn't bother paying it back. This is one thing I cannot compromise on, and have never been asked to.
Your partner and your immediate family are the people you are primarily responsible to and for, then comes the rest of your family and your friends.

Discussing it is one thing, but some of the comments here about the cousin deliberately taking advantage, big red danger flags for the marriage, etc may not be appropriate if there is a different culture at play, and if taken to heart by the OP could lead to a serious breach in the relationship with her fianc!. After all, if this is a cultural thing, OP and her OH are as likely to be beneficiaries of family assistance in the future as they are to have to offer it. It would be unusual for it to be a completely one way street.

OP should definitely discuss her expectations with her fianc! and they should agree a strategy between themselves, but maybe hold off on the judgment and moral condemnations until the background is known?

This is speaking as someone who is not part of that kind of culture either by birth or by marriage though, and just a personal opinion.

Oldernotwiser

You mention that he's making payment on this loan from his part time job. Is that a part time job on top of his full time job or does he only work part time?

If the latter is the case then he isn't being kind, he's either an idiot or lying to you about where the money actually went. Do you just have his word that the money went to his cousin or is there any confirmation of this?

I'd be quite suspicious quite frankly, particularly all this being out late and doing stuff for unknown "other people".

dark_lady

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You mention that he's making payment on this loan from his part time job. Is that a part time job on top of his full time job or does he only work part time?

If the latter is the case then he isn't being kind, he's either an idiot or lying to you about where the money actually went. Do you just have his word that the money went to his cousin or is there any confirmation of this?

I'd be quite suspicious quite frankly, particularly all this being out late and doing stuff for unknown "other people".

Some good points there. The thing about the cousin didnt seem plausible to me either.

C_Mababejive

Finding a relationship partner is one of the most important things you will ever do and should not be entered into frivolously or simply influenced with doe eye ideas of love,romance and roses round the door...all though of course that plays a part!

With this in mind and amongst other things,you also need to be financially compatible.

If i were you,i would cool this relationship until you re-assess the situation.

If it bothers you now,think how much worse it will be if you marry the guy and maybe have children.

How will it be if you are constantly the guardian of household financies and worried about his debt and profligacy?

Equally,him knowing that you are concerned/take charge/help him will mean he will be licenced to do it all the more !

Put the brakes on and think...

If you do go ahead make sure that your deposit on any home is registered on form TR1 as a greater beneficial interest. Miss this bit out at your peril..!!!!!

globetraveller

I would bet that the cousin does not owe him money. He claims he told you a year ago? Its obviously not something you would forget. You also said he is generous towards you..... Perhaps that is where the debt is from?
You do need to talk it over. Perhaps he has just been silly and doesn't want to admit it to you. If he won't discuss it with you at all then I think alarm bells should sound. Is this what will happen all the time in the future?