At my wits end

getmore4less

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

You're right. 7 years is Inheritance Tax: if Mother's estate is over the IHT threshhold, then it's reduced by the value of any gifts she's made in the last 7 years of her life. On a sliding scale. But I think there's a limit to the value of those gifts, and it's less than the value of a house.

That's not how it works, a very common mistake people make.

getmore4less

I also think looking into day units is a good idea, my mum resisted at first, but once we go into the routine of once a week it worked and helped a lot we got most of a day off and she got looked after by different people which also helps.

They picked her up and brought her home, there was a doctor that assesed her medication each week(GP was useless) also trained staff that could help her understand the illness, also she was with others with similar issues so it reduced her feelings of why me.

We also suspected dimentia at one point, similar memory, confused state but is was menal instability due to the drugs, emotional state(loss of partner) and being a very scared person, since she knew she was dieing.


You need to get her checked there is something not right.

Mojisola

One thing - when you do get a visit from SS or your Carer's Assessment, be honest with them. Don't be worried about telling them that you're at the end of your tether and can't cope with the situation.

In my experience, while you seem to be "managing", even if that's a struggle, it can be quite hard to get extra help. You need to make it clear that you can't go on as you are.

I can't understand why the authorities seem to be so reluctant to help home carers. A small input into a family carer can mean that the status quo can be maintained - at very little cost to the LA - for a long time. Leaving family carers in isolation until they have a break-down results in the cared-for person needing much more paid-for care.

Lirin

Deam,

I've cared for someone before, and it's bloody hard work. You feel every emotion, from resentment at continually doing the same things, getting no thanks, and frustration that you can't do more, and anger at yourself for feeling bad when you do love them.
In my case, he forgot my name- had seemingly no memory of anything for the last few years- yet he could recall the past vividly. It was so frustrating to cope with that on top of anything else- yet you still do it. He was frequently violent- not terribly so, but enough to leave me in tears at times. You are trying to do everything for yourself, everything for them, and watch like a hawk as they've maybe switched gas on and wandered off.
We did have full help, but it was so hard at times. Other times, so rewarding. What you are both doing is fantastic, and I hope you do find all the help you need to make it a little easier.

CH27

Before you speak to Social Services/ GP etc write down everything that is bothering you.
That way you won't get sidetracked & f orget something important.

Savvy_Sue

getmore4less wrote: »

That's not how it works, a very common mistake people make.

I may not have worded it very well, but I am right in thinking that surviving 7 years after making a gift has an effect on how an estate over the limit for IHT is treated, aren't I? And that their value reduces if you don't survive the full 7 years?

Deam

Lirin wrote: »

Deam,

I've cared for someone before, and it's bloody hard work. You feel every emotion, from resentment at continually doing the same things, getting no thanks, and frustration that you can't do more, and anger at yourself for feeling bad when you do love them.

This is so true and I think where most of my guilt is coming from. I contacted the social work dept today and it all just came tumbling out and I went into meltdown. The girl was fantastic that I spoke to and said that she has a meeting next week regarding respite care for mum and says that she will be pushing for this as we are fdoing a good job and that there probably isnt a carer that hasn't shouted at some point. I still feel like poo tho. She also said she would look into what the financial situation with the house is but says at worst there would be a charge against it if we ever wanted to sell and that we can always appeal if that is the case.

Errata wrote: »

You're having a pretty difficult time. Could I suggest you ask a professional to teach you some coping skills so you can give your mum the help that's best for her, and for you, which will help to prevent you both getting upset. It's difficult, but remember - your mum isn't behaving this way because she wants to give you a hard time.

I know that she isn't doing this to give me a hard time, it doesn't make it any easier though. Normally I have extremely good coping skills and I am used to juggling a hectic work life with family responsibilities. I am actually a trained counsellor but funny how you loose all objectivity at a time like this

I ended up getting home from work 2 hours late due to my trains being cancelled and DH had ran a bath for me, he is making dinner as we speak and said that I am banished from caring for the evening as I think I am exhausted and he wants me to just take a step back tonight. I don't know what I would do without him

The dr prescribed antibiotics just in case there is a urinary infection but the one from a few days agi is negative.

Again. I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the kind words and caring

Deam x

Errata

I am actually a trained counsellor but funny how you loose all objectivity at a time like this

Of course, because you're emotionally involved. It would be odd if you were objective and pragmatic about the situation.

onetomany

just rember your doing a great job and your oh just take one day at a time thinking of u all xxxxxxxxx (i spend 30 mins with some of our users and feel worried/upset etc) i carnt imagine it being 24/7 keep up the good woek and take ur oh advice a long bath/film is in order x

getmore4less

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I may not have worded it very well, but I am right in thinking that surviving 7 years after making a gift has an effect on how an estate over the limit for IHT is treated, aren't I? And that their value reduces if you don't survive the full 7 years?

That is not correct.

The full value gets added to the estate if less than 7 years

Taper relief is on the tax and only kicks in if the gifts are over the nil rate band. Also the newest gifts get the relief not the oldest

http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/inheritancetax/how-to-value-estate/gifts.htm#4