Child's father wants back in her life

sivyour

I have to say, IMO, most comments here are pretty vile.

I am increasingly disgusted by all these women who think it is their right to decide if a child has contact with its father.

I am well aware of the sways that women put on their "ex's" failings.

He beat me, he uses drugs etc are the first ones thrown in. (Im not saying they are fake in this case, but they are in many many cases) Just cos he was mean to the mum, doesnt mean he will be mean to the children. I give my partner a dead leg when he picks his nose, I wouldnt do it to my kids...

It is right it should be the childs choice but is it really the childs choice when for most of its life it has only heard negatives about its father and how bad its father treated the main influence ie mother (often by choice - as in your not seeing your child.)

Futhermore, most all of these women claim the father got them pregnant and should therefore pay to raise the child. You really have to look at the choices the father has in relation to this to work out who really is responsible for the child.

Ie - In most cases it is a woman who allows the intercourse to take place. That is obviously, with exception to rape, the case.

It is her choice on if she does or doesnt take the pill. Many women lie about this, and when a man trusts her like you should trust your partner, and she gets pregnant - this becomes HIS potential financial responsibility? Men are often stupid.

If SHE DECIDES to abort the baby, he has no say in his half of the babies life as its HER body and HER baby.

It is HER choice to continue with a pregnancy or not. If SHE DECIDES to have the baby, this becomes HIS potential financial responsibility?

Now, if she does keep the baby, which is her choice, SHE will choose how to have it, what to call it, what doctors, religeon, schools, groups and influences it will have...the state will pay her keep but it becomes HIS financial responsibility to pay for the raising of the child.

This leaves her to be able to decide if there is access, when etc and even what the ex does in his life as the child is used as a control mechanism in many many many (to infinity and beyond) cases, to include if he has a partner or not - BUT it is HIS financial responsibility to pay for the raising of the child.

And if he fights to see the child, first he has to pay his maintenance and then try and find the money to pay for solicitors and court costs with whats left which is impossible if he has a new family to consider and often easier not to (not the right thing but we are talking men)

People change...alot in 7 years - or maybe not at all BUT its not a right of the mother to control the child and its life and family contacts. It doesnt belong to you, it belongs to itself and was gifted to you to care for - for a short while.

Put safety in place, I would like supervised access for a period of time REGULARLY once a week so they can bond...2 weeks is too long for children, or access with myself/and or my partner. ie trips out all together, perhaps with his family and the childs siblings. I want 6 months of random drug testing and a crb.

Do the right thing by your children. BY THEM not by you first and then by what you think is best for you and them. BUT RIGHT BY THEM.

Kids are sharp, they'll work it out if its not right for them. If you make the wrong choice it WILL bite you back but ultimately it will damage the child throughout its life causing all sorts of issues from schooling to relationships. Parental alienation is the worst kind of abuse.

Speaking from massive amounts of experience from all sides of the fence.

swingaloo

Not trying to open a can of worms here but- a friend of mine was in a simlilar situation although in this case the child was 9 years old. The father had been in and out of prison over the years, had drug issues, never acknowledged the child and had never had contact.

He now sees the child every other weekend and has taken hiom on holidays twice, they have a fabulous relationship although my friends husband took a long time to come to terms with another man entering 'his sons' life.

The man my friend knew years ago was totally differerent to the man she once knew. He said he had spent years regretting his past behaviour and that missing out on his sons first years was a hard thing to live with.

From my friend point of view she is so glad that she hadnt lied to her son about his father because they would not have been able to have the relationship they now have and her son would have not forgiven her for lying.

The man has made mistakes but he is still the father and the child should have a chance to see if he is changed and worth knowing.

swingaloo

Just thought of one more thing to mention.
I was denied the right to ever meet my natural father by my mum and the man I called dad all my life. The are both gone now and Im too late, I will never forgive them for lying to me .

princessdreamer

It is a small minority of women who lie about their exs. Mine is a total loser yet I have never stopped him seeing the kids, he did hit me, hit and verbally abused my oldest. Yet I bit my tongue to let the children decide for themselves. They decided with a big push from him ignoring them that enough was enough and he was out of their lives.
They are free to contact him in future if they can find him, they have photos and sadly for them memories of the person he really is. He does sometimes flit in with a few insults and threats aimed my way to intimidate or bully money out of me, I just laugh and get on with life.

AimeesMum_2

Thanks Racyred...can you link me to a similar document in Scotland? xxx

RacyRed

AimeesMum wrote: »

He has nevr tried to make contact with the child and isn't on the birth certificate. My friend has never heard from him in 7 years but has heard from mutual people that they know that he has been inside a fair bit and has been using hereoin over the years.

This guy does not sounds as if the child mattered to him in any way over the last 7 years. The child's mum has bad memories of him. That is fact.

The child is now in a stable family relationship. We do not know if she knows of the existance of her natural father. Maybe that information is something her mother hasn't shared with her yet - I don't know how you put it nicely to a child that she has another father that until recently, has shown no interest in her whatsoever?

It is the child's interests that are paramount. Then her mothers, then her stepfather. Her natural father put himself at the botom of the priorty list. He has to face the possible consequences of that now.

swingaloo

It is the child's interests that are paramount. Then her mothers, then her stepfather. Her natural father put himself at the botom of the priorty list. He has to face the possible consequences of that now.

That is true, however lying to the child and stopping any contact are not in the childs best interest long term. It has to be balanced. Hovever painful for the mother and stepfather, the child has a right to know about her natural father and make her own mind up in time.

RacyRed

AimeesMum wrote: »

Thanks Racyred...can you link me to a similar document in Scotland? xxx

http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2006/04/27135238/1

Scroll down to
You and your children - Parental Responsibilities and Rights ( PRRs)

RacyRed

swingaloo wrote: »

It is the child's interests that are paramount. Then her mothers, then her stepfather. Her natural father put himself at the botom of the priorty list. He has to face the possible consequences of that now.

That is true, however lying to the child and stopping any contact are not in the childs best interest long term. It has to be balanced. Hovever painful for the mother and stepfather, the child has a right to know about her natural father and make her own mind up in time.

Perhaps, but that is the sort of conversation you have with a teenager, not a 7 year old.

Simply not telling a child that there is another father out there until that child is old enough to be able to emotionally handle that information isn't lying to them.

Adopted children cannot go in search of their birth parents until they are 18. Once their parents have given them up for adoption those parents have to live with the consequences. Is this really so very different?

swingaloo

I understand what you are saying but as someone who was only told the truth at 15 I can tell you that it is such a shock and there is a deep sense of betrayal as well. The earlier a child is told the easier it will adapt to living with the situation. Im not saying that the child should be given all the details (heroin etc) just the knowledge that a natural father is out there. If the child grows up thinking stepdad is the natural father as I did its devastating to find out the truth.

A young child will accept things at face value and ask questions when its ready as he or she grows.

I suppose its like if a 6 year old asks where babies come from, a child will accept- 'mummy's tummy'. They dont need the ins and outs of how it got there!

Honesty, in accordance with the childs age and understanding is paramount.