Would you think this behaviour was perverted?

princess

This doesnt sound normal to me. Maybe not sexual (although to me that sounds likely) but definitely abusive.
I grew up in the 60s and 70s. My parents might have taken a quick swipe at the back of our legs, but NEVER would they have made a ritual out of smacking us, or undresed us in any way. I also had no friends who were undressed to be smacked. I had one friend and his parents would occassionally use a wooden spoon to whack him, but again it was more of a glancing blow as he ran away and we all thought (children and other parents) that hitting a child with a wooden spoon was an absolute disgrace.
Honestly smacking a teenage girl on the bare behind, by a father was not normal even decades ago. My Dad would certainly never have done it and would have been very suspicious of anyone who had.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm not sure about this behaviour being perverted, but I would definitely describe it as inappropriate.

I was a child in the 70/80's and having never experienced anything close to this, I would not describe it as normal. Smacking may well have been more socially acceptable, but it was still not an admirable parenting technique. Additionally, you are right to question the physical force he inflicted and his inappropriate voyeuristic indulgences. However, I would not feed your imagination that he had any thoughts beyond this. It sounds like your father had/has severe anger issues and this behaviour is a reflection of what was going on within him and not remotely influenced by you.

So I wouldn't entertain thoughts of a seedy nature, although it does sound a bit this way, but you own your feelings and are entirely within reason to confront him and let him know that you are disappointed in him for doing this, how uncomfortable and inappropriate you found it. I'm wondering if it would help you to ask him about it. You have nothing to lose or fear in doing so.

3v3

dandy-candy wrote: »

It's really hard for me to post this but it is something that has been on my mind my whole life and I want to throw it out there and see how it appears to other people.

OK

Through out my childhood my dad used to hit and threaten me and my siblings for literally anything, not just if you did something bad, but if I got out of bed for having a nightmare or if I didn't agree with his opinion on a tv programme. I know hitting kids is deeply frowned on now but this was during the 70's and mid 80's and I think it was more common then, but that isn't the bit that really troubles me - it was the way he would do it.

Yup, more "common" then, but not necessarily acceptable however, he would have parented on the same basis *he* was parented and this type of "punishment" wasn't unusual for his generation.

When he started to shout and come towards me I would make a dash for my room. He would chase me upstairs, I would run into my bedroom and shut the door and he would burst in and throw me down on the bed. He would then place his left hand on my back just below my shoulders and press down so I couldn't get up, and with his right hand he would lift my skirt or pull down my trousers and then he would pull down my knickers to my knees and spank my naked bottom until I had red raised hand marks on it.

Ok, now it is going a bit beyond what would be deemed "normal" even in those times.

He never would just spank me through my clothes but always had this ritual of pinning me down and pulling down my lower items. The last time he did it I was 15 and I was really scared that he might take it further so I reached round with my hand and was fighting to pull my knickers up as he pulled them down. He stopped then and walked out of the room, and it never happened again.

Good! That means that he clearly drew a boundary due to *your* assertiveness: well done to you!

My parents divorced when I was 11 and initially my mum threw my dad out but when I was 13 she got a boyfriend who didn't want kids so she walked out on me and my bro and my dad moved back in. A few years ago I told my mum about what dad did and she said she didn't think it was anything perverted, but there were also times after she moved out when I would have a bath then go to my room and within minutes he would just walk into my room while I was drying myself, and other times I would be reading in my room and would glance up and see him reflected in the mirror standing outside my bedroom door just watching me. He used to really creep me out.

Yup, would creep out many girls of that age too.

Please help me get this straight in my head, it would really help to have other peoples take on this, thank you.

IMHO, you had a very, very lucky escape insofar as he didn't push it further. BUT, that is not to say that what he did was right either. You have no idea or concept of whether this had a sexual excitement for him - only *he* knows that
What you *do* know is, it has had a profound affect upon *you*!
The very bottom line, in all of this, is that you did nothing to encourage his behaviour. I'll say it again: you did nothing to encourage his behaviour.
Even if you were the naughtiest child in the whole of this world (which I'm sure you were not ) - even at a time where a parents "reprimand" meant you were given a smacked bottom - a smacked bottom does not equate to being pinned down, having your undergarments wrenched to your knees/ankles or being oggled when you reached puberty and were drying yourself after a bath. *You* may be confused about the post-puberty part - trust me - your father was in no-doubt-what-so-ever that oggling/spanking your child is a no-no

You can't change any of that; it is now past.

You can empower yourself with choices on how you, as an adult, come to terms with this. You have a number of options:-

a) you seek more counselling
b) you report your father to the Police (do you have siblings? Did they experience the same, or similar things?)
c) you accept the opinions of people on this forum and then ... move on.
d) consider, deeply, what do you *want* to happen as a result of speaking out on here? If it is reassurance that what he did is ok/normal for that era/others were treated the same ... would that make you feel better or worse? (BTW, it wasn't "normal" or ok what he did )
e) do nothing and just carry on with your life and put it behind you
f) you conclude that what he did was indeed "perverted", get really really angry ... and then ... what? Where will you vent your anger that would be healthy yet not distructive to you?

What does your father do now? Does he have a newer wife/family?
How do you feel about your mother for not taking on board what you told her? Disappointed? Angry? Pity? Rejected? Confused?

See? So many questions from me, yet, I am not inside your head! Heaven knows the questions you pose to yourself!

One thing I do know is this: is what he did "perverted"? Yup, sounds like it.
Is it *your* fault? Nope, not one iota!! you did nothing to encourage his behaviour
Should you report him? That is down to you.
Should you have further contact with him? That is down to you (such a dilema when we adore our parents *because* they are our parents; yet hate them because of their treatment of us/behaviour towards us!)

I will tell you *this* much: my dh's ex wife was habitually raped by her father - even into their marriage. As was her sister and her brothers. Their father was a prison officer - highly "respected" When she divorced my dh, she finally admitted to him all she had endured (their children were now teens! It took *that* long); she then broached the subject with her sister and brothers. Dh gave her fab advice which lead to her taking her father to court. Her sister also gave evidence; the brothers, although equally abused, refused as they had military careers and (at that time) felt it would impact on their careers. Ultimately, he was imprisoned (guess how con's view ex-prison officers as inmates Ouchie!)

Once you open your floodgates (as you have now done), you need to really think where you wish this to go - if anywhere. But, do not fear taking the journey: if that means reporting him OR NOT, that is for you to decide. But, now you *have* opened the floodgates of your agnst, insecurity, concerns - you have to, at the very least, seek solice for your own heart/head.

His behaviour was not "normal"; his behaviour was *not* a result of anything *you* did.

Keep peace with yourself; while you may have been a typical child insofar as you needed to be disciplined - the form of "discipline" your father chose was not the appropriate one. Not for the '70/80's and not for now.

How's your head? ((hugs))

CFC

Hi Dandy Candy

Your fathers behaviour was not normal or acceptable. People have different views on corporal punishment but the form in which he laid it on you was unacceptable once you were no longer a little girl.
Same with coming into your room when you were drying yourself.

In terms of reporting it to the police, from what you have said it falls into a grey area. I am not sure whether the police would consider that to be child abuse, I think that they might not, I think I would not call it 'child abuse' exactly. But I would call it perverted.

I think he definitely had perverted feelings towards you, exactly what those feelings were I could not say, there is a whole spectrum they could fall into. But whatever part of the spectrum they fell into, you knew that his feelings weren't pure because you sensed it. Children are very sensitive to things out of the ordinary - your feelings at the time were spot on.

In a way this kind of situation is harder to deal with internally than very explicit abuse that nobody can deny, because it is about the subtleties that you pick up that another person won't see, either because they can't sense it or because they don't want to see it, and can easily deny it. That makes it very confusing internally. I think that's exactly why you wanted to post it in an open forum, to see what other people thought, whether it validated how you feel or whether it made you think, 'ah ok I was imagining it'.

ska_lover

Didn't want to read and run. I was brought up in the 70's and 80's and hitting was common place where I came from too. Hitting with a belt on bottoms - always clothed. Think last time I was 'belted' I was about ten.

The pulling down of pants imo is wrong..and on a 15 year old girl going through puberty. Not sure if it is a humiliation thing?

Do not let your past ruin your future. Whether in your mind you see this as abuse, or not, you need to get past this and live your life, in spite of that horrible man. Life is not a dress rehersal - you really do need to find a way to move past this and live for the future. Don't be his victim anymore. F*cuk him!!

melt71

When I first read through your post, I just thought it sounded like he wanted power or control over you, hence the humilation of the pulling down the pants and smacking you on your bare bum. However, it's the other little things that you mentioned and the fact that he seemed to be creeping you out. Then you mentioned that he didn't do it to your sister. So I am in two minds about this. Perhaps he knew that this was a way of getting to you, so he used it to have control over to you. He used a different way for your sister.

Whether it was perverted or not, I think you are very brave for facing up to what happened to you and trying to figure it all out. I hope you get the answers you are looking for and that you are able to move on. Do not let him control you anymore by feeling sorry for yourself or making the mistake of getting depressed etc. Do what you have to do to deal with these memories and move on.

Good luck.