Have any of you ever been slowly dumped by a friend?

too_much_debt

I had a friend who I met at College, we were friends for about 5 or 6 years after College, then I realised one day that it was always me calling her so I waited to see if she would call me and she didn't. She saw my parents once when they were out shopping and asked if I was OK as I hadn't called her and my mum said you haven't called her either.

That was the end of the friendship, I wasn't going to be making all the effort. I didn't particularly miss her anyway so wasn't too upset as she hadn't treated me very well at various points in our friendship.

mobilefan

I knew my best friend for ages then she met this bloke I got dropped in favour of him I tried to tell her that you can have both but she didnt listen anyway they broke up she wanted to be best friends again I helped her through the break-up then she got back with him eventually married him again I got dropped her relationship with her new hubby was up and down he was a right waster and treated her badly, anyway I got fed up of being treated badly by her and stopped contacting her (it was always me that phoned) within two weeks I had been rung several times and had emails coming in from every direction but for me the damage had been done and I walked away because when I stepped back and looked at it from a distance I could see that there hadnt been a friendship for over a year it was only when she needed something that she contacted me

beedeedee

Friendships have to work both ways - I once gave up on a long standing friend because I constantly came second to a cupboard that she needed to clean .......!

Barny1979

I've had this too, was always the one seeing how the other was, they always were moaning and never interested in asking how things were with me etc. Decided not to email them 3 months ago and heard nothing since from them.

CH27

I would email her saying that you respect the fact she is busy.
Say you miss chatting to her & so as you aren't hassling her you will wait for her to be in touch.

flippin36

Three months is a long time. Try and have something else going on in your life to take your mind off it. Don't automatically assume its you, or something you've done wrong, I often just need a break from people, and sometimes friendships just fizzle out for no particular reason. If there is a problem and she hasn't got the courtesy to tell you, then you probably don't want her around you anyway. Has she a history of moodiness or huffiness over tiny things? Could she have a problem in her own life that she is not coping with?

Whatever it is, it clearly isn't your problem because you have tried contacting her, asking about how she's doing etc. What more can you do than that? Leave it and just see what happens and try to not let it get to you.

CL

I would second what RacyRed said about the fact she may be suffering from depression. A very close friend of mine has been suffering from depression recently and when she is, she cannot muster any enthusiasm to have a chat on the phone or by text. When we visited her she told us she was sorry for not being in touch, but she felt like she had nothing positive to say. She is getting treatment now and back to her normal self.

joanne0620

My best friend and I grew apart after I had DS, she's the ultimate party girl, single, no responsibilities etc and could not understand why DS had to come first!

Anyway we limped on for a while with me doing all the running, inviting her for tea etc, it all then came to a head one weekend when we had arranged to meet at a street festival. I struggled on 2 buses to get there with DS in a buggy (and struggling with Arthritis too), met up with her for all of 5 minutes then she told me she felt ill and apparently went home!

DS and I had a lovely afternoon pottering round the festival and on the way back to the bus stop we passed a pub and who was sat outside, drunk as a skunk with all her other party friends!

To this day she doesn't know that I saw her, I just dropped all contact with her and have never seen her since.

I would echo what other posters have said about maybe gently enquiring if everything is ok and if she insists it is then I would leave it to her to get in touch. Its very sad when this sort of things happens but again as others have said some people are only meant to be briefly in our lives.

Good Luck xx

euronorris

Dawning wrote: »

This is a weird situation.
You know when a guy is trying to dump you but is too cowardly to say it outright....you get that distant feeling, he doesn't return your calls as often etc etc?
Well I'm getting exactly that but from my best friend. I have asked if anything is wrong, she said all is fine but she's definitely pushing me away. I'm not sure what else to do. We don't live close to one another any longer but we have stayed in touch for several years with almost daily emails and phone chats a couple of times a week etc. Now she rarely replies to my emails - she called me a week ago and again said everything was ok. I have now sent two emails since, chatty, asking how she is, giving her my news, just the usual, but had no reply.
This has been going on now for about three months....

I don't know what to do next.
stop emailing her I suppose and just leave it up to her? if she doesn't want to be friends any longer I'd prefer it if she just said so..I feel like a bit of an idiot sending emails that get ignored etc.

I went through something similar with two of my closest friends after I left the UK.

Eventually, after much skirting round the issue, and feeling like I was always the one who initated contact, I decided to try and talk about it fully with them. It was hard for me, as I was convinced that they didn't want me in their lives anymore and was afraid of losing them, but......as others had pointed out to me, if I'm doing all the chasing, what exactly would I have lost? Anyway, I emailed and explained how I felt, why I was concerned and asked if I had upset them/if there was anything going on in their lives that they needed support with. Well, it was far more detailed than that, but get the gist of it.

Turns out one had been suffering with depression (after moving to another town, trying to make new friends etc), and didn't want to bring us down by moaning all the time (bless her!), just as RacyRed has suggested above. And the other had a mixture of different things going on with her family, and there was some resentment towards me and our other friend for leaving. I had always suspected this, but it hadn't been discussed.

We all talked about it, and now things are back on an even keel. The contact is not as often as it used to be, and I don't think it ever will be as we now all live so far apart, and have various different things going on in our lives. We can't dedicate as much time to each other as we did when we were 18. That's another thing that can be hard to accept, but you'll feel better when you do - the dynamics of the friendship change over time as we make different life choices. But, it doesn't mean you can't still be bl00dy good mates, you just don't necessarily have the time to chat every day.

We also made a committment to all see each other at least once or twice a year, and rotate which location it is in to keep it fair.

Now, as you said you no longer live near each other, I am wondering if it is you who moved? And if so, is it possible that your friend is upset about you leaving?

The only way you will truly get to the bottom of this is to have a very open and honest conversation, calmly, and be prepared to accept that you may have, unwittingly, upset her somehow (try not to get too defensive if she is upset about something).

I hope that helps.

xx

ETA: The friend who was upset with me for leaving, also felt that it was my responsibility to maintain contact as I was the one who left. We've discussed it since, and it's gone back to being a two way street, but I was also wondering if this is maybe how your friend feels.

molly_money_mandy

To add a different view, im in the same situation only Im the friend who is now distancing herself (in my situation, not Dawning's friend!!)

Its really hard actually, i dont expect others to sympathise, and the response will be 'why dont you just tell her' - but I have tried and she just doesnt seem to 'get it'. Believe it or not, i dont want to be nasty, i dont want to 'dump her' (i hate that phrase), i just feel like ive moved on from where we used to be, and she hasnt - how do you tell that to someone without coming across as pretentious!
What i would say, is I agree with alot of ppl on here in that you shouldnt take it personally - you just dont know whats going on in her life, and just because you were close once doesnt mean she will tell you everything now.

I have been diagnosed with depression and have suffered with it on/off for years. Not many ppl know as im the bubbly entertainer when we all go out, i make ppl laugh (most of the time AT me) but i dont let my insecurities come across to many ppl at all. My mum died last year which made me seek help at last, and i feel like i have grown up ALOT in the last year. The friend was ok when it happened, she did all the things she's supposed to, but still gave me sh** for not coming out to her bday 6weeks after it all happened. I just cant talk to her about anything meaningful - she's my friend for going to the pub with in a group, not who i confide in. She is very much stuck in the past, she talks EVERY time we go out about 'remember when....' conversations (infront of my partner now who cant join in) and we even had a big bust up 8 months after my mum died after I told her i had changed alot and didnt want to carry on going to things with certain people as they are not people i want to spend time with(all the crowd from my teenage years) - she said she thought i was being selfish. We made up, but it just justified that i cant talk to her, i dont WANT to talk to her, i just enjoy seeing her and her partner for a drink and a natter (nothing deep!) and then go our seperate ways again until next time.

Im now in the awful situation where I think she sees me as a 'bad' friend now who doesnt make much effort, but what else do i do? I tried to speak to her and she doesnt see where im coming from. Shes had no big changes in her life since ive known her, be it good changes or bad, but how do you 'calm' a friendship down without causing hurt?

So, my long winded answer is, obviously everyones situation is different, but maybe just give her some space. Read the signals. Shes backing off - dont take it personally, anything could be going on in her head. If she doesnt respond, take her for dinner and ask her (in a non-defensive manner) if everything is ok with HER. And if she doesnt disclose anything just let it be. Its not necessarily anything to do with you! And if it is, then you're more likely to find out by giving her space rather than smuthering her for answers.

Sorry for the long ramble but hope it helps a little