advice needed on asking husband to leave

puddy

why cant the couple try and work at it to see if they can make it work anyway, why the sudden jump from 'im unhappy' to 'we're finished'?

Person_one

puddy wrote: »

why cant the couple try and work at it to see if they can make it work anyway, why the sudden jump from 'im unhappy' to 'we're finished'?

Well that would be ideal, but its not always possible.

Plans_all_plans

No it's not always possible. BUT with only 3.5 years of marriage under her belt and 2 kids in tow, it's a bit early to throw in the towel yet if you ask me (assuming there's no abuse in the relationship)!

OP, please don't give up on your marriage yet. You should try every avenue to avoid splitting. 'Relate' would be a good organisation to contact.

I must admit that one of my best friends went through a 2 year rough patch in her marriage and every fortnight they were having massive barneys and walking out on each other. They had 2 kids under 3 and were in the early days of marriage at this time. Both her and her husband now state it was the stress of bringing the kids up and feeling as though they were pushed and pulled in all directions that led to the rocky nature of their relationship early on. They're still married (much more happily now!) but I really feel you should press on and see how you feel once your children become more independent (around 2)

Caroline73_2

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Caroline73 wrote: »

I seem to be missing the point. If you are unhappy why is your husband the one who need to leave?

Person_one wrote: »

Probably because the OP is the main carer for the children, with a 6 month old she might still be breastfeeding!

You do seem to be missing the point though.

Bitterandtwisted has answered exactly as I would have done. There are many mothers in this kind of situation as this thread has shown. The OP is the one who wants to split and to throw the husband out on this basis is wrong. Who is to say the husband couldn't manage as a single working parent. If the OP wants to break up the family unit then they should leave the home not the husband.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I don't think Caroline73 was missing the point at all. If one person is unhappy in the relationship and wants it to end why should the other partner be the one to lose their home and daily contact with their own children and have to pay full rent elsewhere, 50% of the mortgage and possibly child-support for the privilege? That only one person should suffer a loss and not the other party any at all seems entirely uneven and unfair to me. If there's any financial hardship to be suffered it should be both parties suffering equally. The OP is aware that all of those costs can't be afforded between them and somehow is hoping that you and I, the tax-payer, might come to the rescue, hence the enquiry about possible benefits.

Person_one

2 years of regular 'massive barneys' can't have been very nice for the children to be around though.

I'm all in favour of trying to work things out, I think barring abuse issues couples should go to counselling before ending things, but just 'staying together for the kids' if you're truly unhappy doesn't do anybody any good.

Plans_all_plans

Well I agree that 2 years of barneys isn't good for the kids to witness, but I really think that long term kids are best off brought up in a 2 parent family. If they'd broken up then - when times were tough - the kids'd have missed out on a awful lot going forward.

puddy

theres also a lot to be said for children to be exposed to situations where people find resolutions to their problems. what message does it give kids if their parents dont try or cant get on and the only solution is to walk away?

no one has suggested here 'stay for the kids', but people have suggested try at least to see if you can make it work, why are people so keen to throw in the towel. and for the record i have lots of experience of where abuse has been involved in the relationship and the couple have been able to get support to end that cycle and have a good relationship

catkins

Person_one wrote: »

Well that would be ideal, but its not always possible.

No it's not always possible but just giving up on a marriage with 2 young children can never be a good thing. The youngest is only 6 months old so presumably things must have been ok not that long ago.

Of course it's not good for children to be in a home where mum and dad are unhappy and arguing all the time (although this couple do not seem to be doing that) but is it good for them to have parents who divorce? I have seen many of my divorced friends' children suffer very badly and some of them are now adults who are still very badly affected by it.

I am lucky in some ways - me and OH do not have children through choice. I know from friends' experiences that having children can be one of the most difficult times in a relationship and sadly, most of my divorced friends say their marriages starting going wrong when children came along!

kelloggs36

Whilst I would never suggest that people stay if they really hate their partners, it seems that we live in too much of a throw away society - if we are unhappy then we just give up and move on to a new partner. Years ago, this was not the norm - of course there were many more unhappy marriages than now, but people at least tried to make it work before giving up. Marriage is to be worked at - it won't all be easy living; there will be tough times but there will also be good times. If you think that giving up is the option, then why get married in the first place? Why not just live together? Marriage is supposed to be for life - unless violence or mental abuse is involved, then I strongly believe that people should try much harder before throwing in the towel! That is from one who has once been divorced and has learned some hard lessons in life.

thorsoak

I do think that sometimes, one should take the "longer view" in marriage, as in life. Looking back over 47 years of marriage, things weren't always rosy - not enough money/sleep do not make for a happy couple - but, provided of course that there is no violence - most important - I think that trying to take the attitude - let's see what the next month brings ...then the next, then birthdays/holiday/christmas etc - you can find yourselves in a better place. And talking to my now grown-up children, their attitude is that yes, they can remember some enormous rows - but also some really good making-ups! Having been brought up in a family where they've known that life can be hard has, according to my DD, made her realise that it is okay to have disagreements with her partner, that either or both of them can be right - or wrong.

But obviously, if there is violence - verbal or physical - that puts a completely different complexion on things.