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aliasojo

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lostinrates

aliasojo, I don't have children, but as a child my parents had to relocate often for work. The longest I spent any where was 3 years. At 8 I came to uk to go to school, then moved school a few times to get a good fit.

Yes it impacted on my personality...I learned to be more adaptable than I am by nature, and how to put on a friendly face when I'm scared in new places. I STILL don't like change, but I've learned its part of my life.

This has the potential to be a superb opportunity for her....and for you all.:)

shy-but-need-help

When we moved our main concern was for our 2nd oldest- he has ASD and a very anxious personality, however it turned out to be the best thing we could have done for him specifically- he'd struggled to find friends at his old school but his new school had a much greater support for special needs students and therefore the entire student body was/is alot more aware & supportive of SN students and he found friends

It was definitely the better choice for us to bite the bullet and move, our kids were comfortable and secure in our former situation but familiar isn't always best. Yes they had to adapt, our middle daughter really missed some friends but ultimately it was the better thing for us as a whole family.

Can you research activities/groups/community initiatives where you'll be moving to so that you'll have some outlets for her to dive right into to keep busy, find friends and make it feel a bit more like home? (ours had wanted to take up dance so we found a dance school for them which was a new opportunity they'd not had before so automatically a positive for the new home in their heads)

FBaby

I've just moved with my 11 yo and 8 yo. We have always lived in the same houe before, they went to the same school, and were very happy. When they first found out, my 11yo especially was quite upset, and on a number of occasion burst into tears in class. Her teacher was great then, but I felt terrible. Surprisingly, my son, although less confident seemed less bothered by it. In the end, what helped us is that there were 6 months before the time it was announced to the time it happened, so really, what helped most was time to adjust to the idea.

We have now moved last January, and they've adapted brilliantly (they also had to get used to living with my new partner). They haven't changed schools yet, I take them to their old school every day (a pain in the bum!). My 11yo is starting to talk about her new school and getting again a bit anxious about it because things are starting to happen in her class about the move involving visits to secondary schools, representative coming to talk about their school etc... and she feels left out as noone from her school will attend her new one in September. We discussed it, she has one friend who will be going to private school where she will be on her own too, so it helps her to know she won't be the only one. I also try to focus on the positive, the excitment of new things.

Really, all there is to do is reassure them that time will help and be there to listen to them and take their feelings seriously. In a way, it is a very good experience and in a way, i am a bit reassured myself that they are going through it now as it is bound to happen at some stage and I think children cope better when they are younger. Good luck to your daughter, hope it won't be too long until she feels at home again in her new surroundings.

balletshoes

Great thread aliasojo - I know there are other worries for you in moving so far away from "home", but this particular isse would be the only one I'd be concerned about, how my DD would cope with it (I've moved house 7 times as an adult, not including the time I spent living abroad, so moving is something I've pretty much got sussed by now ).

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

DD missed our old place (well, the number of people she knew within walking distance) and felt a bit lonely being the last one left on the bus after everyone else got off.

But after about two months, she had got to know other people living in the area that were in her classes, got shown around by them (so she knows loads of cut throughs and alternative routes), had a whole bunch of mates and she is now happier here than at any time at Primary school. She sees very few of the people she was at primary with - although they are at the school, it is very large and has a house system where it's run like 5 smaller schools within the premises, so she has very little to do with them.

For her birthday, I am apparently paying for 7 kids to go to the cinema with her, plus junk food afterwards _pale_

Making her room her own has been the key - although that does apparently mean keeping it as a pit, as well as her choosing really vibrant coloured bedlinen.

Kittendreich

There is no way to tell, but you being positive about the move (as the others above have suggested) is vital. All kids (and parents) react differently to a move, but as you have no choice but to move positivity is the way to go.

I moved first when I was 6, then again, twice, when I was 8 (going to 4 different schools at opposite ends of the country). I didn't know at that age that everybody else didn't do so too - I was almost an adult before I realised that some people actually live the the same place all through their childhood! It was difficult at times, but I am possibly more adaptable and self-reliant that I might have otherwise have been. My brother is 3 years older than me and found it more difficult, but then he is more shy then me - so his school years were quite difficult, but there is no way of knowing if that would have happened anywhere... He blossomed when he moved away himself to go to university and as a adult he is a lovely man with a nice wife, good job etc - so in the long run it was fine and my parents had no choice as they had to follow the work.

Hope all goes well with your daughter. Try not to build it up too much (although that will be hard). Can you visit the place you are going and tie into her new school so she can meet some pupils and teachers so it is more familiar when she starts?

DianneB

When my daughter was 7 (now 16) we moved house and she had to change school, she was in a school regarded as the best in the area with a very good ofsted and a long waiting list. Tbh it was a bit snobby as people there felt a bit 'chosen' and smug, she was very scared about the move. Our move was delayed so she didn't start in sept as planned but after the autumn half term. It was the best thing we ever did!! when she turned up on the first day she was greeted with smiles and hello's and "hello here's ****, we've been waiting for you, we have your books already". The rest of the class knew she was coming as her peg and homework bag were waiting and there was a seat for her, she skipped out of school that day with a big smile and never looked back at her old school, within days she had friends round and we both felt welcome. Basically I think it depends as much on the school as the child. Good luck with all aspects of your move.

grey_lady

I'm not suprised she's anxious about the move if you've shown her how much you are dreading it by crying in front of her so much about it.

lostinrates

aliasojo wrote: »

I think it would be much worse if my daughter saw us all being positive whilst she was the only one who seemed upset.

I thinkk you are right. And also, there is nthing you can do about having been seen being upset. so ignore this and move on

Your daughter knows its a bit scary for you all, and now you can show her how to handle the fear, by being positive, supportive, loving towards each other and proactive.

I think you are being brave...it is a big change, but you CAN do it, and so can she

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I did express to DD that I was worried whether I was doing the right thing, and was honest that I found it hard to get used to the new house. We needed to move for medical reasons, and had to take the first available that was vaguely suitable, rather than wait for the perfect place.

I think she felt less alone then, as once she knew they were natural feelings, at least she didn't have to bottle her own up.

Even on the darkest days, I did say that there are still so many advantages, which she also acknowledged. Even just a couple of days ago, she asked if I thought she was more relaxed now we aren't in our old place. I agreed that she does appear to be. Which was the right answer, apparently


Things aren't always black and white good or bad - for a child to learn this is important, and it also shows that despite difficult things happening, good things can still come of them.


Talking to her and saying that, whilst you were upset to be moving as you like where you are, you are still a bit scared but getting a little bit excited at the adventure it is going to be, now you've had some time to get used to the idea, might help. Like you are doing, really. Maybe even looking out for paint charts and the like so she can plan her new bedroom design and colours.


You'll all be OK.