advice needed on asking husband to leave

themull1

My husband has just left me and the kids, been together 13 years, after the initial shock etc, best thing that ever happened.!!

lost_soul_78

My thoughts are with you. I have been married 5 yrs 3 children 2 with my husband. I don't like my husband, don't fancy him, have nothing in commen.
A lot has shifted in our relationship,which is to be expected.

My youngest are nearly 3 and 4, I have a job I can walk near enough straight back into,but hubby has veoted it.

Sometimetimes I think some moves that are benificial to me and my children would cost me my marriage,which does not bother me.

But I find it so hard to make the final break,as my husband guilt trips me. My eldest father doesn't really care but she still see's his parents at least once a week(she is 15).Because I think its
important to have a close bond to your family

I am just really curious is it better to stay or leave?

You do also have to think after 6 months it could be baby blues, have a chat with your gp and see what he/she thinks

catkins

kelloggs36 wrote: »

Whilst I would never suggest that people stay if they really hate their partners, it seems that we live in too much of a throw away society - if we are unhappy then we just give up and move on to a new partner. Years ago, this was not the norm - of course there were many more unhappy marriages than now, but people at least tried to make it work before giving up. Marriage is to be worked at - it won't all be easy living; there will be tough times but there will also be good times. If you think that giving up is the option, then why get married in the first place? Why not just live together? Marriage is supposed to be for life - unless violence or mental abuse is involved, then I strongly believe that people should try much harder before throwing in the towel! That is from one who has once been divorced and has learned some hard lessons in life.

I so agree with this post. I would never ever say, or think, that someone should stay in an abusive relationship or if desperately unhappy but couples do tend to "give up" easily now.

I have been married for 31 years and am still very much in love with OH and, on the whole, we get on great - we are best friends as well as husband and wife BUT we have not had a wonderful happy 31 years! Like most couples we have had bad patches - lack of money, losing jobs, I suffer bad depression and we lived abroad for several years most of which I hated and that was not a good time at all. I know there have been times when I have not loved or even liked OH much and I am sure that he has felt the same! We did even talk about splitting a couple of times - there was no reason not to as we do not have children but neither of us wanted to give up on our marriage. We are both big believers in marriage, believing our vow "till death do us part" although of course if things had been really bad we would have split.

I know couples who have hit a rough patch and just called it a day. Ok I know I obviously only knew about the things they told me so there could have been other problems such as abuse (although I seriously doubt it) but so many friends, relatives, work colleagues have split that it is hard to believe they were all for serious reasons. I have known people who openly say before they even get married "oh if it doesn't work it's easy enough to get divorced".

I recently went to a work reunion and met up with people I have not seen for 11 years. Bearing in mind that most of them were not even married when I last saw them (almost all of them are a lot younger than me!) and ones that were married had only been for maybe 1 or 2 years, out of 30 people 18 were divorced!

The divorce rate is very high in this country - the majority of my friends, relatives and work mates are divorced (some more than once) and it's sad especially if children are involved. I am sure some children cope well with their parents divorcing but an awful lot do not as I have seen only too well.

puddy

lost_soul_78 wrote: »

My thoughts are with you. I have been married 5 yrs 3 children 2 with my husband. I don't like my husband, don't fancy him, have nothing in commen.
A lot has shifted in our relationship,which is to be expected.

My youngest are nearly 3 and 4, I have a job I can walk near enough straight back into,but hubby has veoted it.

Sometimetimes I think some moves that are benificial to me and my children would cost me my marriage,which does not bother me.

But I find it so hard to make the final break,as my husband guilt trips me. My eldest father doesn't really care but she still see's his parents at least once a week(she is 15).Because I think its
important to have a close bond to your family

I am just really curious is it better to stay or leave?

You do also have to think after 6 months it could be baby blues, have a chat with your gp and see what he/she thinks

and would you not think of going to relate to try to resolve some of the things that make you feel you have nothing in common, that would then bring you closer togther as a couple?

xxanon

I just wanted to say thank you to all who replied. I probably have not made it very clear in my first post, but I dont just want to give up on my marriage if it appears that way I apologise. At the moment I feel like I need some time apart to see if I feel differently. Im definately not throwing the towel in at the first hurdle im not that kind of person. What I meant was that at the moment things are no different other than not sleeping in the same bed. I thought that if we had some time apart then I could see whether a seperation would improve the situation. I realise that this may seem drastic and to be honest after reading most of the replies I agree. I do think I need to speak to my hv/gp and have made an appointment on monday to see my hv. For some time I have felt that maybe I had pnd or some kind of depression and if Im being completely honest with myself I think deep down I know the reasons why. Our eldest daughter is almost 3 and I think the absolute world of her she is everything to me and I would do anything for her. When we had our second child I thought I would feel the same but I dont..... I hoped sooooo much for a son but we had another daughter and part of me feels like thats the problems I resent that she was a girl because I was so convinced otherwise.

I did want to thank thorsoak and brians daughter especially I think your posts helped me more than others. The comments from bitterandtwisted about benefits I thought were uncalled for. I have the same opinion of people who never worked and live off benefits but please dont tar me with the same brush. I have worked from the age of 14 all the way through the rest of my education. Receive the min benefits (child benefit that everyone receives) and saved so I could take longer on maternity leave to raise my children and the comment about you and the taxpayer assisting me doesnt help. I am also the taxpayer so only receiving back some of what I have put in there not just you and everyother tax payer giving it to me.

Im not making any further decisions about things till ive seen the health visitor and possibly gp. I am due to go back for injection next month so going to leave that and see if that improves my mood. I have said in my first post that I feel its my fault and my husband isnt to blame I do love him just at the moment Im not sure if Im in love with him.

jetta_wales

lost_soul_78 wrote: »

My thoughts are with you. I have been married 5 yrs 3 children 2 with my husband. I don't like my husband, don't fancy him, have nothing in commen.
A lot has shifted in our relationship,which is to be expected.

My youngest are nearly 3 and 4, I have a job I can walk near enough straight back into,but hubby has veoted it.

Sometimetimes I think some moves that are benificial to me and my children would cost me my marriage,which does not bother me.

But I find it so hard to make the final break,as my husband guilt trips me. My eldest father doesn't really care but she still see's his parents at least once a week(she is 15).Because I think its
important to have a close bond to your family

I am just really curious is it better to stay or leave?

You do also have to think after 6 months it could be baby blues, have a chat with your gp and see what he/she thinks

If you feel that there's really no hope that he will ever be your "happily everafter" then what's the point? If one of your children in the future told you that this was what their marrage was like then what would you tell them? Would you want them to just plod on for the rest of their life and never have the happiness in love that they deserved? Do you really think you should?

Breaking up is horrible and frightening and so hard but sometimes it is just necessary. I ultimately felt that I'd rather be single and have hope than married and know that I would never truly be happy.

I did find my perfect in the end though :-)

jetta_wales

catkins wrote: »

I so agree with this post. I would never ever say, or think, that someone should stay in an abusive relationship or if desperately unhappy but couples do tend to "give up" easily now.

I have been married for 31 years and am still very much in love with OH and, on the whole, we get on great - we are best friends as well as husband and wife BUT we have not had a wonderful happy 31 years! Like most couples we have had bad patches - lack of money, losing jobs, I suffer bad depression and we lived abroad for several years most of which I hated and that was not a good time at all. I know there have been times when I have not loved or even liked OH much and I am sure that he has felt the same! We did even talk about splitting a couple of times - there was no reason not to as we do not have children but neither of us wanted to give up on our marriage. We are both big believers in marriage, believing our vow "till death do us part" although of course if things had been really bad we would have split.

I know couples who have hit a rough patch and just called it a day. Ok I know I obviously only knew about the things they told me so there could have been other problems such as abuse (although I seriously doubt it) but so many friends, relatives, work colleagues have split that it is hard to believe they were all for serious reasons. I have known people who openly say before they even get married "oh if it doesn't work it's easy enough to get divorced".

I recently went to a work reunion and met up with people I have not seen for 11 years. Bearing in mind that most of them were not even married when I last saw them (almost all of them are a lot younger than me!) and ones that were married had only been for maybe 1 or 2 years, out of 30 people 18 were divorced!

The divorce rate is very high in this country - the majority of my friends, relatives and work mates are divorced (some more than once) and it's sad especially if children are involved. I am sure some children cope well with their parents divorcing but an awful lot do not as I have seen only too well.

18 out of 30? What were you going round with a clip board asking them all and ticking them off or something? Hahaha

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I think some of the contributors to this thread need to consider that a man whose first reaction is that a woman who gave birth just a few weeks ago (18 at the time she began sleeping in another bed), is also dealing with a toddler and has been on what sounds like a permanent diet (3.5 stones is a huge amount to lose - well over double the recognised safe amount to lose in the period), must be screwing another man and not that she is flaming well exhausted and feeling deflated after the birth, is somewhat lacking in empathy.

Do people really think the OP is supposed to be swinging from the chandeliers by now?


My first reaction when a boyfriend automatically assumed that I must be cheating on him because I didn't feel like a sex goddess for a couple of months (I was ill and needed an operation) was 'Oh, %*$^ off' because, whilst already feeling so rough that I didn't want to bump uglies every five minutes, the last thing I needed was him giving me grief about it and suggesting I was doing it elsewhere. Even more so when that meant that he never believed me when I said I had been somewhere, or done something, etc, etc. As if I would have been able to summon up the energy to meet someone, sneak off round the back of the bins and do the deed in the time it took me to buy a loaf of bread from the corner shop.

My next, more repeatable reaction would have been 'why don't you just leave me alone?' when he started about how I must be sleeping around with someone else.

As it was, he decided that my obvious infidelity was grounds for him to leave and move in with his new girlfriend by the following Saturday, so he didn't have the problem of finding somewhere to go. It did, however, have the advantage that I was able to get better without the constant pressure to service a selfish !!!!!!'s needs/ego.

I don't think the OP deserves quite as much criticism as she has received - it is easy to blame PND when someone else is being a complete d*** to a woman who has recently given birth, as it distracts from his possible contribution to the situation.