At my wits end

McKneff

I am in agreement with all the prvious posters but forgive me for asking but is the flat in your mothers name.

Normally (at least in England) only the tenant on the rent book can take advantage of the council's right to buy scheme.

It may impact on things if she has to go into care.

Deam

Thanks again for the words of support

McKneff wrote: »

I am in agreement with all the prvious posters but forgive me for asking but is the flat in your mothers name.

Normally (at least in England) only the tenant on the rent book can take advantage of the council's right to buy scheme.

It may impact on things if she has to go into care.

The flat is in mum's name. We decided to leave it that way even after the morgage was paid 10 years ago. The reasons for that was to make sure that she always felt secure and that we weren't going to just dump her. That sounds bad but one of her cousins had the same thing done to her by her son and I swore that it would never hap[pen to her. She wanted to change it to our names but DH and I both said there was no need. I guess we never ever expected it to come to this which was rather naive I suppose. That alone raises all sorts of other issues as this is our home as well and has bee nsince we moved back here and all our spare money has gone into renovating and doing it up as it is our home also.

BitterAndTwisted

Your Mum cries because she is fully aware of what is happening to her. This must be very, very difficult indeed for her.

You shout at her because you are worried and stressed and now you feel guilty about it. This is very, very understandable.

I cannot imagine that anyone would flame you for disclosing what is happening to your family and how it is affecting all of you. I would have been at the end of my tether a long, long time before now.

I am worried about your housing situation and about who owns the property. Have a look on the Age UK website about what circumstances could mean that the property wouldn't be taken into consideration should you mother need full-time residential care.

I have every sympathy for your very difficult situation and wish all of you the very best.

McKneff

Take each day as it comes, she's your mum bless her. The reason I can empathise with you is that my younger brother was diagnosed with Alzheimers and it was really aggressive, within 18 mnths he was really gone with the fairies, he looked 90 years old the week before i went to see him becaus we knew the inevitable was going to happen, it was wonderful that for a full second he recognised me and then thelook was gone, he only lasted another week and he died. He was 52 years old. The time for his wife and 3 daughters was horrendous so like I say, you just have to remind yourself that she cant help it.

I wish you both the strength to cope with what is coming.

onetomany

i just want to send you a big hug op. im a home carer and i can assure you your feelings are normal. do ypu think your mum might be embaressed? i say this as i vist one lady who lives with her son who is fab but she plays up when it comes to personal car so we go in and do that and change her pads etc, also if i was you i would contact the immediate care team (thats what is called in england) and get a assessment , they can provided aids free of charge, also hun keep a eye on urine a uti in older people can make them very confuse and poorly if she hasnt improved soon get it retested, also can i suggest you make sure she has plenty of fluids, im not saying she dosent but it also can make them confused and leak urine i hope things pick up hunnie pm if you want to talk x
ps make sure u and ur oh take time out for yourself x

meritaten

hun, you sound a wonderful daughter and son-in-law! Don't beat yourself up about having shouted - my guess is it was more frustration and fear than real anger at your mum!
hasn't your gp heard of dementia or alzheimers? I wouldnt dare diagnose but it sounds to me as if she may be suffering from one or the other - the other possibility is dehydration. this can make even the sharpest oap behave out of character and cause symptoms like this.

I would contact Age Concern for advice and tell her GP youre worried about dementia - if he wont consider it ask for a second opinion.
Yes, do look into respite care - Caring is a 24/7 job and you ARE entitled to time off!
Most of all - You are not alone hun, many many people are caring full time - none of us are saints and you DO get frustrated, angry, depressed and downright tearful at times. Know that my thoughts and that of many others are with you - we understand so any time you want to post - go ahead and I for one will do my best to support you and your OH.
I am not up on all the practical and financial aspects these days - but many on here are and I would take their advice.

make_me_wise

Oh hun, I am certainly not going to flame you. I think you deserve a massive (((HUG))) and a shoulder to cry on.

By the sounds of it you have been coping under unbearable pressure trying to care for someone who you love deeply. Not only is there the issue of meeting all your mums care needs but also the emotional strain of seeing a lady who has always been so independant reduced to being incontinent and having to wear nappies.

I think when you shout its just you trying to release alot of the upset and anxiety you feel for your mum. Dont beat yourself up about it. I really hope that by involving social services they will help as much as they can and that you might get some respite.

Take care hun.

Savvy_Sue

I'm another who won't flame you, goodness knows you wouldn't get my DH caring for his MIL! However, you say:

She refuses to have carers in which is why we ended up with DH giving up work.

Sometimes, there comes a time when you have to say "tough mum, not your decision any more. DH and I can't manage everything any more, we ARE going to get some help with this."

What the help might be could vary: my Mum now lives alone and continues to use a very good day centre which she and Dad used to go to regularly. As well as having a meal provided, she can get her hair done there, and it means she has some company. I'm sure there would be other services available away from the house, like help with bathing if she needed that.

My FIL is beginning to lose the plot, and I wish MIL would look into similar services in their area. I know FIL won't want 'carers' coming in, and he wouldn't want to use any outside services either, but the time may come when it's just too much for MIL.

Sublime_2

Hello Deam, I've got nothing concrete to add, except that you and your husband are wonderful caring people. Not many people could have coped so admirably.

Things have got to the stage now, where you need some extra outside help. No shame in that. I hope you manage to get what you need, so that you can all have a decent quality of life again. Your mum, is lucky to have such a wonderful caring daughter.

Mojisola

Has anyone mentioned that you and your OH are entitled to have a Carer's Assessment? That should look at your needs and should also include an emergency plan for what would happen to your Mum if you were suddenly unable to care for her.

There should also be a local Carer's Support group where your OH could share experiences and get good advice from people coping with the same problems.