Child's father wants back in her life

RacyRed

Swingaloo, I hear what you are saying and am sorry you were so badly upset when the information was given to you.

On the other side of the coin though, I'm currently helping a friend who decided to tell her child the truth about his parentage from the beginning, she left her partner when the baby was 3 weeks old and is now in a stable relationship. The father wanted nothing to do with the child.

Now this 6 y/o is tearing himself apart wondering why his other daddy never contacts him. He repeatedly asks what he did wrong. He is glad he has a daddy who loves him so much but this makes it even harder to understand why the other one rejected him. His mother dearly wishes she had kept the circumstances of his birth secret until he is older.

There is no right answer in these situations.

Another thought. A mother-to-be has a few short weeks to decide if she is going to be a parent or not. No more than that. Why do some men think they have the right to take years to make the same decision and have their wishes accommodated if/when they do decide they would like to be a dad to a child born years ago?

swingaloo

Swingaloo, I hear what you are saying and am sorry you were so badly upset when the information was given to you.

On the other side of the coin though, I'm currently helping a friend who decided to tell her child the truth about his parentage from the beginning, she left her partner when the baby was 3 weeks old and is now in a stable relationship. The father wanted nothing to do with the child.

Now this 6 y/o is tearing himself apart wondering why his other daddy never contacts him. He repeatedly asks what he did wrong. He is glad he has a daddy who loves him so much but this makes it even harder to understand why the other one rejected him. His mother dearly wishes she had kept the circumstances of his birth secret until he is older.

There is no right answer in these situations.


That is very true. Every child is different and whilst the child you speak of is upset at what he sees as his father abaandoning him unfortunaltly thats probably the case for hundreds of thousands of children from split homes. But who can say if he would find it any easier if he was given the information in his teens. My sisters husband left her and 2 young children to go and make a new life on the other side of the world so I do understand about childrens feelings on being abandoned.
However I still feel honesty is the best policy.




Another thought. A mother-to-be has a few short weeks to decide if she is going to be a parent or not. No more than that.

Thats something no-one can argue with, thats mother nature. But, it does work both ways in that it
gives the mother the upper hand in most other ways.

Why do some men think they have the right to take years to make the same decision and have their wishes accommodated if/when they do decide they would like to be a dad to a child born years ago?

True, good point, but even though that may be totally unfair, it isnt about the fathers rights to enter the childs life. Its about the childs right to form a bond with both parents.

sivyour

RacyRed wrote: »

Another thought. A mother-to-be has a few short weeks to decide if she is going to be a parent or not. No more than that. Why do some men think they have the right to take years to make the same decision and have their wishes accommodated if/when they do decide they would like to be a dad to a child born years ago?

She has 24-26 weeks I believe, and she is obviously aware that the situation could occur and is in a better place with that that any man.

She also knows her cycles etc, a bloke can barely remember what day the bins go out.

If as a woman your responsible enough to make those decisions which would result in a baby, then you must be prepared to be entirely responsible! Whatever the bloke decides.

If you choose to be responsible for something then you cannot decide that someone else who had not rights what so ever in that decision, should also be responsible.

As for the 6 year old, he didnt think that up by himself. I guarantee it. Implying, repetition and suggestion as well as a small dose of underestimating what children can pick up from conversation will undoubtedly be what led him to think that.

Nurturing it could well create a child that plays on it which is self damaging.

puddy

is your friend sure the letter is from social services? this is a private (civil) matter, so why would they be involved?

are the children known to ss already? were they involved when you were pregnant as a pre birth and measures taken to remove the man from the household to protect the unborn child? if so, that might be why they are involved but it seems odd to me, normall in these circumstances dad would make an application to court to see the child and then have to go through mediation, statements, assessments etc

CH27

I would be very tempted to get legal advice from a solicitor who specialises in family law.

polejunkie

If the birth cert has the fathers box left blank then legally he can go whistle as far as giving permission for adoption or name changing, he will have to go to court to gain parental responsibility before he has a say in anything the girl does.

If she was born after 2003 he may automatically get it PR but i think he still needs to be on the birth cert first.

I dont know why SS are dealing with access when CAFCASS are the ones usually to initiate it.

make_me_wise

How does your friends daughter feel about all this?

AimeesMum_2

Just a little update. It wasn't actually to do with him wanting contact with her. He was released from prison 2 years ago and moved in with a mother and child of which there was some problems - though the social worker didn't say what they were. Her daughters name was brought up at one of the meetings and they wanted to know if he had been having any contact with the daughter as he has now disappeared. x Thanks for all the help x

RacyRed

AimeesMum wrote: »

Just a little update. It wasn't actually to do with him wanting contact with her. He was released from prison 2 years ago and moved in with a mother and child of which there was some problems - though the social worker didn't say what they were. Her daughters name was brought up at one of the meetings and they wanted to know if he had been having any contact with the daughter as he has now disappeared. x Thanks for all the help x

AimeesMum wrote:

Today a letter from Social Services has turned up on the door for a meeting to discuss the ex starting up contact with his daughter.

Two very different scenarios. I think you have been winding us up and created a lot of unnecessary work for the forum team, judging from the number of missing posts AimeesMum. :mad:

GobbledyGook

RacyRed wrote: »

Two very different scenarios. I think you have been winding us up and created a lot of unnecessary work for the forum team, judging from the number of missing posts AimeesMum. :mad:

Not necessarily. It could be as simple as the mother getting a letter and seeing the words "social services" "contact" "father's name" and "childs name" then instead of reading the actual words on the letter jumping to the conclusion that her ex wants contact with her daughter.

Something I can imagine a particularly panicky person (thinking of a friend of mine - she jumps to conclusions about letters and phone calls all the time and is very panicky and somewhat ott!) doing quite easily.