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aliasojo

Thanks all.

Lunar_Eclipse

balletshoes wrote: »

seeing Mum cry a lot and be so anxious over the situation, I don't think can have helped her with her own anxiety?

I know how hard this is for you Aliasojo, but please try your very hardest not to show further personal distress in front of your daughter. I can only imagine your daughter's anxiety issues are incredibly severe if you are already planning counselling so shortly after hearing this relocation news. I really feel for you both.

I have 11 and 9 year old daughters. They are confident and outgoing, non-anxious individuals, yet I know they would be very concerned and worried about a relocation if they saw me crying for two days. They'd be thinking it could only be a very bad thing that lay ahead of them. And I'm an emotional mum (anything on TV sets me off!)

Your daughter is looking to you (& your husband probably to a lesser degree) to tell her that life is basically going to carry on similar to how it does now and that this move/change is not a negative life experience (because it isn't.) Most importantly, the move is not forever (or even finalised yet?) It's temporary.

The last thing I want to do is upset you Aliasojo. Perhaps I'm over reacting, but looking at it through the eyes of my own children, I just think your reaction can only be exacerbating her anxiety issues tremendously, unless you always cry a lot!;)

Chin up.:D

Lunar_Eclipse

Oh, forgot to say that I moved a lot as a child. At the age of 2 within the UK (don't remember that, but was removed from all grandparents who we lived with and looked after me whilst parents worked, so not insignificant) and then ages 4, 7 and 8 to different countries overseas. Returned to the UK at 13, changed schools and areas again at 14 and 15.

It was never a good or a bad thing. It was just what we did. Normal. I adapted and loved the exposure to different cultures and all the countries we visited. Life was full of adventure and exciting, compared to the settled life my own children are living.

Have lived in the same house for 8 years now and have been desperate to move for about 4 of those! Really don't see the attraction of staying in the same place, I love adventure ... can you tell?!

cazziebo

Just typed out a long reply and lost it -grrr! Apologies if this appears twice!

I went to 12 schools so moved a lot. I think it made me more adaptable, sociable and self reliant than many of my peers. Although I did hate always being "the new girl" - the novelty wears off.

I lived in a small village for 13 years and now live not far from where you're going. I decided to relocate because of work when my dds were 9 and 12. I bought the house in June but it had a long entry date so couldn't move until September. The schools were great and arranged for the girls to come in for a visit before they broke up for the summer. They commuted with me from August until we moved.

Everything went fine. The older one took a bit longer to settle in but did brilliantly. There is so much more for teens to do here. The younger one was going from a small primary of composite classes to a school where most years had two classes. The school was also much more socially mixed. She loved it from day one.

It was probably easier for me in lots of ways. It was my job, my decision (single parent). Because I'd been working there for a year or so, I already had a network of friends and activities in the area. I think it might have been different if I'd been the partner. Nearly all my friends from before I'd known since toddlers - no idea how you meet non work people when your kids are older!

Look on it as a fantastic opportunity. So much to discover. There's loads to do in the area. Easy access to Glasgow or Edinburgh. You have such a variety of choice - busy town, mid size or small village or completely rural.

(I'm currently consideing a fabulous job which would mean another move. Both DDs are almost independent; one's just about to go work in New York, the other in Australia so no excuse there. I just don't know that I could leave the Ochils and Trossachs behind.....!)

do not envy you the packing though!

rachbc

I don't think anyone has berated you! Apolgies if it as felt that way.

If you have no support network where you are it really does sound like this move could be really positive you you - fresh ground on which to build a new support network for both you and your daughter. So rather than feel bad about what this mov means to her why not feel good at the new opportunities it can bring...

dumpy

Hi :hello:

I was the world worst worrier and still don't like change.

I think for me, its the expectation that worries me, my imagination creates things that make any issue huge!! When in fact the reality isn't that bad and can actually be good!

I did move around a bit as a child and I was always nervous about joining new schools, I can remember the dread of joining my secondary school (having moved in primary, I made new friends which promptly went to another school!) but it was fine.

In fact I think that having to move has helped my anxiety in the long term. If I'd been able to stay safe in one place I think I would have become more and more dependant on that place and I wouldn't have done all the things I have ended up doing.

Having to do things has helped, yes I'm still terribly worried about change, but I know I can cope because I have done so before.

Good luck.

D

dumpy

aliasojo wrote: »

I think this is a very valid and important point and one which I am trying to keep focused on.

I do believe if we can get daughter past the initial unsettled phase, she will benefit in the long term.

Glad it helped :j

I've never lost the anxious feeling, but I KNOW I can cope, becasue I have in the past. Doing the first few changes whilst still in the family with support made the changes I had to make on my own at 18 much, much easier.

Chakani

I am a SAHM and have had two major relocations in the past 3 years, one with a tiny baby to the other side of the country, 5 hours from family, and 4 hours from my nearest friend, the second again a good couple of hours away, this time with a toddler, and again a long way (still 5 hours) from friends and family.

I do understand the trepidation you are feeling - it is a very hard thing to do, especially if you are at home with the children all day, so there isn't an automatic introduction to new workmates, which your DH will get, so he won't have such a fight to settle.

The one thing I would advise from my experiences is to get involved with something immediately you are there. And I do mean the first week. It doesn't matter what - volunteer, go to a nightclass, or a sports class, or join the rambling club, or the rugby club or the WI - whatever. And the more you don't want to, the more you need to push yourself. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to do, and the more isolated you will end up feeling. I know you are a carer for your son, so it must be hard to get time for yourself, but that makes it doubly important.

The more people you meet, the quicker you will find one person you "click" with and have a lot in common with - who you will meet lots of other friends through.

The first move, it took me 6 months to start making a real effort to make friends, and while I do have a couple of lovely friends in that area, I felt very lonely, and sitting at home waiting for OH to get home from work, just so that I had someone to talk to wasn't good for my mental health, or for our relationship.

With the second move, I tried much harder, and have done lots more. There are lots of people I now know here who I can chat to in the street, or have a cup of tea with at toddlers (my children are still small) quite happily, and I like them, but we don't have enough in common to be called friends really. But once I met one person who was settled in the area who I really got on with, I was introduced to lots of others through her. Now I have a lovely circle of friends, but it took a huge effort in the first place.

We have now been in the second place for the same amount of time as we were in the first, and instead of two friends, I have dozens - the only difference is that my attitude was much more positive, and I forced myself to try really hard.

If you can make yourself do that, it will be a really positive role model for your daughter - especially as she clearly knows you're not looking forward to the move. She might even think (and you can, of course, encourage her) "well, if Mum can do it, so can I!"

lostinrates

aliasojo wrote: »

Perhaps berated wasn't the best word to use? No apologies needed, I do realise people (in the main) aren't trying to be unkind in any way, I just felt it wasn't helpful for the focus to be on something that has happened and not still is happening, iyswim.

Anyway, yes, you are right in that there could be a lot of positives in the move too, which we are obviously talking to daughter about.

I think you are coping under stress very well and with dignity rarely seen on forums, and for that you deserve utmost respect. If that's a reflection of your normal behaviour I don't think anything that's happened can be too far wrong. I understand why you felt ''berrated'' depsite not thinking you were and agree its more helpful to focus on what to do now.

I hope my comments didn't upset you I think you are right to focus on now/future not past and fwiw I genuinely wanted to convey that.

Also, worth noting, is that you had HUGE emotional upheaval during that 48 hours., first thinking your husband might have lost employment entirely. I'm not a parent but if I were I don't think I'd raise it unless your daughter did, but if she did I'd point out that fear was greater than the one of moving and that it made you feel a little vulnerable so you were just generally ''upset'' and now that you've looked into it you see more and more positive. Its truthful (I think ) its positive and it shows her a goo coping mechanism when under stress too!

Again, I think your restraint when feeling vulnerable is commendable.

Spendless

I moved house aged 11 at the end of yr 6, albeit to only 4 miles down the road, but I didn't know/realise that at that age. I very much remember it as moving to somewhere rather than away from somewhere. In my case, my parents were buying a new build, and we were taking regularly to see the progression of the place, and have photos of it. I perhaps was helped by the fact that my BF from Primary school and had moved to Scotland a year earlier, and I hadn't really made another, and my BF at home went to a different school, so wasn't affected by missing someone I saw all day at school and afterwards.

Where I do feel my parents slipped up, is in not researching the schools of the area properly. My mum thought I'd go to the Secondary school in the area we were moving to, not realising that the area had an 8-12 middle school system in place and I did a year at middle school before changing to the secondary the following year. I don't feel 2 consecutive years of changing schools were helpful to me settling and felt it had a knock on effect of my education later on. My parents couldn't help what the school system was, but if I'd at least known what to expect, I think that would have been helpful.