advice needed on asking husband to leave

peachyprice

Op, you loved each other enough to get married and bring two children into this world, you can't jump ship just because the seas a bit rough at the moment.

BitterAndTwisted

Setting aside the issues with lack of libido and the OH believing that because of this she is attached to someone else, it seems a rather skewed way of thinking to me that now the OP is having problems with the relationship that it should be the husband who is asked to leave. Perhaps if the OP is certain that this marriage is over she should be the one to go and find a flat to rent and pay him child-support?

kelloggs36

You do not need to split up to get sorted. It is totally normal to feel the way you do after having a baby - you are exhausted, especially with 2 children and don't feel that you can give any more. For you to get over this, you do have to make an effort - now I'm not saying you aren't, but you need to go to the GP incase you are suffering from Post Natal Depression. If you are, there is a lot that can be done to help you. If not, then you need to take a hard look at what is happening at home. Marriage is something that needs to be worked at - please don't just give up at the first sign of it being difficult. My hubby and i have gone through some hard times likes yours and we have come through the other side - you need to make sure you spend quality time together - get a baby sitter and go out, or just chill at home. Pay attention to each other, and love each other - he can be supportive with the home and the children. Seek help from Relate but don't just give up. I suspect that deep down, you do still love him.

kelloggs36

Just to add, that my hubby and I almost split once but he persuaded me to give it 6 months - I am so glad I did, as I love him more than ever now. I can't believe that I almost let it go!

brians_daughter

Hey there, sorry you are feeling like this.

I know its easy for ppl to jump on the 'have you not got PND' bandwagon, but as a mother of 3 i can assure you it is worth looking at how you feel about everything and assessing if you could have PND. It takes lots of forms, with ds2 i didnt realise i was suffering from it until i started to get better. Things like going out and mixing seemed too much effort , feeling indifferent towards everyone (apart from my children), i wouldnt let anyone else do anything for the kids for fear of them 'doing it wrong' i thought i was being a 'good mummy'- looking back i had many symptoms of PND

Going from 1 child to 2 is a massive thing IMO, in some ways its a bigger shift than becoming parents for the 1st time. Things like time together as husband and wife disolve. We found when we just had ds ppl would offer to babysit all the time, when we had ds2 i really struggled, when dd was born it felt like a breeze lol.

You have 2 young children and are, in all probability shattered. Are you back at work yet? If you are then its even tougher, if you arent it can be tough in other ways. I found i was clock watching for my oh to come home and yet when he got home i had nothing to say to him as i had been with 3 children all day and had done nothing 'adult like' to speak of iykwim?

Times can be tough the 1st 12 months or so after having a baby, maybe you need to spend time as a wife and not just a mother? You mention family so could no one have the kids for an evening, not nec overnight just long enough for you to go for a meal and a drink or 2? If not then set 'dates' the weather is coming nicer so put the children to bed early, cook a nice meal together and sit in the garden and TALK! No TV, no music, just talk together It may feel strange, even forced the 1st few times but if you do it every week or twice a week it becomes a lovely treat you start to look forward to

Could you not involve yourself in the mother and toddler groups? I started to help at ours and i found great enjoyment out of it, plus i actually had something to talk about apart from how many number 2's the kids had done that day etc lol!

You obviously love each other, or have done in the very recent past as you have 2 children, is it worth trying to make it work?

If oh isnt living there then you can claim whatever tc you are entitled to, if you arent living together as man and wife ie seperated but having to live in the marital home you can claim tc anyway. My bro did it - although he was going through a divorce and could prove this via solicitors letters etc. They paid his ex wife as a single mum based on her income, so i am sure you would be entitled to them if he lived elsewhere.

In all honesty you do not sound like you want to seperate tho. What about relate? even if hubby wont go you could attend alone if it would help.

re the sex drive... 2 youngsters will imapct that, as will your body confidence (you mention loosing weight so i assume you have some issues about body confidence) The injection did lessen my sex drive, well, it didnt lessen it - it completely removed it lol. Without intamicy you may feel detatched from your oh, maybe the injection is also responsible for the weight loss stopping? I put on 12lb when i had it, and i was actively eating healthily too

Anyway, i have waffled on far too long i fear, but please dont throw it away if theres things that can be done, and if you are not sure its for the best to seperate.

Person_one

Caroline73 wrote: »

I seem to be missing the point. If you are unhappy why is your husband the one who need to leave?

Probably because the OP is the main carer for the children, with a 6 month old she might still be breastfeeding!

You do seem to be missing the point though.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think Caroline73 was missing the point at all. If one person is unhappy in the relationship and wants it to end why should the other partner be the one to lose their home and daily contact with their own children and have to pay full rent elsewhere, 50% of the mortgage and possibly child-support for the privilege? That only one person should suffer a loss and not the other party any at all seems entirely uneven and unfair to me. If there's any financial hardship to be suffered it should be both parties suffering equally. The OP is aware that all of those costs can't be afforded between them and somehow is hoping that you and I, the tax-payer, might come to the rescue, hence the enquiry about possible benefits.

Person_one

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I don't think Caroline73 was missing the point at all. If one person is unhappy in the relationship and wants it to end why should the other partner be the one to lose their home and daily contact with their own children and have to pay full rent elsewhere, 50% of the mortgage and possibly child-support for the privilege? That only one person should suffer a loss and not the other party any at all seems entirely uneven and unfair to me. If there's any financial hardship to be suffered it should be both parties suffering equally. The OP is aware that all of those costs can't be afforded between them and somehow is hoping that you and I, the tax-payer, might come to the rescue, hence the enquiry about possible benefits.

Sadly, it only takes one unhappy person to end a relationship, but once its over and there's no saving it then both have to be grown ups and try a find a way that causes the least disruption to their children.

Digging heels in and saying "Well I didn't want to split up so you leave, even though I don't have the time to care for the children and you have nowhere for them to live" is just immature and unproductive.

Everyone will suffer a loss here, financial losses are not the only ones that matter. I think most parents would put their kids first and want them to suffer the least disruption possible.

BitterAndTwisted

Unfortunately we don't have the husband's opinion about the prospect of being chucked out of his home, leaving his children and being expected to be able to pay rent elsewhere and 50% of the mortgage. The OP has acknowledged that that cannot be afforded, so other means of keeping roofs over all of their heads needs to be found. I would say that the fairest way to achieve that would be to sell the property and two rented households be set up. Sadly, I suspect that two rented homes big enough for both partners to accommodate the children would end up being more expensive than one mortgage and one rented property. Still, I see no reason why this situation should be resolved relying on someone else's money to achieve it.

Person_one

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Unfortunately we don't have the husband's opinion about the prospect of being chucked out of his home, leaving his children and being expected to be able to pay rent elsewhere and 50% of the mortgage. The OP has acknowledged that that cannot be afforded, so other means of keeping roofs over all of their heads needs to be found. I would say that the fairest way to achieve that would be to sell the property and two rented households be set up. Sadly, I suspect that two rented homes big enough for both partners to accommodate the children would end up being more expensive than one mortgage and one rented property. Still, I see no reason why this situation should be resolved relying on someone else's money to achieve it.

What's your solution then? That people carry on in unhappy marriages?