Totally confused and do not know what to do

dianetheartist

so what happens if the sex goes out of the window if she has a baby--as it often does either for a short time or longer after birth? I think you would be mad to contemplate having a baby with someone you have known for only a short time--even though you are convinced she is ''the one''
feelings can change--and it sounds like you will have a difficult time ahead if you do decide to leave your wife for this other woman--
get that over and done with before bringing a baby into the world, make sure of your feelings for each first...

pigpen

Or to put another spin on it..

.. how about her OH has issues with his swimmers and they both want a baby and she met this guy who is bit of a mug and she will get pregnant and you'll never see her or your offspring again because they will put her husbands name on the birth certificate and you won't have a leg to stand on.. at which point our wife finds out kicks you to the kerb and rightly so and you end up with noone.

Do you not love your wife? Have you no respect for her? You owe it to her to be a grown up and fess up... and don't be shocked if she already knows.

CH27

pigpen wrote: »

Or to put another spin on it..

.. how about her OH has issues with his swimmers and they both want a baby and she met this guy who is bit of a mug and she will get pregnant and you'll never see her or your offspring again because they will put her husbands name on the birth certificate and you won't have a leg to stand on.. at which point our wife finds out kicks you to the kerb and rightly so and you end up with noone.

Do you not love your wife? Have you no respect for her? You owe it to her to be a grown up and fess up... and don't be shocked if she already knows.

:eek:
You have a delightfully cynical mind:D

pearl123

How would you like it if your wife was doing this to you ? Holding a relationship behind your back ?
I suggest you be honest and tell you wife. If you haven't got your integrity what have you got ?

To me it looks like your heart has moved on to the new woman. If this is where you think your future is - then inform your wife.

You'll have to excuse my bluntness, but you sound like you are in love with the new woman. Don't make a fool of your wife - she deserves to know where she stands.

podperson

I'm sorry but I don't understand what kind of advice you are looking for here. If you and your new girlfriend are truly in love and are convinced that you are meant to be together and that you want children - then why are you both still with your current partners and sneaking around behind their backs?
The only options I can see are that either one or both of you aren't convinced that it isn't just the novelty of being in a new relationship and are trying to keep their options open OR you have some kind of misplaced notion about not hurting your wife - when let's face it you've already done that by sleeping with someone else. You have been with your wife for 24 years, even if you don't love her anymore then she deserves to be treated with more respect then you are showing her.

sueeve

Why do you accept that it is all right for a lot of innocent people to be hurt? Are you more important than them? Work on your marriage, and if that does not work break that (and your life commitment!) and then and only then pick up this new relationshp.
It sounds to me as though you are trying to prove to yourself that you are not past it. Your wife may not have been able to conceive and produce a child, but surely she has given you other things which are worthwhile, like presumably most of her adult life to date.

paddy's_mum

If you were my husband and I found out that you had been carrying on behind my back for months (think how many hundreds of lies must have been told!) I'd be packing your bag for you.

You need male spherical objects to make a baby. Pity you only have the neanderthal sort not the ones that give a man sufficient backbone to be honest with his innocent, loyal wife.

Have you thought yet of what will happen if the child you plan is severely disabled in some way? Can you afford to pay child support for the rest of your life if your new relationship should break up and the child is dependent upon you?

I do understand the hit-with-a-sledgehammer aspect of all this but would offer one word of caution, based upon years of experience and observation of people. How could either you or your new girlfriend ever be sure that a few years down the line, someone else more attractive wouldn't come along and walk off with your lover? Why not - you'll each already have done so to one partner or spouse!

shy-but-need-help

I think the only decent thing you can do is be honest with your wife, after 24 years even if you're not in love anymore you should at least still care about her enough to value her feelings and allow her to end your relationship with her pride and dignity rather than looking like a fool whilst you're comfortably publicly kissing another woman (and please don't kid yourself that no one knows, my MIL "sneaks" around finding supposed true love **rolleyes** with married men and every single time she comes over to tell us about this new found flame every single time at least one or more people have already told my DH they've seen his mother making a donkey's !!!!! of herself playing away again... her true love usually last as long as it takes for the bill paying, home running, laundry washing, job hunting new reality kicks in and she's then left wanting to sleep on our sofa whilst mr Perfect-of-the-moment is left grovelling to a wife he's left for my MIL)

Value your wife, she's worth more than being left with the feeling everyone but her knew. I wouldn't expect it to be pretty- we experienced secondary infertility and if my husband would have moved on to someone else during that time It would not have been pretty.

globetraveller

not sure why you went to the bother of setting up a new identity here( but i do wonder how many trolls start their post with this)
to hide from family and friends and yet you hold hands and kiss in public??
if you are for real- tell your wife before someone else does- or is that what you want to happen?

meer53

Lost_in_the_mist wrote: »

Yes it is love and not lust,I think I am old enough to understand that.I have many female friends but I have never experienced anything like this with anybody before and this was from the start,well before we slept together

You asked for advice, well here's mine.

What you're doing is despicable. It's the single most selfish thing anyone can do. I know. I've been in your wifes position and i can tell you, it stinks.
If you're not getting on and having "tiffs" that doesn't give you the right to go and do what you've done. I won't comment on "the love of your life" because she's just as bad as you.

You cannot imagine the heartache this will inflict on your wife if she finds out, especially if you insensitively let her know that you're planning a new family with this other woman. It will destroy her.

Do the decent thing, end it now, sort out your life, THEN find yourself a girlfriend.