Prodigal son returning for weekend

ninjalass

We lost dad last year and my brother has been more or less useless waste of time for the last 15 years or so, this weekend we've got a family get together - which I'm sure it'll be prodigal son returning and oh isn't he brilliant scenario again (as usual).

He couldn't even stay overnight when we cremated dad last year, his girlfriend hasn't been around for 6 years, when he does come over he wants to go shopping (and buys girlfriends presents) whilst he forgets our presents (money) - mum didn't even get a mothers day card this year and we're still waiting for Christmas presents etc. The morning we lost dad, he went back to his house not help mum at all, so again left me to pick up the pieces.

Mum and dad were hospitalised last year mum twice - with first they thought she was having a heart attack, he happened to be visiting dad in hospital at the time and asked me "do you think she wants me to visit? I was thinking of going home now." Dad was hospitalised 9 times. He visited about 4 times.

We both live about 150 miles away, I come home on a monthly basis and I try and get mum / parents until dad died to come over to mine on a monthly basis. We've never been allowed in brother's house (he's lived there about 13 years), we've sat outside twice and he's not invited us in.

I do everything i can to help parents when dad was alive and now mum, including sorting out garden, decorating, making sure her car's ok, sorting out her pills.

His future m-i-l is taken out for meals out - whilst mum isn't even bought a take away cuppa from him. His m-i-l goes for weekends away with the two, he's never even said - here's x amount of money treat yourself to a weekend away (both of them, which I used to do every now and then for them). He was even happy enough to let them pay for their own 40th wedding anniversary - luckily we knew the owners and she was told to refuse mum's card and use mine - mum gave him such a guilt trip he decided to pay half afterwads.

I even tried to go shopping with a friend to get away from him on weekend but my friend couldn't make it, so will have to stay local.

My parents neighbours thought I was an only child as they'd never seen my brother.

Any tips for the weekend on not losing my temper with him?

I'm hoping one of mum's friends will come over or have a chat with him and say he needs to help out a bit more - I've tried but get a patronising "I'm better than you" speech off him every time.

BitterAndTwisted

You won't be able to have a decent time if you can't put the past behind you and try to move on. There's a HUGE amount of baggage there and the only person it is harming is yourself.

I'd say you either let bygones be bygones, have a full and frank exchange of views beforehand or don't go.

ninjalass

I haven't got a choice - I'm taking mum - as he can't be bothered to take her.

We've even had to arrange that my uncle picks him up and brings him over as he can't even make his own arrangements for that!

BitterAndTwisted

If he's that big of an a-hole I say cancel his invitation!

ninjalass

Can't - we're burying dad's ashes.

ninjalass

And all my friend wants to do is text me to say that her new bf isn't texting her back all the time :mad: so I aint bothering to answer her texts at the moment.

BitterAndTwisted

ninjalass wrote: »

Can't - we're burying dad's ashes.

Ah, in that case it's bite your tongue time and keep a dignified silence for the sake of your Mum. In your place I wouldn't look him in the eye or address a single word to him and hope he naffs off back from where he came from as soon as possible.

martinthebandit

Be who you are and be happy with it, and let him be who he is.

make_me_wise

You are never going to change him. He chooses to be this way and not want a lot of contact or responsibility with his family.

As this is such a sensitive meeting up, to bury your dads ashes, then just say very little to him, be civil and get through the day harmoniously for your mums sake.

I hope the day will bring some form of closure and peace for you all.

thatgirlsam

So he isn't who you want him to be - thats life I'm afraid

If I was you I would not interfere in his relationship, or lack of, with his mother.. its his business

Up to you if you want a relationship with your brother or not.. thats your business

You can't pick your family but you can choose to be friends with them or not

gratefulforhelp_2

TBH my SIL prob sees DH in this way, he was the favourite and spoiled in some ways (not his fault) but he chose to have less to do with the family. As an adult, he makes his choices and deals with the consequences, you can't change him if he's a fully formed adult, just change your response.

SIL once rang DH and ranted down the 'phone at him on this topic, honestly it had no effect other than to put us off seeing her even more.