Relationship Breakdown.

stenny_2

I'm in a right old mess today.

Not your average breakdown on MSE as we are a gay couple, so please no biassed comments, my head is thick enough.

Im in my late thirties, OH late 40's,
this is our 7th year together and I moved in with him at the early stage of the relationship,

We have really been living in each others pockets all this time,
no social life apart from the odd once every three months or so at a pub/club.

He is not open with his sexuality, his brothers stay not so far away, and also his step-son, so on visits i have to hide away including aswering the telephone of any incoming calls which has lead to all our bickering.
It has been going on so long now that the bickering is virtually on a daily basis.
i lost all contact with friends due to this, (although i am open and in contact with all my own family and we all get along fine).

I left once before, and after talking it through he said he would sort it out, but it always went back into the same old routines , fact is, he'll never open up and this has lead the relationship to end and i'm moving out on Friday.


Now xmas is around the corner i have never felt so low, presents scattered around etc etc...
i still dearly love him and i beleive he feels the same way but i can't carry on any further.

Now it's back to square one of starting afresh, wer do i start!

moneyman4u

Oh Stenny you poor old thing, I have no advice to offer, but let me be the first to send you a big hug.

vickitoria100

Poor you...

I am not sure which kind of advice you're looking for; advice on how to try and get it to work or advice on how to leave and leave for good?

Maybe having a break would be the best thing? In the past, I've had a relationship where the partner and I loved each other yet he (and possibly me?!) could not change and after a while of being loved up again (and again... and again...) he would revert back to his old ways (again... and again... and again...). That would usually be the point where I would call time on the relationship as it was obvious it wasn't working and was futile to continue. However, rather than the dreaded 'break up', i told him I wanted a break. This makes it easier in that you aren't completely cutting loose of someone you love, yet you both get breathing space and time to reflect, go out and try and meet new people, regain your independence a bit. After a while, you soon gain a new perspective and realise whether or not you could contemplate being without that person for the rest of your life. Usually, in my experience, it's a yes if it has got to that stage. Finally, with this in mind, it makes it a lot easier to cut loose.

Something else likely would be that your partner would realise what he's missing and i know he's said it before, but it's easier to promise to change rather than actually doing it. But he must realise that he is your PARTNER, you are equals and it is not fair for you to be always on your guard. That's not what a relationship is, Stenny. Perhaps I could be as bold to suggest that he isn't really ready for a fully fledged gay relationship if he is willing to continue living a lie to his son etc. In a way, he is being unfair to himself too and when you're in that state in your own head, it's not right to drag someone into that, especially someone who is being so open with thier family.

So.... what i suggest is that you've had another arguement, let it cool off for a bit. Then, calmly sit down with him and discuss what I've said above. You can't force someone to 'come out' but you can suggest that it's not healthy and that you're not prepared to be with him like this and that you think it would be best to move out for a while and have a break. Then, try not to worry about him but concentrate on yourself. You say you're still close to your family, why not try and go out with a brother or another family member and get introduced to their friends? And your old friends, is it possible you could contact them with the old 'long time no speak, why don't we catch up' line? If you fell out over losing touch with them, most people, if they really care about you will be willing to live and let live, I'm sure. True friends would anyway. If not, there are hundreds of ways to make new friends. Join a club and meet people with common interests? What about work collegues? There's always Christmas parties with them you could arrange and with a few drinks inside you all, I'm sure you'd break the ice!

Take care Stenny, the worst part - admitting there's a problem - is over with and if i were you, I'd feel a sense of relief that you've talked to someone. Look forward to a family Christmas and I hope that 2007 brings you love, luck and happiness.

Gabriel-Ernest

I'm sorry you're going through this. If you're sure he won't change and the problems will remain, then I think you have to bite the bullet and look at moving out, realistically.

lynnemcf

I've got no advice, just wanted to say how sorry I am for your "right old mess".

vickitoria100

Try this post http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=209419

EthelBloggs

No advice really.. make sure you've got somewhere to stay, enough money to live on and all that and for the rest.. you're just gonna need some time to heal and move on. Bigg hugggggggggggerooonies to help you along

notakid

I'm really sorry to hear this 7 years is along time. Is this the only problem you have with the relationship? Otherwise is it fine? Do you love him?

It’s not your problem; he obviously can't come to terms with his own sexuality. I've had friends the same, one I strongly suspected would have been a "gay basher" if he hadn't been gay himself. Don't see it as a rejection of you as you have been together for seven years so he must love you he just doesn't love himself.
I think the previous posters are right sit down and talk when things are calmer. And how about relate?

Contact your old friends, start going out, see if you have been missing out. If you have, you know the answer.

stenny_2

Thanx for your comments,

I would love the advice of how to get it to work, this is what i do want, but it never will.

I am 100% possative he will remain in the 'closet' absolutely!

We have a bond that no other couple has, we do everthing together, this is why it's so hard to let go.

We also tried the option of moving away but as i said it's only running away from 'his' problem rather than face it head on.
Fact is , they would still turn up or ring at some stage anyway.

Tried the break's twice, it went back to the again....again.... again stage.

The hardest part it getting my feet over the doorstep and facing xmas alone and sad.
Then i'll have to relocate back home then find a new job, house etc etc

Sorry, mind is a wreck.

Mics_chick

Really sorry this has happened Stenny especially as it's very difficult at this time of year.

Can you spend Xmas with your family so that you're not on your own over the holiday period?

Have you been able to be completely open and honest with your partner about how you feel? Because even if he's not willing to talk about it then you could at least have your say before you leave. Something short and to the point like "I still have feelings for you and I'm sure that you still do as well but I'm leaving because I can't put up with the creeping around anymore and the way that means I have to lead my life. I just wanted you to know how I feel and I hope you're able to work things out for yourself." I know these are my words but this is how your post comes across to me. If nothing else it will let you have your final say and hopefully bring some closure for you (especially if he listens to you - even if he doesn't reply). It's just that I feel if you're leaving for the 2nd time that should be the last - if you've gone back once and things haven't changed then they are unlikely to do anytime soon.

Good luck for the future, MC

notakid

stenny wrote:

Thanx for your comments,

I would love the advice of how to get it to work, this is what i do want, but it never will.

I am 100% possative he will remain in the 'closet' absolutely!

We have a bond that no other couple has, we do everthing together, this is why it's so hard to let go.



Hi Stenny
Well you love him don't you. This is just an example but just to let you know.
My husband has a drink problem and I was going to divorce him and had the papers ready and could just afford to do it. But when it came to the crunch I realised I still loved him dispite his drink problem and we have stayed together. He still drinks but not the amount he did. (I don't really like talking about it cos its tempting fate) That was nine months ago.
If in every other way he makes you happy then think on it. Because that is what love is isn't it? Even when that person does something/or is something we don't like we still love them.
Good luck whatever you decide.