Have any of you ever been slowly dumped by a friend?

honeypop

I wouldn't just drop contact and wait for her to get in touch, as has been suggested. IMO as she is still responding, although lukewarm, there is still something there. If you just stop contacting her, she may feel you are the one doing the 'dumping'.

As has been mentioned, if there is any hint of depression then she will like your contact but not have much to respond with so not bother. I have been guilty of this recently, and would feel even worse if people simply stopped contacting me without trying to find out if there is a reason. I don't know why but I couldn't bring myself to tell friends how I was feeling, but when asked about it I was able to open up as I didn't feel like I was moaning to them, just answering their question.

I would email her, with your news and chatty bits just like always, and add something like you feel you are drifting apart a little bit recently and you hope everything is ok with her, and if there's anything she needs help with or to talk about then you are there for her. This may encourage her to let you know if there's a problem. If you still want a definite answer as to whether to carry on trying with her, then also add something along the lines of you hope you haven't done anything to cause the drifting apart, and although you understand she may just be busy, it also feels like she doesn't want to stay in touch anymore, and that if you receive no response from this email then you know where you stand and you wish her well with the future etc. That way, if you receive no response you know where you stand, and if you've go tthe wrong end of the stick she wil surely be in touch to sort it out.

You say she's your closest friend, so if you aren't able to ask her directly what's up, then hopefully you can put this in an email and get an answer one way or the other.

londoner1998

Dawning wrote: »

This is a weird situation.
You know when a guy is trying to dump you but is too cowardly to say it outright....you get that distant feeling, he doesn't return your calls as often etc etc?
Well I'm getting exactly that but from my best friend. I have asked if anything is wrong, she said all is fine but she's definitely pushing me away. I'm not sure what else to do. We don't live close to one another any longer but we have stayed in touch for several years with almost daily emails and phone chats a couple of times a week etc. Now she rarely replies to my emails - she called me a week ago and again said everything was ok. I have now sent two emails since, chatty, asking how she is, giving her my news, just the usual, but had no reply.
This has been going on now for about three months....

I don't know what to do next.
stop emailing her I suppose and just leave it up to her? if she doesn't want to be friends any longer I'd prefer it if she just said so..I feel like a bit of an idiot sending emails that get ignored etc.

Hello OP

Yes, I have- with my best friend of 18 years... and it ended up in tears. I was in a veru similar situation to you, with the difference that I moved to London 13 years ago. we have always been in touch since (mostly me making the phone calls etc as it was easier and cheaper) and during my trips home she was the first person I woudl see- would picke me up from the airport, we would go out, etc... to cut a long story short, last summer I was planning a trip there with my partner (whom she has known from the beginning and we have been together for 8 years) and I was dying to see her new flat (she fianlly managed to get a flat for herself and she little daughter). I was so happy for her and so looking forward to share her good news... but like you, I started to get a very strange feeling: she didn't reply to my emails, didn't pick up the phone, changed her phone number and I only found out through her mum... I asked before going if everything was ok and she said it was. We went there, only to have to leave her flat after the second night because of the way she behaved towards my partner (she refused to include him in anything and acted as if he wasn't there- wouldn't even acknoledge his presents to her diaghter that he bought himself in London with so much care and love). That was it- she treated him so badly and we ended up having such a row that I just couldn't believe it. It turned out she was still upset that I decided to move to London... almost 13 years ago, to try and find work and make my own life. My gut feeling was right, and I remember telling my OH that something was not quite right or the same even before we flew over there. I mourned for that friendship and all the years we had together for a couple of months , it really upset me... but I had to accept it had run its course. Just like any other relationship...

So... getting back to your own situation: if your inner radar is picking up something , ask her. If you still feel it and she denies it, may but you need to consider what has been going on-she probably has some porblems of her own to sort out, but she should let you know at least. Then you can decided whether you can put up wth beign ignored in that way. I would ask her directly. I think if a friendship doesn't make you feel loved and valued, then it is not such as friendship in the first place.

Good luck, I hope it is just a blip...

Acc72

Some good advice here - as others have said, you don't have to make a friend and stay friends in the same context forever.

Over time our lives change - it is not a "fault" of either you or your friend if you decide to go your own separate ways.

I also think that if your gut feel is that something is not quite right, then often somehting is not quite right.

If you want to continue with your freindship I would advise that you ring your friend (please do not text or e-mail or facebook or whatever - apart from potential mis-interpretation, the freind could genuinely be busy and forget to reply etc.).

During the conversation just mention that you haven't seen as much of each other lately and that you would like to meet up (this is better than a more needy sounding "don't you want to be my freind any more" !).

If she makes excuses then just leave the ball in her court and ask her to give you a ring when she is free.

If she then does not ring, then I am not sure I would bother any further - still send birthday / christmas cards etc. (if you do) as others have said lifes circle may come round again and you could just be going through a blip and recover in the future.

It would be interesting to hear how things develop.

make_me_wise

Foggster wrote: »

Friends can be with you for a lifetime and then friends can be with you for short times.

Exactly this. I think with some friendships it is unrealistic to think that they will last a lifetime. People change so much from when they are in their teens - 20s, 20-30s, 30-40s etc. Not necessarily personaility wise, although I think as you experience more and more your outlook and direction can change and you drift apart from people you were once close to.

I have only one friend from when I was at school, despite having a good circle of friends all through that stage of my life. I have a couple of friends who I have stayed in touch with from uni, most of my friends that I have now I have gradually picked up whilst being in different jobs. I am wondering whether things will change a bit when I have a baby early next year. Am hoping some new friends will come into my life and to keep hold of the ones I have.

Pee

I think the sign of a good friend is whan things happen in your life and you lose touch for a bit you can just pick right up a few years later. I have one friend who we only really, really "work" when we are both single. We make an effort sometimes the rest of the time, but when she is in a relationship, she gets really wrapped up in it - she's actually older than me, but I get to be the agony aunt with relationships as she finds men so hard to relate to and has had lots of bad experiences. She has come to stay with my boyfriend and me, and likes him, but they don't really get on. She didn't like my previous boyfriend, but there were good reasons for that.

I have another friend who a while ago I was really struggling - it wasn't exactly depression, but a mental health issue - and during this time I saw her and I know I wasn't my usual self with her because I knew if I spoke to her too much she would see what was wrong and I wanted to hide it. It wasn't because I don't like and value her, it was because I do - and at that time, telling her wasn't an option, we were in a crowded place and I'd have been sobbing. I bet she'll think I have slighted her and I really feel I need to explain why it was - things are now better and I could do that.

There can be more reasons than the obvious.

Talking to her is the best approach and otherwise leave a little space without avoiding contacting her at all.

charlie-chan

I would carry on e-mailing but state that you do care about them and that you still want to be good friends/be in touch when they get in touch. You said they had a child, maybe they are busy with their school life? Life will always get in the way of friendships lol.

From own experience, I had a friend who dropped me because I was constantly late or cancelling on her last minute. Yes, I was terrible for it but I was working 5 weeks straight at the time (5 days 8-5 at playscheme, 2 days in my retail job 9-5) and I was always so tired by the end of the week when the events came around.

When this friend became distant/nobody else got in touch (think she told our mutual friends some stuff), I called her up on it. We had a chat and I gave her some distance. It is slowly getting back to normal but its tricky when they refused to tell you what's wrong/told everyone else instead of the person concerned.

Dawning

Well I am relieved to read that I'm not the only one this has happened to. I've been through all the phase of blaming myself, askign myself what I've done wrong, asked her if I'd done anything wrong etc etc.

Just to be clear - my friend lives in France, has lived there for many years. She has an adult child who is 23 who still lives at home but none at school. She works part time from home as a copy editor and is on the internet all day - hence I knew something was wrong when she wasn't replying to my emails.

I am just about to phone her to talk things through, assuming she will talk to me about it. I'll post again after the call. I know something is wrong and I'm actually nervous about making the call.

eamon

It would appear that this is a "woman" thread. Anyway similar things happen to men as well. Its part of life and can be sad. For me it starts with changing schools (primary, secondary etc). Our lives evolve and at different stages we inadvertently shed many of the bonds that we had in common. Moving town/city doesn't help either. Its very easy to miss out on all the nuances in the lives of our growing up friends and I suspect that we don't notice until we find out that so and so is married/divorced/seriously ill/deceased and we never knew and weren't even invited to the original event, let alone reading about the death in the obituraries in the on line version of the local newspaper.

red_devil

ive met quite a few friends over the years but they have fizzled. I find that people arent reliable and often contact is one way. These days i dont really worry about it. I often find friendships more hassle than they are worth.

Lately i have met a genuine friendly person on a course who i like and find interesting. She has given some signs that she would like to keep in touch when the course is over and has invited me over. Because of all the bad experiences ive had i think maybe i wont bother. It could be that this time i could find a good friend but when you meet alot of row outs you feel you cant be bothered to get to know people only for it to end or they not to be the person you thought they were.

Dawning

I called her last night, she answered the phone and was ok at first but when I started to try to talk to her about this, she said she was busy and would call me back.....

She rang me this morning and said that - I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS - she's jealous of me because I'm single and have my 'freedom' and she hates her husband and her life and when I talk about my life she hates me too!
There is nothing, no reason at all, for anyone to be jealous of me!
I am single, I hardly ever go out, I don't go out on dates or anything like that, my work life is a disaster, I'm permanently skint. I haven't got a man in my life because I feel too old and fat...Ive got hardly any friends - one less now :mad: - I just cannot see why anyone would be jealous of anything at all about me or my life.

I am so hurt and angry. She was the only person in the world I could really talk to - she knew me inside out and I thought I did her too. Obviously not.
I've got no other close friends, one or two acquaintances but nobody I can open up to like I did with her.