am i doing the right thing??

smartpicture

jellytot79 wrote: »

Am i doing the right thing?

You're doing the right thing for you.

You're not doing the right thing for your children.

It would be different if their father was uninvolved or didn't care, but you said he sees them several times a week, so he's a big part of their lives. No matter how good your intentions, their relationship with him will be damaged by that. It's not fair on them, and it's not fair on their father.

puddy

i know each case is different but i feel very uncomfortable when children are moved away from the non resident parent. in this case, it would seem to confirm my fears, its not a straight 300 mile drive (bad enough) but to calculate in the cost and time of ferries and flights.

you say that the kids have dealt with the split well. please dont underestimate the loss and trauma that kids will experience when their parents split. what they say to you will be some of what you want to hear, some of what they want to be true and some of the truth. they will be very conflicted and confused.

they'll feel enough guilt when their respective teen social lives and saturday jobs or studies take their contact time away from dad, that will be made much worse by distance. its in their interest that a full, close relationship with their dad is maintained.

soup

BOYFRIEND. You must have been having an affair. Now look at the mess. Taking the kids away from their dad, school, home, friends, town is best for who?....... You and 'boyfriend' thats all.

flutterby_lil

When my mum and dad split I would have been happy to move 300miles away from him!!

NickyBat

soup wrote: »

BOYFRIEND. You must have been having an affair. Now look at the mess. Taking the kids away from their dad, school, home, friends, town is best for who?....... You and 'boyfriend' thats all.

That's a bit harsh and judgemental - we don't know that!

xtcc

I think you are doing the right thing for you and your children.
It won't be easy for your ex but things change and im sure he could move himself if he finds he needs to be near the children.

Kittendreich

You have to decide what will be best for you all as a family (kids, mum and dad) - the move will be hard on the kids & it will be expensive & difficult to maintain good contact with their dad, but an unhappy mum is no good either....

Something to consider is that it will only be a few year until the kids are more independant - can you not wait that long? You & your b/f can have a long distance relationship for a few years (difficult but no different to what you are expecting you kids to do with their dad), then once your kids are older and able to choose what will suit them and travel themselves you can make the move (having a longer term relationship with your b/f under your belt)?

Also consider whether your kids could stay with their dad & you could be the visiting parent? Then they stay in the area they want & you can move. Another difficult scenario, but there are no easy answers.

Hope you manage to work out something that works for all of you.

jetta_wales

soup wrote: »

BOYFRIEND. You must have been having an affair. Now look at the mess. Taking the kids away from their dad, school, home, friends, town is best for who?....... You and 'boyfriend' thats all.

What a ridiculous and childish assumption.

Back to the OP, I must admit that moving home after I parted was the best thing I've ever done, for all of us actually. However it was nowhere near the distance you're talking about.

Honestly I don't think anybody here can give you an answer it is all down to you, your ex and your children's feelings.

Talk about it with family and friends, talk to the kids about it, explain it to your ex and ask him to give some serious thought to if it could work because you're really struggling to be happy still living there.

Go with your head and your heart on this one not some random strangers who only know a small few cliff notes of the situation and as you can see above will sometimes think nothing of jumping to rash assumptions and judgments.

puddy

i think it is harsh to accuse mum of an affair or only putting her boyfriend first, but having thought about it...... if you split up in jan and your new boyfriend lives 300 miles away, presumably you met him recently during visits to your home town.

therefore, i wonder really how sustainable this relationship truely is when its so far been quite fleeting, with stressors like the end of your own marriage and the issues that your boyfriend is having with his own child concerning custody etc.

are you planning to live with this person? the children must have met him quite quickly, but have not known him for any length of time.

you need to think about what you are considering jumping into, a blended family is never easy, your children wont be the only kids in the household anymore, they will still be trying to work through the loss of their parents relationship and then entering into a process of transition again concerning household dynamics, schools, friends, step sibling, step father.

why the need to do this now?

CH27

Just some thoughts...........

You've only been split 5 months.

Your children see a lot of their dad.

Father/child relationships are very important.

You cannot know your new man very well after 5 months.
Why uproot your children for what could be a fleeting affair?

Why can you move your children away from their dad but boyfriend's child cannot be disrupted?

I think you are rushing headlong into a big mistake. I think you need to hang fire & see how the relationship pans out before moving.