BF wants to clear my debt...

I_was_a_fool

Willsnarf1983 wrote:

the thing i have with this is whether people would be giving the same advice if it was a woman offering to be paying of the blokes debt

i somewhat suspect people would be alot more cautious...or am i to synacle (sp)

Will

I think the advice would be exactly the same. Ditto if regarding two women or two men, this is not a gender issue. If two people are entering into a permanent partnership agreement, their finances should become joint & looked at together rather than in isolation, for the good of both of them. That is what partnership is all about.

Sharon

Brassic

Have I had 1 too many wines here (or am I just incredibly naive)? Why would folks be more cynical if it were the other way round?

I_was_a_fool

Brassic wrote:

Have I had 1 too many wines here (or am I just incredibly naive)? Why would folks be more cynical if it were the other way round?

Have some more wine :rotfl:

Most folk would not!

Sharon

lady_fuschia

Hi,

If you look through the board here at some of the couples who are both in debt, often the debt was run up seperately before they got together, and one partner had greater debts than the other. But once people are in a long term relationship/ married they do seem to talk about "our" debts- they work together to pay them off with both of them knocking off the high interest ones first, regardless of who ran up the money- I don't think this is really much different.

If you're planning on making a life together, particularly if you're going to have kids, you being in debt and paying interest on it is going to affect him as much as it does you, really. He's not just bailing you out, he's saving both of you the long term interest you could be spending on housy/ wedding stuff.

So I say let him. (And if not, would he be interested in paying off my debts?!)

Lara44

Kevicho's idea is great - why not do an soa together and you can look at what you have free to save, then you can save together.

Or else you could get him to match what you save to reply the debt?

Good luck

Silverstar

Why not let him pay off the debt, saving you all that interest and worry, and then put whatever money you would normally pay towards your debts every month into a savings account, which you can then eventually spend on either something for him, as a thank you, or something for the two of you, like a holiday of a lifetime, that you've paid for entirely. That way, you're still paying off your debts, but without the stress, and I'm sure that if he loves you, what he really wants is to save you all the worry and stress that comes with having debts.

I know what you mean about not feeling that you contribute enough when there is a big difference in wealth between you and your partner. I'm in a similar position in the sense that my boyfriend, who I live with, earns something along the lines of seven times my salary. He's lovely, and very generous, and I'm very lucky because, despite my debts, I am able to live in a beautiful four bedroom house for a minimum rent, and drive his fabulous car which I don't contribute a penny for and so on, but at the same time, I end up feeling guilty because I don't contribute as much, and I can't afford to buy him nice things a lot, and I sometimes find myself feeling less important in the relationship because of the financial aspect.

What I try to do (not always successfully, I admit) is look at it proportionally. He might earn and pay out a lot more than I do, but as a proportion of our earnings, we're a lot more similar than that. I cook and do the shopping and so on, which he doesn't do, so that's also a contribution. I buy him things that I can afford to buy him, and I'll save up to buy him things he really wants for birthdays and Christmas and so on. And if our earning power was more equal, our contributions would be more equal. He's happy with the financial aspect of things (apart from the fact that he'd obviously be happier if I didn't have debts), so thre's no reason I shouldn't be. And I'm sure your fiance feels the same way about you and your relationship.

RibenaBerry_2

I say go for it. I think that I would feel differently if you had not been together long or were not engaged. However, when you agree to spend your life with someone, you are entering into a partnership.

I don't know what religion/non-religion you are, but in the CofE service you say "With my body I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you". Other religions say similar things. It means that, from that moment on, everything is joint. To me, that was an extremely important moment. My husband and I are a team, in the eyes of everyone at the service and society as a whole. This is the type of committment that you are planning, a sharing of everything. You might not bring money to partnership, but you will bring other qualities which are just as valuable.

Try not to allow the materialistic views of others to cloud your perception. What is most important is that you as a couple have the best start to your marriage possible, not other people's focus on money.

BTW- I'm not knocking people who choose to live together instead. That can be just as committed. However, given the OP's situation, I thought that the marriage aspect was important.

biglad

My situation is a little like the original poster. My GF doesnt have any debts as we both paid off her credit card and its just mine which is quite frankly a mess lol. Anyhow we are moving into our first house in january and i am going to have around £100 for the month after ive paid payplan etc. Some months i cant afford to contribute to the shopping due to other expenses, but she just says "dont worry its our money" and she is going to help me get my debts down quicker so we can be completely debt free. as she earns more than i do

the main point is, when you someone loves you they will do whatever to help you they can. let him do it as then the money u would have paid on debts can go to homely stuff

show him this thread to show your feelings though

tobedifferent

Thanks so much for all your replies.

I have had a chat with my OH and showed him what I posted and what you have all replied. He has been reminding me of all the things I did to support him when he was going through a crisis and I supported him emotionally.

He said he just wants me to be happy as when I'm happy he's happy. It does not make him happy to see me exhausting myself working an extra 30 hours a week on top of my full time job. We also worked out that by clearing my debt by next June at the latest I will reduce the total amount I will pay back by nearly £6,000 :eek: thats around a 20% saving thats a lot of money. I could pay that £6K to the banks as interest or save it and earn interest for us. Save it whilst saving extra money for us and earning interest on it.

He also told me (nicely) that i'm too stubborn sometimes and need to accept support from people that love me and I've proved my point having cleared around £12K of debt in the last 2 years. Last Christmas I was in a nasty multi-vehicle pile-up caused by a drunk driver. I broke my sternum, 5 ribs and my nose (cos I hit the airbag so hard - and it was a miracle it actually still worked in a car that old!) My car may have been 11 years old but it had been owned by my brothers mother in-law, my sister in laws sister, then my brother, then me, it was perfect body work, immaculate and had a full service history with no work ever needing to be done other than routine replacements. I got £200 for the vehicle because they only look at the expected value of a car that age, and the injury claim is still ongoing. But I felt that it was my responsibility and I should deal with it and not expect 'handouts.' Luckily I was so ill that my Dad had brought me a car, for which I am paying him back at £100 a month, interest free, before I had a chance to really throw myself at sharks like Yes or Welcome Finance. I am lucky but that does not mean I should turn it down. I don't need to go into debt pergatory to attone for my sins!

RibenaBerry hes an Irish Catholic and i'm an English Catholic of Irish descent (I hold dual nationality), we're not yet married but as we will be we consider mostthings as ours rather than mine or his.

So I'm on a real debt free countdown, i will update my sig very soon and I will keep on the way I have been, being frugal where I can but still enjoying life. I feel a lot more motivated now and and will be throwing more of my ebay pile on and all the other bits and pieces!

Debt free in 2007 - I like the sound of that.

Thank you,

TBD
xx

P.S. If I was in a parallel universive where I had not met the man for me I think it would be you SS! You're a superstar!

southernscouser

tobedifferent wrote:

P.S. If I was in a parallel universive where I had not met the man for me I think it would be you SS! You're a superstar!

I think there is a compliment in there somewhere! :rotfl: