am i doing the right thing??

redlady_1

You say he cant move because of his children yet you are prepared to up root yours and move. He is putting his child first and I would suggest you do the same with yours.

I expect you would still expect their father to pay for them even though he wasnt allowed to see them - because moving 300 miles away to somewhere that is difficult for him to get to is exactly that.

I can assure you that if you damage the relationship with their father it will come back to bite you on the backside at a later date. Why not give him custody if you want to move and then you do all the travelling as it is your choice?

I dont mean to sound harsh but I know the damage that can be done to children in this situation, no matter how much you think they are dealing with it.

jellytot79

Everyone seems to be picking up on the boyfriend! I would be wanting to move wether I was with him or not, his family don't live there the baby is 2 and they split over a year ago. My husband has known for years I wanted to move back but he didn't want to come.
Another thing to point out is that he we split he hasn't paid 1 penny towards them.

jellytot79

hasn't paid towards them since we split I meant, I pay all household bills and everything that concerns them, he pays zilch, and yes he does work

Hobo17

jellytot79 wrote: »

Everyone seems to be picking up on the boyfriend! I would be wanting to move wether I was with him or not, his family don't live there the baby is 2 and they split over a year ago. My husband has known for years I wanted to move back but he didn't want to come.
Another thing to point out is that he we split he hasn't paid 1 penny towards them.

Maintenance should be dealt with completely separately to his access to the children though. If you feel you need money for them (and there's no question that he should be contributing) then maybe you should look on the CSA calculator to see how much you would get based on his income and use that to start the discussion with him - or go via the CSA if needed.

balletshoes

jellytot79 wrote: »

Everyone seems to be picking up on the boyfriend! I would be wanting to move wether I was with him or not, his family don't live there the baby is 2 and they split over a year ago. My husband has known for years I wanted to move back but he didn't want to come.
Another thing to point out is that he we split he hasn't paid 1 penny towards them.

I didn't mention your boyfriend at all.
I just think, if your kids enjoy a good, frequent relationship with their Dad, that its worth trying to keep that going as long as possible. Changing from several times a week to once a month and over a weekend/in holidays would be a massive change, in my opinion.

jellytot79

hi,
this is kinda merged with my other post today as some people are reading both.
yes it is right that i want to move 300 miles away with the children, im not denying that which is why i mentioned the other post.
im not planning on moving in with my boyfriend, i want to be back in my hometown with my children and near my family.
i have tried many times for a house where i live now but as with everywhere it's very difficult, especially when the council see i have a joint tenancy with equal rights to the house.
my husband will never give it up as he is adamant he will buy it with the discount under the right to buy scheme as we have a large discount due to being in the house 14 years.
it would have made everything a lot easier for me and the kids if he had removed his name but he wont.
i can't afford private rent and have been to womens aid ect about the whole situation but keep getting the same answer, not to take my name off as im intentionally making myself homeless.
i live on an island i want to move to the mainland (scotland), there are no university's here and 1 college which offers limited courses.
my daughter really wants to move as she can see a future for herself there, she is only 14 but is very mature for her age.
it may seem selfish but all im trying to do is make a life and a future for myself and my children, i have spoken it over a great deal with family and friends.
ending a marriage is never easy and yes it is a bit of a mess right now but im trying to do the best i can and not just thinking about myself.

carolan78

That is why I said earlier on the limited information you provided and not knowing your family it is almost impossible to advise you. All we can do is give you our opinions which you should not base a decision as big as this on because only you know your children and situation. To be honest you should have left the boyfriend out of it from the start if you have no intention of living with him. All you have done is over complicated the situation for yourself.

I hope you come to a decision soon and it is right for your family, I would also do as another poster said and speak to the children's father about maintenance and if he doesn't comply go to the csa.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

My ex moved 275 miles away without mentioning it to me.

He came back every fortnight to pick out daughter up from school and got her back for ten to nine at the school gates every Monday morning.

All at his own cost.


Why is the OP expected to remain in a place with no social network or support? Or are non-resident parents the only ones to decide where they live?

This non-resident parent isn't even trying to object to the OP moving - and they were already aware that she wanted to move back home before they broke up, so if he did not want it to happen, surely he would have taken legal steps to prevent it by now?


The eldest, the one most likely to experience disruption to her education, is in favour of the move. A ten year old isn't of an age to decide for himself. He's a child. When he is 14, he will be in a position to be able to say whether he wants to move back to the original address. At that point, the eldest will be an adult.


By saying she must stay, you are in effect saying that a fully grown woman isn't allowed to make decisions about where she lives - it has to be the decision of a ten year old boy and her ex husband. If the situation were that her ex was moving and she wanted to stop him, the replies would be 'you can't' 'you mustn't' and 'of course he should be able to come and see the children when he wishes, as you can't stop an adult moving home'


As long as the OP does allow contact, I don't see there is a problem, especially as the OP's ex and the children's father doesn't seem to feel there is an issue here.

Blue_Monkey

xtcc wrote: »

This happens a lot people seem to avoid the original question.

You have family and friends in the area you want to move to, your children know the area well having visited it most of their lives,your oldest 14 is very keen to move and your youngest isn't 100% but he's only 10 so will soon adapt. Your ex isn't kicking and screaming and it sounds like he's reasonable and so are you. So you've moved on and got a new relationship, good for you seriously. Why do people have to read more into what's been written?

If you said im moving to a totally new area, where I know no one but my new boyfriend then thats a different subject!

I'd take peoples assumptions with a pinch of salt. Only you know all the ins and outs

On the face of it all, it doesn't seem like the "wrong" thing to do... though I guess whether it's the "right" thing to do is different...

In reality, I think only seeing Dad once a month is not enough. Not sure how you juggle this with 300 miles between you. Could you make sure the kids see him every other week (ie once a month they visit him plus once a month he visits them - ie every other week)? That would take a lot of effort and committment from all of you.

How do the kids feel about being away from Dad? How they feel about moving is one thing, but how they feel about being away from their Dad is another. How do they get on with the new boyf?

When my parents split when I was 7, my Dad moved into his mum (my grandma)'s house. We saw him every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and spent alternate weekends at his. He also called us EVERY day. Grandma's house was only 30 miles down the road and that broke my heart as it was.

Gosh, life gets complicated eh. I wish you all the best and FWIW, I think you are trying to do the best, it's just a tricky situation with no black or white... Good luck, BM x

Caroline_a

I moved 200 miles away from my ex when my 2 younger children were 15 and 9, and moved back to my home town. The 15 year old didnt want to come, but I laid the law down - there were no jobs where I was and no prospects for the children or for me. They both did really well once we moved - as did I job-wise - as there were far more opportunities for all of us. Yes, their father and I had to travel to manage the access, and he initially put me in court for residency which was expensive and difficult, but eventually we shared travel costs by both going half way and meeting up.

You have to weigh up what is best for everyone as a whole - had we stayed where we were the school academic standards were a lot lower (eldest daughter told me she would have ended up dropping out), and there were few jobs. I still am convinced I did the best thing for my children and myself.