Upset after hen night

deef

Very long story coming up… bear with me.

About 7 years ago I lived abroad for a year and made friends with 3 girls when I was there. Even at that time, I knew they weren’t really my kind of people (mainly interested in making money, drinking excessively, sleeping around and making fun of others) but the circumstances brought us together and we stayed in touch after our return to the UK.

Since then, we’ve seen each other about once a year and each time I return from having met up with then I feel quite crap about myself. They have always been quite patronising towards me for all sorts of reasons – they see me as quite boring and tame in comparison to themselves and mock me (in what they would see as in a friendly banterous way but I find very hurtful) for not being as ambitious as them (I’m a teacher, not a high flyer in the City) and for wanting to settle down and have a nice life with my boyfriend (now fianc!) and maybe some children in the near future if we are lucky. It’s always bothered me but I always felt I should rise above it and keep in contact as we have the shared experience of being abroad together, even though we have very little in common.

I am now getting married in July and have invited all 3 to the wedding as they are old friends. I had my hen night at the weekend and they made the effort to travel up for it which was surprising, but I thought it was nice of them as it’s quite a distance. However, during the whole hen night they were horrendous and made me feel so terrible about myself. I was very nervous anyway before the hen night as I don’t really like being the centre of attention (but I know I need to get over this for the wedding!) and I was worried that people would be disappointed – I wanted a really nice day and night with my friends and family and really didn’t want one of those nights where the hen got really drunk and had to do dares/ chatup men etc. It’s really not my idea of a good time. I knew most of my friends understood this as they knew me but I was worried that these 3 girls would find it boring. I did consider calling them earlier in the week to explain what it would be like but then never really got around to it.

The day itself started with an afternoon tea type thing at a friend’s house where they had prepared lots of games about me and my partner which were great fun and really lovely. The 3 girls didn’t bother showing up for this – they went to the pub instead.

Then we had a murder mystery dinner – I’d decided on this as I thought it would be a good way to get people to mingle as there were lots of people who didn’t know others and I’d heard that these were really good fun. Everyone really got into it, except of course, these friends who spent the whole time rolling their eyes and declaring loudly that it was really boring and stupid and that the whole thing needed to be “livened up”. There was a group of rugby players drinking in the hotel bar and they also kept disappearing off to drink with them and then kept trying to stop the murder mystery so we could all go down and be with the rugby boys.

Then we went out to a bar and after a short time they told me they were going to a different club and they might see me later and then promptly left. All of my friends were shocked, as was I. I couldn’t believe that they had travelled all this way to come to my hen party, then decided they were bored so had gone off to do their own thing. I was so upset but I had to keep trying to hide it as I didn’t want other people to realise how gutted and humiliated I felt. It really ruined my night, and although lots of people did stay, I didn’t enjoy myself after that – I was feeling so low. But I kept having to pretend I was having a great time as I knew I couldn’t leave early – it was my hen do after all – and it wasn’t fair on all of my other friends as they were making such an effort to give me a good night.

Even two days later I am still really upset with them and I haven’t spoken to them since. I don’t think they even realise that they did something wrong and that I might be feeling really down because of it.

In about 6 weeks 2 of the 3 are coming to my wedding. The third still hasn’t rsvped yet so may be coming too. I really, really don’t want them to be there. They made me feel so crap about myself at my hen do and I really don’t want to be made to feel that way on my wedding day. I know them and they will very likely laugh and joke about the fact it’s on such a budget and I really think even the mildest of their comments will really upset me on the day. I really wish I can un-invite them but to do so is so rude and petty that it would be sinking to their level. Can you give me any advice? And can you tell me if you think I can being really melodramatic for letting this affect me so much? I really can’t judge if I am over-reacting or not.

littlecat29

Hi Deef

Im so sorry that this happened to you and effectively ruined your hen night, some people ( i wont call them friends) can be so selfish...

Is it really so petty and sinking to their level to uninvite them to your wedding? i dont think so and i certainly wouldnt think twice abt uninviting them i have to say! You want to be surrounded by friends and loved ones and not by 3 so called friends who cant be bothered to treat your hen night with respect.
What if they get bored at your wedding and decide to cut and run after theyve eaten? I would just be assertive, phone them and say that after the hen night you've realised that your friendship isnt what you thought it was and under the circumstances you feel that it is probably best if they didnt come to teh wedding.
I know its probably not what you want to do given your last paragraph in your post but i bet you will feel far calmer and relaxed on your day instead of concerned about what they think or how they're behaving.

Dont let 3 people ruin your plans for your day.

Littlecat x

jamsandwhich

Sorry you had such a rotten night

I will answer this as I would react myself - ring them all up and un-invite them to the wedding. I would say something along the lines of 'we are obviously very different people and I don't like the way you treat or speak to me and as such really really don't want you at my wedding so please class this conversation as your un-invitation'.

If you need some moral support have someone alse sitting there while you tell them but just do it and be strong - you will tie yourself in knots and if something happens on the day it will eat you up.

This is only what I would do though - others will react differently but from your post it sounds like things bother you so would say that any little eye-roll will have you wound up. It also seems from your post that the friendship has run its course and a parting of company is in order - good luck x

Mojisola

If you're feeling very nervous about it, sending them a letter might be better. You don't want to be on the end of a rude tirade on the phone when you tell them!

YoungBaker

I think you definitely have to uninvite them.

You were the bigger perosn in the first place to even allow them to come to your hen night and act that way - if that where to happen to some people they would tell them right there and then to get off and don't bother coming to your wedding.

You are clearly very upset by this and it ruined your once in a lifetime night, so why would you provide them with any opportunity to do the same on your one most important day?

It's your wedding and you have who you really want there and want to share it with - and it is clear you do not want to with these girls. To be honest, I wouldn't even bother phoning them. If you don't want to actually speak to them just send a text and say you can't believe the way they acted on your hen night and actually left your night - it's really upset you and they clearly have no worry about ruining your night so you're sure they won't want to bother coming to your wedding either so you may aswell save them the cost of travelling up and you the cost of ruining your day.

deef

Thank you for your comments – it does make me feel better that you have confirmed that I have every right to be angry and upset. It’s so hard to see things impartially and I was worried that I was being over-sensitive.

I don’t really have the guts to phone them today – I am worried I might cry – so I’ve been trying to compose an email. This is what I’ve got so far – please could you let me know if you think it is too rude or if I sound too self-righteous:



I feel I must send you an email to explain how upset I am by the way you acted this weekend.

Throughout the whole time we have been friends, I have always been hurt by the way you have made fun of me for the choices I have made and the way I live my life. However, as we have the shared experience of being abroad and all of the memories that come with that, I have always tried to ignore this and rise above it for the sake of maintaining the friendship.

Nevertheless, last weekend has showed me that this friendship has run its course, we have nothing in common any more and you have no respect for me.

You will probably think I am overreacting as you will never understand how upset I felt on Saturday night. You made it clear that the night, my company and my friends were too tame and boring for you to tolerate and you left, despite the fact you had made the journey to celebrate my hen night and that we hadn’t seen each other for over a year.

I am very lucky as I have some wonderful friends that treat me well and make me feel good about myself. On my wedding day, I only want to be surrounded by friends and family that make me feel this way and wish the very best for me and my fianc!. Unfortunately I don’t believe that you fall into this category and if you came to the wedding I would be reminded of how devastated I felt on Saturday and I really don’t want to feel so low on what is meant to be the happiest day of my life.

I understand that you may have already booked transport and I’m sorry if this puts you out of pocket. However, I paid for the hotel on Saturday so perhaps that evens it out.

sammy_wheeler

really sorry you had a rubbish hen do- because of those selfish people- i wouldnt call them friends

i would defo univite them

Stephb1986_2

Sounds good to me love!!

Good on you! It looks to me like they are jealous.

Chin up

Steph xx

kazd

I think you actually have to say that you are un-inviting them in the email. Not sure about the last sentence it sounds a little tit for tat. Maybe best just not to mention it at all.

Definitely un-invite them, I had a situation with my friend who fell out with me, I was living abroad at the time. I was very distressed and thought about them every day. I got married abroad and had a party in the UK when we came back, I desperately wanted to invite them to the party but was worried that if I would spend the whole evening waiting for them to turn up. In the end I decided against it but I am happy to say that we did get back together several years later and everything is fine. They weren't like your friends though it was just a bit of a misunderstanding.

littlecat29

that sounds good to me, well done for making such a hard decision. I too once a friend who made me feel bad about myself, my life etc but i still stuck around for the sake of maintaining something that went back many years. Then i read an article in a magazine about 'toxic friendship' and it basically described mine and my friends relationship.
I think that is possibly what you and these 3 girls have now, dont feel bad about it - some friendships run their course and i believe that you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you press the send button to that email.

Curious_George_2

i think you need to make it a little clearer at the end that they are uninvited,

so after this bit "if you came to the wedding I would be reminded of how devastated I felt on Saturday and I really don’t want to feel so low on what is meant to be the happiest day of my life" say something along the lines of "so i think it is best all round if you, XX and XX dont come to the wedding"

Obviously this will be the end of the "friendship", but frankly you dont need people like that in your life.