am i doing the right thing??

jellytot79

hi,
i'll try to cut a long story short!
i married young (17) and was married 14 years, i have 2 kids to my husband aged 14 & 10. in october last year we both agreed it wasn't working out although it was more from my side, we agreed to split but to live together until after xmas, he moved out in january.
now that we have been split officially for around 5 months i feel like i want to move back to my home town which is about 30o miles away. al my family live there and also my new boyfriend, which the children have met and seem to get on well.
i have been taking my children there to visit family since they were born so they know the area well, the eldest is desperate to move but the youngest isn't 100% sure. the main reason i want to move is to be closer to family, also the town where i live now is quite small and my husband and his families hometown, i feel very isolated here and feel like everywhere i go his family and friends are looking and talking about me, i may be paranoid but you know how gossips can be.
my biggest thing is that i feel very guilty about taking my children away from there dad, they have a good relationship and see him a few times a week.
i have spoken to him about it and obviously he isn't that keen but doesn't seem to want to stop me either. i have said i will try to get the children to visit for a weekend a month and for holidays, i have also said he can come and stay to visit them anytime he wants.
does this seem fair? am i doing the right thing?

flutterby_lil

You have to put yourself and the children first - you are being very fair by saying you will try to get them to visit. If it will make you happier then do it. Come to some sort of compromise to both travel half way once a month to hand over the children, last friday of the month after school until sunday evening. Can't see any other way of doing it really as every other weekend might be too much, depends how much he wants to see them and vice versa.

Good luck, hope it works out well for you x

redlady_1

It may be your home town but it isnt your childrens. And personally, I think their needs should come before yours, and one doesnt want to go. They may get on with the boyfriend but he isnt dad and never will be. They are going to have to leave a parent and rarely see them...not a fun prospect when they see him so much. I would urge you to consider this very carefully. Why cant the new boyfriend move to be with you?

peachyprice

Personally, I couldn't do that to my children, or my ex for that matter. It would break his heart (again) if I tried to move our boys away from him, and it would break my boys heart too.

curlytop12

my opinion only

helping your children deal with the split and their father no longer living with them should be the absolute top priority.
it appears that by the fact you have been separated 5 months and your children have already met your new boyfriend,that you are putting your needs before theirs,if you are really honest,if the new man lived elswhere would you still want to move?
good luck in the future.

mummyroysof3

I was 9 when my mum moved with me and my younger sister 250 miles away from our dad, im afraid to say as its proberly not what you want to hear but i hated all the traveling and i was left out of things by my school friends as i wasnt there in the holidays. When i turned 14 i got a part time job and then felt guilty as i did then see much of my dad and my sister still went to visit without me and it put a strain on my mum as she couldnt then work as much in the holidays as we were with her. i have also seen that you have posted about having a job aranged and not anywhere to live. it just doesnt seem that it is going to work out at the moment really for you. i hope you can decide what to do for the best as it doesnt sound an easy situation either way.

onlyroz

Do you mean 30 miles or 300 miles?

jellytot79

thanks for your replies so far, my children are my first priority which is what is making the desicion hard.
my boyfriend cant move here as he has a baby son that he has joint custody of, part of the reason we split is because i was never happy here,i have no family here either.
i know it seems 5 months isn't long to be seperated before introducing kids to some one else.
they have both dealt with everything amazingly well, we have been very honest with them from the start and both said they saw it comming, its hard to explain, i thought for the last 5 years we were doing a pretty good job at playing happy families but kids know everything!!

jellytot79

oh and it's 300 miles, have to travel by plane or ferry to get here/there.

peachyprice

jellytot79 wrote: »

oh and it's 300 miles, have to travel by plane or ferry to get here/there.

Are you prepared to pay for the childrens ferry/plane tickets when they visit their dad? And will they travel alone or will you take them?

Incapuppy

jellytot79 wrote: »

oh and it's 300 miles, have to travel by plane or ferry to get here/there.

Will that not make it very difficult and costly to ensure that your children see their father once a month as you envisage if you do move?