Prodigal son returning for weekend

thatgirlsam

blimey OP you will give yourself a coronary if you carry on dwelling about what your bro is or isn't doing

I presume you are both adults.. let him carry on with his life as he sees fit and you concentrate on your own.. stop comparing what you do for your parents to him - its not a competition!!

The way he and his GF have acted does certainly sound a bit shady but sorry for saying this - they may not like you! Especially if you spend a lot of time telling him what you do and what he doesn't do

I think you need to let go of this sibling rivalry

Ginger_Poodle

A fairly similar situation in my family a few years ago. My dad & his brother were never close (brother went off to war, big age gap, etc.). The only time we saw his family was when we took my gran for her annual visit to their house. They never came to see her, ever, even though they lived less than 30 miles away (sorry, one visit when she was dying, and only then because my mum shouted at them till they turned up). Conversly, my parents (and later, my sister and I) looked after my gran as she deserved. She was an amazing woman. However she would never hear a word against the other side of the family and regularly sang their praises. That used to hurt us all, even though we wouldnt admit it at the time. It was like she just couldnt see.

How wrong we were to think that. One visit close to the end, it all came out. She started pulling her rings off to try to give them to me & my sister, telling us that she needed to know that "the right" people would have them when she was gone. I am crying typing this. That one gesture showed me that she knew who her real family were, and appreciated us as we appreciated her. Perhaps it was too painful to admit to herself that she had a son who would behave as my uncle did.

I am not saying that you should feel ok about it - you shouldnt. Just dont be so sure that your mum doesnt know how things really are. Good luck x

gratefulforhelp_2

So sorry for your loss, ginger poodle.

Ginger_Poodle

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

So sorry for your loss, ginger poodle.

So kind of you to say so, but it was many years ago (so long that I have lost both my parents since then). But isnt it funny how things can come back to you so strongly? I just felt real empathy with the OP & wanted to tell her my story in case it could be of any help.

euronorris

Ginger_Poodle wrote: »

Perhaps it was too painful to admit to herself that she had a son who would behave as my uncle did.

I think it was probably this reason.

My Grandma was the same. It was my mother who looked after her, who took her into her home in her final years, who visited often (even when Grandma was still 400 miles away and my uncle only live 30 miles from her), but my Grandma still wouldn't have a bad word said about my uncle.

Even after he moved to Abu Dhabi, he could still have called, but he would go months without doing so (usually after a little prompting from my Mum) and it was always my Mum who bore the brunt of her anger, upset and frustration. We always knew she was upset about not speaking to him though, because as soon as she received a call from him, she'd be happy again (this only happened with calls from him).

So, I've just come to the conclusion that it is far easier to focus on a child's positive points, than to acknowledge how little they seem to care about you.

As for my uncle. Well, he spent the entire day of the funeral in tears (and some days after as well I understand), and kept scolding himself for not making more of an effort to visit and speak with her. I guess he just took her for granted (and my Mum too!).

kdenty

My boyfriend sounds a little like your brother. He just doesn't think about stuff like what you have mentioned. He also has an elderly mum and a sister (who is closer to mum). He sometimes seems like the black sheep of the familiy as sister is so wonderful and has provided grandchildren etc. I suspect it makes him uncomfortable that his sister is such a high flyer and perhaps avoids interaction with his mum because of this sometimes.

Maybe it's a male/female brain thing too...

Women will know what to do/what needs doing and probably do that and then some more. We then get annoyed that we do it all! I think in the case of men they need to be asked. So if you leave him a list of jobs to do he will do them. But unless he knows something needs doing he wont. I don't think he is being selfish just oblivious! My boyfriend will do anything for everyone but only if asked. It annoys me sometimes as I expect him to mindread me and do stuff without being asked! Just not possible.

ninjalass

The list is there for him every time from mum (and dad when alive) but he's never there long enough for him to dent into it (stays less than 24 hours and sleeps most of that or on phone with his gf, arrives at mum's about 2pm after being fetched from station, wants to go shopping first but won't help mum with her shopping - she's been told by Dr's not to go shopping and carrying things but he'll refuse to help, then he's tired so goes to bed for a nap about 4 and won't see him til we shout food ready and then he'll be watching tv or on PC later and then won't get up til about 11/12 and goes back by 1pm so can't really do much then. Whilst I'll drive straight from work on a friday night, get jobs done before taking mum shopping and doing all the heavy lifting etc and stay until as late as I can on the sun (depends on time of year between 2 - 6pm - got 3+ hour drive home and they hate me having to drive and unload in dark at the end), don't know how many times I've landed up going later as the "can you just to this before you go..." get said again. He hasn't done half the stuff now and it's either me finish it or mum has to pay for someone to do it, I'm talking changing light bulbs, brushing up around doors, cleaning car etc. I've even had to bring in his shoes as they've been left outside - they'd really look worse for ware if I left them outside for him to collect in about 3 - 4 months time wouldn't they?

Parent's have had ill health for the last 6 years, heart failure, cancer, 3 * heart surgery, both landed up in hospital at the same time - one with heart surgery and in intensive care and the other with suspected heart attack at a different hospital, double pneumonia, hip replacement appointments, so they're not entirely healthy and can do things for themselves. One wasn't driving when the other one was in hospital, and we had to not tell dad about mum in hospital once and then when mum was in hospital his hospital wanted him to stay in and he refused as mum was in hospital and bro told mum on phone, all I got when I got there was why didn't you tell me your dad was supposed to stay in hospital? I then got home and told dad by the way mum know's you should've stayed at hospital to get told off by him for telling her - said bro had phoned her and told her so it was why did he phone her and tell her that?

We did say we were going over, his gf's mum's there every week and by sounds of it not invited she invites herself - worse since she's retired, and we're not allowed to attend once? We've seen his gf once in about 10 years and that was 6 years ago when mum was poorly. Mum told him to send a photo of his gf when she took him back to station yesterday and said it's been 6 years since we saw her. I wasn't there so in case someone says it was me. They take her mum out every month for a meal, she stays over - she lives less than 30 mins away, and we're not even allowed in the house. They used to go on holiday 15 miles away and had to pass the town to go to their holiday place for several years.

Financially doo doo - we'll if they're in doo doo, I'd suggest they stop frittering it away on concerts and weekends away. He's on more money than I am and boy don't I get reminided every time (and the fact that he's got a degree and I haven't) - not the fact that I'm younger than him and by his age I'll probably be on the same wage or more. She's on about the same wage as me. They take her mum with them on their trips away and to see some of the singers she likes - 3 tickets to see 60 popstar in London (staying overnight) not going to be cheap is it and travelling to / from venue too! He won't pay for mum to go and see a show in the local theatre!

thatgirlsam

Oh my goodness.. how old are the pair of you?

gratefulforhelp_2

ninjalass wrote: »

We did say we were going over, his gf's mum's there every week and by sounds of it not invited she invites herself - worse since she's retired, and we're not allowed to attend once?

Financially doo doo - we'll if they're in doo doo, I'd suggest they stop frittering it away on concerts and weekends away. He's on more money than I am and boy don't I get reminided every time (and the fact that he's got a degree and I haven't) - not the fact that I'm younger than him and by his age I'll probably be on the same wage or more. She's on about the same wage as me. They take her mum with them on their trips away and to see some of the singers she likes - 3 tickets to see 60 popstar in London (staying overnight) not going to be cheap is it and travelling to / from venue too! He won't pay for mum to go and see a show in the local theatre!

So uninvited then?

Sorry but this bit sounds so very bitter, maybe some counselling would help you get past this?

thorsoak

Oh dear Ninjalass - you are obviously so jealous and bitter of your brother that it is taking over your whole life - and it will ruin you!

You cannot change him - and better for your health if you just accept that he is what he is. And sadly, you're not going to ever be able to stop your mum going on about her belonved son - she knows all his shortcomings only too well, but by talking about him, she cn pretend to herself that all is well with him.

You know it isn't well with him - but that fact shouldn't impact upon your life. YOU make arrangements to see your mum and help her as much as you do - because you are you - and because you love her. Just carry on doing what you can - and leave him to his own cnscience - if he has one!

But please, please, please - just let your brother, what he has achieved, what he hasn't paid for, etc etc etc - let that go - it isn't your problem - it will be his. However if you do keep brooding about it, the unfairness of it, etc etc etc, then it will become your problem - and you will become an embittered woman.