How to deal with people like this?

Charlies_Mummy

meritaten wrote: »

for gawds sake............how long does a swimming lesson last? an hour max? is it really too much to ask to let this poor woman sit and bump her gums for a while? do you have anything better to do? She is a lonely, pathetic woman who feels the need to 'big' her child up - probably her child is her only focus in life and why not agree the kid is the brightest, smartest, fastest most stunning child in the universe - you dont have to believe it! and the way one or two have suggested belittling the child - if I heard you do that I would think you were a horrible person. the woman only wants to talk and brag a little! where is the harm in that?

She's not just talking and bragging a little. Like I said in my first post, she is also putting me and my daughter down.

Charlies_Mummy

celyn90 wrote: »

I don't think it is a bad thing if you are unhappy or uncomfortable to want to distance yourself. Do you know any of the other parents that you could sit with?

No, all of the others sit alone. There are only 5 children in the lesson. Like I said before I'm not fussed about sitting with anyone or making poolside friends, I'd rather just chill out and watch my DD

I actually feel sorry for her to be honest. Some people just don't come across well and feel unhappy in a social situation and don't know how to make small talk.


It's natural for a parent to be proud their little one; and maybe she is doing well at school. I love the comments on here assuming her daughter is average - it doesn't matter, her mum is proud of her. How about saying "well done and that you are happy for her" instead? You don't need to follow it with a comparison to your own DD. That is probably all she needs or wants to hear. It doesn't sound nasty to me. Socially difficult if the tone is wrong, maybe, but nasty? Not sure.

I didn't follow it up with a comparison to my own DD. I think the reply she came out with sounds a bit odd when I asked her which school her DD went to. I have no idea whether her daughter is intelligent, average or below average and to be honest I really couldn't care less. As long as my children are happy at school and doing well that's all I'm interested in. I was trying to be friendly by asking her which school her DD attends.

"Well the teacher won't move her up until she's GOOD" - how about a reply like "Oh yes, it's important that they are fully confident in the water". It doesn't always need to be tit-for-tat or a points scoring exercise.

I didn't say it needed to be a tit-for-tat or points scoring exercise. In fact I didn't say that I replied to her at all. Because I didn't reply to this remark from her as I found it rude.



I am sorry, but I don't think insulting a child for an innocent mistake to get at the parent is appropriate.

I haven't done this either.

diable

I'd be blunt just tell her to Fcuk off as she annoys you and you don't have time for "little" people.............

Charlies_Mummy

meritaten wrote: »

for gawds sake............how long does a swimming lesson last? an hour max? is it really too much to ask to let this poor woman sit and bump her gums for a while? do you have anything better to do? She is a lonely, pathetic woman who feels the need to 'big' her child up - probably her child is her only focus in life and why not agree the kid is the brightest, smartest, fastest most stunning child in the universe - you dont have to believe it! and the way one or two have suggested belittling the child - if I heard you do that I would think you were a horrible person. the woman only wants to talk and brag a little! where is the harm in that?

The way some of you have responded and the awful things you say to do, my bet is not one of you would actually DO them - just 'bigging' yourselves up!

If you really cannot face talking to the woman, then as most of the reasonable posters suggest, just take an ipod and listen to music and DONT remove the earphones. Though personally I think this is very rude behaviour!

Coming back to your post as I've been thinking about it and I actually feel a bit annoyed that you think I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to listen to this woman's blatent nastiness. Yes, the lesson is only half an hour but why the heck should I have to listen to someone putting down my child and I and generally making me feel bad, for that half hour?

And as for the fact that you would "think I was a horrible person" if I did some of the suggestions on here, well to be honest as I don't know you it really doesn't bother me what you think of me. As it happens, I am a decent person, who behaves in an adult way, and I wouldn't do anything rude or nasty. However I have rights too, as does everyone else, and it's my perogative to choose not to put up with someone who makes me feel bad.

celyn90

I'm not saying you did - sorry if it came across that way; I was trying to give examples of how you could defuse it if you thought that was the way she intended it.

cel x

diable

Just tell her to stop being so condescending.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Other than the iPod suggestion, all I can suggest is you do the adult equivalent of 'that's nice, dear'. Maybe she hasn't got many friends because she doesn't know how to relate to people very well - parents with Asperger's or another ASD can come across as arrogant, for example.

I hate smalltalk with a vengeance, it causes me physical pain at the thought of it, never mind when it is called networking :eek: - but if someone makes the effort to talk to me, I do appreciate that they are making an effort (even if to mask their own insecurities or fear of thirty minutes' silence), and I really cannot be bothered to summon up the nastiness to hurt their feelings or make myself feel clever at their expense. There are people that I really cannot abide and some that totally creep me out but it is far less hassle to be politely disinterested than a spiteful, rude b***ch, which some people would like to be. Usually they get the hint in the end, but if not, at least you haven't lowered yourself to the extent that others do.

diable

You could also be nasty and say how her child is looking chubby and has she tried organic food more specific exercise for her child ;o))

Steel_2

If I were you OP I would call her on it. Ask her if she is aware that the way she interacts with people comes across as negative, condescending and smacks of one-upmanship. If you say it quietly and firmly as a genuine question you may find she doesn't realise and is surprised and receptive to a different way of dealing with you. Perhaps her behaviour in the past has led to her being shunned by people, which made her insecure so she tried harder to prove she is worthy. Then she got into a vicious cycle as more people moved away from her.

Just remember when dealing with her, SHE's the one that feels worthless and insecure and is probably projecting it on to you to try and make herself feel better.

I used to know someone like the lady you are talking about, but I decided to cut all contact with her two years ago. In addition to the behaviour you described above, she dropped herself in it without realising and told me something that made it blindingly obvious she had tried to manipulate me into doing something by lying to me and to others about me. She had forgotten she had lied. I didn't call her on it as I had put up with her for too many years by the this point and knew she was so thick-skinned she would laugh it off and then punish me with more snippiness. I just wanted it over and peace in my life, so I didn't respond to her calls, emails or cards any more. I don't want people like that in my life.

Everything she said had a sting in the tail, with an insinuation that she was better. It was incredibly rude and condescending behaviour, and stemmed from very deep insecurity. However, she also did it to other people so gradually her available pool of friends has diminished to almost nothing.

I stopped inviting her over to my house as it was just an excuse to comment negatively on *everything*, even down to the brand of flipping baking tray or toilet roll I used! I could see her eyes roving over everything hungrily looking for the next thing to comment on.

After the last visit my husband asked if we had to have her over again, and he's pretty laid back dude.

onlyroz

I've never felt any need to attempt to make friends at school-pick-up time or other similar occasions. I'd have taken a book right from the off-set. If you really don't want to talk then just go for one-word answers to her questions, and concentrate on your child's swimming.