Would you think this behaviour was perverted?

Triker

Yes it was abuse, you sensed it wasn't right and no doubt as you have become older and have a greater understanding of the dynamics and complexities of adult/child relationships, no doubt your memories have re-surfaced.

For you future I would maybe go to your G.P and ask for some further counselling. Good luck. x

ETA the other issue of course is the fact your Mum not only failed to protect you but also minimised the events when you disclosed them to her...which in itself is shameful.

peachyprice

Whilst I don't think it was perverted, I think it was done to humiliate you.

whitewing

I think nowadays it would be totally wrong.

We (boys and girls) were smacked on bare bottoms by either Mum or Dad, but usually Dad, until we were too big to do it easily. It felt wrong to me. I don't think it was perverted, but I id feel that it was wrong because (now I am older and can analyse) it always felt that they were out of control. Not that they beat us to a pulp but with more kindly guidance we would have behaved better. It was more acceptable then. Certainly we got smacked in public occasionally when we were little.

I would kill anyone who laid a finger on my children.

jpwhittle

whitewing wrote: »

I think nowadays it would be totally wrong.

We (boys and girls) were smacked on bare bottoms by either Mum or Dad, but usually Dad, until we were too big to do it easily. It felt wrong to me. I don't think it was perverted, but I id feel that it was wrong because (now I am older and can analyse) it always felt that they were out of control. Not that they beat us to a pulp but with more kindly guidance we would have behaved better. It was more acceptable then. Certainly we got smacked in public occasionally when we were little.

I would kill anyone who laid a finger on my children.

Sorry but i find that line very concerning. Not saying your abusive dont get me wrong. I just dont like that fact people think it was ok until you were to big. I got smacked as a child, much more so than i ever raise a hand to my children, and i remember just once being smacked barebottomed because i'd been stealing. But as a grown up i think there are more apropriate ways to discipline my children. Dont get me wrong once or twice they have warranted it, i.e running in front of a car, but no way for answering back.

I once read about a book where the author said that even from being a baby if a child misbehaved you should strp them of and smack them hard enough to leave a mark with a metal or wooden object. (i never bought the book), I was telling my husband how sick the book sounded, as the example in the book was a 6 month old baby wriggling when you were trying to dress them, my son overheard and looked distraught, he told me he was so glad i never smacked him like that as that was mean and nasty.

busiscoming2

My POV is that is that is seems a little odd that he was still doing it when you were much older. I don't condone but could understand why he may do it to a younger child, but not a developed teen. For me the spying bit is the really creepy part and it wouldn't sit too well with me either.

Have you ever spoken to your siblings about their experiences? Perhaps they feel like you?

gingin_2

jpwhittle wrote: »

Sorry but i find that line very concerning. Not saying your abusive dont get me wrong. I just dont like that fact people think it was ok until you were to big.

It was the same for me. My parents used smacking a lot and went too far on some occasions it only stopped when I hit back. I was maybe 14 or 15. It doesn't look great to write that I hit my own mother but she had no control and I had no respect for her losing control, so I hit back and it stopped.

dandy-candy

Thank you for all the replies. I have mentioned it to my siblings in the past. My sister used to get slapped and pulled around by her hair but never had her clothes pulled down. She also used to fight back (she is 5 years older than me) and kick or scratch him so there fights were over quicker. My brother was also hit and has nothing to do with my dad now and still really hates him. I have recently cut my dad out of my life which is probably why i'm chewing it all over again, I think I will make some more counselling appointments.

rachbc

I don't know if it was perverted or there was a sexual undertone to what you dad did to you but I do know that it was wrong. I was a child of the 70's/80's as are all my friends and not a single one was raised like this. it does sound like you coudl od with some more therapy to come to temrs with and move on from this

MRMP_2

Hi Dandy-Candy,

Sorry to hear you are going through such emotional pain at the moment, I couldn't read and not post so finally signed up (forgot my password for my other account).

My thoughts go out to you at this hard time and echo the suggestions of many that maybe counselling would help. You've said you've attended before to find disclosure, but I would suggest trying it again.

I'm not sure if your fathers behaviour was perverted or not, but it could have been from your description, but it could have been as another posted that he was just 'watching you' to reiterate 'he was in control' if you know what I mean?

As you have stated that you're no longer in touch with your father, I'm assuming he's still alive yes? I know you are no longer in touch with him, but whilst it may be a hard thing to do, maybe you could contact him again. Actually ask him? (that suggestion isn't as far out as it seems). You may struggle with this for much longer (as you have been for many years) and getting answers from the man himself, may just lay your mind to rest. Only he can give you the answers really, others can only give their view on how they perceive it.

Hope this helps.

Take care.

make_me_wise

dandy-candy wrote: »

Through out my childhood my dad used to hit and threaten me and my siblings for literally anything, not just if you did something bad, but if I got out of bed for having a nightmare or if I didn't agree with his opinion on a tv programme. I know hitting kids is deeply frowned on now but this was during the 70's and mid 80's and I think it was more common then, but that isn't the bit that really troubles me - it was the way he would do it.

When he started to shout and come towards me I would make a dash for my room. He would chase me upstairs, I would run into my bedroom and shut the door and he would burst in and throw me down on the bed. He would then place his left hand on my back just below my shoulders and press down so I couldn't get up, and with his right hand he would lift my skirt or pull down my trousers and then he would pull down my knickers to my knees and spank my naked bottom until I had red raised hand marks on it. He never would just spank me through my clothes but always had this ritual of pinning me down and pulling down my lower items. The last time he did it I was 15 and I was really scared that he might take it further so I reached round with my hand and was fighting to pull my knickers up as he pulled them down. He stopped then and walked out of the room, and it never happened again.

My parents divorced when I was 11 and initially my mum threw my dad out but when I was 13 she got a boyfriend who didn't want kids so she walked out on me and my bro and my dad moved back in. A few years ago I told my mum about what dad did and she said she didn't think it was anything perverted, but there were also times after she moved out when I would have a bath then go to my room and within minutes he would just walk into my room while I was drying myself, and other times I would be reading in my room and would glance up and see him reflected in the mirror standing outside my bedroom door just watching me. He used to really creep me out.

Please help me get this straight in my head, it would really help to have other peoples take on this, thank you.

I also grew up in the 70s and 80s and smacking a child wasn't frowned upon as it is now. However I dont see why it is necessary to pin a child to a bed, pull down their clothing and hit them so hard as to leave red marks on them. I am really sorry OP but yes in my opinion that is perverted and nothing short of abuse.

Lets be blunt here, you stated your father did this till you were 15. For god sake teenage girls have periods and your dad still saw fit to pin you to a bed and lower your underwear so as to discipline you.

As for the coming into your room when you were getting dry and standing watching you. I dont blame you for feeling creeped out by him.

If my dad had ever done those things to me I would have mentioned it to my mum and she would have had him up on charges. Its a revolting way to treat a child/young adult.