Am I in the wrong to feel that he has lied and is being used?

January20

You need to really think about this relationship and whether your obvious different attitudes towards money and priorities are going to be a deal breaker or whether you can manage to have a successful relationship.

I can't understand why he won't tell you about this loan and yet expect you to help him pay it off. Indeed, as you don't even live together yet, I don't understand how he can justify asking you to help him with any of his debt? Especially as he has made no effort to save money towards your future together! If you do that, pay it off for him or even just help him, it will send him the message that he can take on another loan or debt because you will pay it off for him. Dangerous game to play!

onlyroz

The decision to loan/give money to a friend/relative in trouble should be a *joint* decision when you are in a couple. In the past my husband has given money to a friend in dire straits, but he always did so after a full discussion with me - so if your partner is happy to make these decisions without you then that would be a big red flag for me.

dirtysexymonkey

onlyroz wrote: »

The decision to loan/give money to a friend/relative in trouble should be a *joint* decision when you are in a couple. In the past my husband has given money to a friend in dire straits, but he always did so after a full discussion with me - so if your partner is happy to make these decisions without you then that would be a big red flag for me.

they dont live together, are not married and dont have joint finances so just why should it be a joint decision?

ska_lover

cherryade wrote: »

Thank you for the quick responses.

Ska lover - the loan is definitely not dodgy, he is a very trustworthy person. He has never done anything for me to doubt him and that is why this is such a big shocker for me. He says that he can't afford to help me put savings away, but the fact that he can take a loan out for someone else to give them money that he doesn't even have is what baffles me.

BitterandTwisted - unfortunately he isn't very good with money, if he has £100 in his pocket and someone needs to borrow he will always give it away. He is such a kind person I often wonder how he ended up with someone like me lol. I did offer to help him clear the debt when he asked but that was because I thought he had incurred it himself, I found out last night that most of the loan is his cousins and I will now refuse to pay out of my hard earnt savings for his cousin.

As nice as he is, I'm fed up of his niceness. He gets taken advantage of but won't see it, people ring him up asking for him to help them fix their cars, fix their computers, even help them with bloomin' D.I.Y! When I have a go at him he just responds with 'well it's not my fault that you don't like helping people.'

Hi Op

Sorry, I didn't mean dodgy in that kind of way. I meant dodgy as in you need to know that he will be putting your financial needs first as a couple first when you are married - before helping others. He does sound a genuine guy, who has tried to help someone out, but has landed himself in the poo by doing so.

ska_lover

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

they dont live together, are not married and dont have joint finances so just why should it be a joint decision?

I would say OP that as you have been together for ten years, and have plans to get married and have a future together - then you have every right to know this stuff. I would want to know in your situation - ESPECIALLY as he has now asked you to contribute to paying it all back.

If you married him and he defaulted on his payments (im sure he wouldn't) but if he did, you may find yourself liable - its only common sense to know what you are getting yourself into, if you ask me.

cherryade

Sambucus Nigra - I don't know, I guess he's happy for me to help him pay it off to avoid having to pay interest on it (when the 0% period runs out I assume) what grates on me is that this is not his own debt, it's his cousin that he has stupidly taken in to his own name. I'm fuming at him right now for being so silly.

Sulkisu - I would bail him out if the debt was his own, because I know that he would do the same for me. But I refuse to pay off the card as it is his cousin who has had the benefit from it and I owe his cousin nothing.

Balletshoes - I fully intend to give him the ultimatum to pay it off before anything progresses. I guess the response I'll then be expecting is 'well help me pay it off then'

Darklady - as irresponsible as he seems he is not in any way abusive. He has never so much as sworn at me, he really is a good man but he seems to be a sucker for a sob story. It is his refusal to talk it through that is upsetting me most. He claims to have told me this at the time the loan was taken out, but there is no way that he told me and I have forgotten, because I am the kind of person that would have been on and on at him to get the loan paid off asap!

Nicki - there are no such issues. His family are mostly in London, but this particular cousin and another family live near to him. The cousin in question is his fathers cousins son. His cousin is definitely taking advantage in my eyes, he works full-time, he has 3 children, he bought a house last year (for which my fiance did all the running around for with regards to property valuations etc as his cousin works a lot) and his wife has been to America last year, she also went to Asia a few months back and he has just got back from a weekend in Scotland for a wedding. So he clearly isn't as broke as he makes out.

Older not wiser - he has two jobs, both are part-time but are equal to full-time hours. One of his jobs is under an employer and for the other he is self employed. His family seem to think that his self employed work time is time when they can call him up for a favour, and being the person that he is he will never say no to helping someone. I appreciate that he likes helping others, it is a quality that is quite rare nowadays, but I just worry whether this will stop when we marry and/or decide to have children. He is definitely going where he says he is when he goes out at night as I know the people that he helps out and their families.

C_Mababejive - he has paid off his own share of the credit card debt, he has nothing else outstanding as far as debt incurred by himself is concerned. All that is left now is the money his cousin asked for. I assume that my fiance will be paying this off now. The family situation is what scares me, I want to have a stable family life, where we don't have to substitute sponging family members! I know he is the type of person to help others but I couldn't cope with it being at the level it's at with him at the moment.

Glovetraveler - the money has definitely gone to the cousin. This same cousin has also lent money from my fiances parents for the same reason that he lent money from my fiances - to buy a house for himself. He has not paid back the money to my fiances parents either and from what I have been told this amount is much higher than the loan my fiance took out for him on the credit card.

January20 - that was why he asked me to help him pay this loan off, as it is all he has outstanding. His thinking is that if the credit card is paid off then he can start putting money away instead of making payments on the card. To me this make sense, I am committed to him and would help him pay off the card, but I wasn't aware that the money had gone to the cousin. For those reasons I will now refuse to help pay off the credit card, it's his own responsibility seeing as he made the decision on his own.

Onlyroz - exactly, that is what bugs me... he claims to have told me about it but he didn't. I refuse to accept that he told me because I am not someone who would just have said 'ok, do whatever you want' no way I would have asked so so many questions!

dirtysexymonkey - I appreciate what you are saying. The reason why I feel hurt by his actions is because he doesn't seem to be looking to the future. I am saving up, he isn't. We are planning a life together, so surely if something he does now affects our situation in 6 months or a years time than that does give me the right to say something to him?

skalover - there is no need to apologise no offence was taken from your comment and I apologise if my reply came across a showing I had taken any offence. He really is a genuine guy, all the mutual female friends we have think of him as one of the nicest guys they know and everybody speaks very highly of him. He really is a gem, it's just that he's too nice sometimes and he can't say no. That's what has landed him in this situation, but I guess my gripe is why he didn't tell me at the time! This is a guy who tells me everything, from ringing me when he is buying things for work, or going out to eat, or at the garage getting his car fixed. Whenever we're not together he's always ringing or texting me, he's bought me a phone to facetime on when we can't meet up just so we can talk and see each other at night!

*sigh* really don't know where to go with this. He has been ringing me all day (must admit I have been ignoring his calls which I find VERY hard to do!) however on the one call that I did pick up we just ended up cutting the call short. He doesn't understand why I'm being 'mardy.'

paddy's_mum

You are being 'mardy' because he is treating you as an extra in his version of life, rather than as the lynchpin you should be seen as. He knows you are or else he wouldn't be expecting you to help him service a substantial debt to which you did not agree nor even know about.

When you are a couple, you discuss and agree such major things as taking out a large loan on behalf of someone else and I cannot imagine that you would have forgotten such an important conference as the one required before this large sum of money was lent to someone outside your relationship.

What is his insecurity that he would rather risk damaging your relationship than have to say a perfectly reasonable 'no' to some importuning friend or relative?

His priorities are seriously skewed and in your shoes, I'd be holding off on wedding plans. You are being treated as though you are not overly important in his scheme of things.

Do you want to come second in everything all the years of your married life because that is where this is headed, I'm absolutely sure.

You ought to be in pole position, not somewhere towards the back of the grid like an also-ran.

Sambucus_Nigra

cherryade wrote: »

He doesn't understand why I'm being 'mardy.'

I'll bet he does he just doesn't want to admit that he knows.

savingmummy

I wouldnt pay his debt.
If you pay it he will continue to do this and you`ll be forever bailing him out!

Do you know this cousin well?

Craftyscholar

You are being 'mardy' because he is asking you to pay off his cousin's debt.
I don't understand how anyone can think it is right to ask A to pay B's debt when there is no connection between A and B.