Would you think this behaviour was perverted?

dandy-candy

It's really hard for me to post this but it is something that has been on my mind my whole life and I want to throw it out there and see how it appears to other people.

Through out my childhood my dad used to hit and threaten me and my siblings for literally anything, not just if you did something bad, but if I got out of bed for having a nightmare or if I didn't agree with his opinion on a tv programme. I know hitting kids is deeply frowned on now but this was during the 70's and mid 80's and I think it was more common then, but that isn't the bit that really troubles me - it was the way he would do it.

When he started to shout and come towards me I would make a dash for my room. He would chase me upstairs, I would run into my bedroom and shut the door and he would burst in and throw me down on the bed. He would then place his left hand on my back just below my shoulders and press down so I couldn't get up, and with his right hand he would lift my skirt or pull down my trousers and then he would pull down my knickers to my knees and spank my naked bottom until I had red raised hand marks on it. He never would just spank me through my clothes but always had this ritual of pinning me down and pulling down my lower items. The last time he did it I was 15 and I was really scared that he might take it further so I reached round with my hand and was fighting to pull my knickers up as he pulled them down. He stopped then and walked out of the room, and it never happened again.

My parents divorced when I was 11 and initially my mum threw my dad out but when I was 13 she got a boyfriend who didn't want kids so she walked out on me and my bro and my dad moved back in. A few years ago I told my mum about what dad did and she said she didn't think it was anything perverted, but there were also times after she moved out when I would have a bath then go to my room and within minutes he would just walk into my room while I was drying myself, and other times I would be reading in my room and would glance up and see him reflected in the mirror standing outside my bedroom door just watching me. He used to really creep me out.

Please help me get this straight in my head, it would really help to have other peoples take on this, thank you.

Lirin

Didn't want to post and run. Have you considered talking with a counsellor?

mishkanorman

I think this is an extremely sensitive subject and possibly not something to be posting about on a public forum,

If you are struggling with events in your past my only advice would be to speak to a qualified professional who can help you work through it,


mishka

dandy-candy

Thank you for your replies. I went to counselling in 2004 when I had a breakdown. She was very nice and it helped to move forward at that time, but it doesn't give you answers. I know no one here can say what my dads motivation was exactly but it helps to know if this is odd behaviour or am I making a big deal over nothing? In our home you were never allowed to express yourself or have an opinion so it has taken me all this time to try and delve into my feelings on the subject. Although it is a public forum it is also anonymous. No one here knows me in real life so I feel I can express myself without having to feel ashamed for doing it.

GlasweJen

I suppose everything you've mentioned is subjective and depends on the family dynamic wether it was creepy or not. Doesn't sound like outright sexual abuse though, probably best to seek therapy if it's disturbing you 30 years later?

pigpen

I actually think it was rather 'normal' but then maybe that was because my dad did the same.. except he used his 3 inch wide belt not his hand... I reported him to the police a few years ago for having inappropriate images/videos of children on his pc so TBH I don't know if it is perverted or not.. inappropriate yes, abusive possibly.. out of order.. completely.. If someone did that to my children they woud have a length of 4x2 wrapped round their head!

Is this just a passing thought or is it something you feel affects your life now?

If it is just a thought then let it go.. sounds like there were anger issues and inappropriateness going on but perverted, maybe not.

If you feel it is affecting you still ask about seeing a counsellor.

Threebabes

I don't think that behaviour sounds normal. To do that to a 15 year old developing girl is plain wrong, never mind a younger child. I have two daughters and if their dad did that, well actually it wouldn't get that far, I would never allow it but we don't hit/smack ours. I don't understand why he felt the need to remove your clothing to smack you. You poor thing, you must be so confused. Have you ever spoken to him about it? What do your siblings think about it all? Big hugs hun. x

aliasojo

dandy-candy wrote: »

...............there were also times after she moved out when I would have a bath then go to my room and within minutes he would just walk into my room while I was drying myself, and other times I would be reading in my room and would glance up and see him reflected in the mirror standing outside my bedroom door just watching me. He used to really creep me out.

Please help me get this straight in my head, it would really help to have other peoples take on this, thank you.

This is only an opinion based only on what you have written but I think the part about 'he used to really creep me out' is the most important.

Kids do tend to have a sense of what is not right. The smacking itself (even on a bare backside) could be viewed either way. Some will see it as normal and just a thing people did back in those days, some will think it very wrong. The fact this was still happening aged 15 is concerning (to me). It would be hard to know which it was without knowing your or your family.

However the other parts about watching you or coming into your room would tip the balance for me. Add them to the bare smacking and I have to say I would wonder about his thoughts.

None of us will be able to give you any help in settling your thoughts, we can only offer our own and I suspect there will be huge disagreement between us.

The important thing is for you to deal with the uncertainty of your thoughts and that may be helped by further counselling?

shegirl

It's hard to know as nobody saw how he acted,expressions etc but I do know it wasn't exactly uncommon for bare skin to be slapped rather than clothed as it would hurt more and therefore,in their minds have more affect.As for throwing you on the bed and holding you down to do it others would have had you over their knee.So it is very hard to tell but I wouldn't be thinking towards the perverse side.

As for watching you whatever you were doing well he sounds like a controlling man so he may have been checking up.

You will never know what was in his mind but I wouldn't go worrying too much that he may have had certain thoughts.

If it's still affecting you I'd say you really do need some counselling as you can't continue to worry and think about it your entire life

Judith_W

I would initially say that this behaviour isn't perverted, it is a parental thing to do, my mum on occasion would smack my bare bottom and if his perception of you as a child hadn't changed even though you were a teenager, I would say don't worry. Also, from your description he seemed angry rather than 'turned on' by the smaking. However - him hanging around when you were older and not dressed is a little worrying. Either way, I would assume it was innocent as what good would it do to view his behavour in the light of socal acceptable norms now, and it won't actually make things better if you decide it was more sinister than you originally thought...

JodyBPM

I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and my parents never did anything like that to me. I was smacked on the hand as a toddler, I believe (although I can't remember to be fair), but I was never, ever spanked , on a bare bottom or otherwise. I'm shocked that anyone would try to justify this kind of behaviour as being "what was done in those days", because it certainly wasn't what was done to me, my sibling or anyone I know who grew up in those days.

IMO, it was abuse, pure and simple. Whether it was sexually motivated, I couldn't say, but it was something that you shouldn't have had to put up with.