advice needed on asking husband to leave

xxanon

Hi, Im posting under a different user than normal incase my husband sees this. We have been married for 3.5 years and have 2 beautiful children the youngest just 6months old. Since the birth of our second child things have been different, more difficult. I feel mostly to blame as I seem to have lost my sex drive which I know has caused problems and its me that feels different he thinks nothing has changed but me. we tried to discuss it but he thinks Im with someone else. I am not and have never been. I just dont feel sexy anymore im overweight and feel disgusting. I have lost 3.5stone since having our youngest baby but now seem to be stuck in a rut and because the weight has stopped coming off im starting to struggle with keeping to the diet and exercise when im not seeing results. For the last 2months we have been sleeping seperatly but still living as a couple to everyone else more so for the children. our eldest is 3next week and absolutely loves her dad. Both our nieces come from broken homes and our daughter thinks its strange she doesnt stay with daddy every fornight. I dont see the relationship improving and think we need real time apart to see if seperating is what I really wany, sleeping seperatly isnt enough. We have discussed this and my husband has said he cant afford to move out and pay towards the bills (mortgage etc) he is happy to pay towards to children but can not afford to pay 50% towards the mortgage and rent a place of his own. we dont have any family who have space for him to stay to see if things improve or friends he could stay with so renting is only option. He also wants to rent so he has space for when he will have the children. What do I do? Can I get help with the mortgage if we are taking a break but not definately seperating can I claim tax credits Ive looked on the internet and it says my tax credits would increase from £44 a month to £164 a week if I was single but I dont know whether I would be and dont want to be claiming for things illegally or what im not entitled to then have to pay things back. we got ourselves out of debt before we got married and I vowed never to owe anyone anything apart from on the mortgage. we cant do a payment holiday as we have done one already when I had the baby to allow me to stay off work for longer with the children.

Please does anyone know what we can do or give me any advice. I have also been on the injection for 5months now and wondered whether this could be affecting how im feeling as some days I think oh just get on with it for the sake of the kids, its not that bad life could be worse, then others I feel sufficated?

4nnabella

I can't offer a huge amount of advice but having read your final paragraph about being on the injection, I just wanted to say that I came off the injection after only being on it a few months. It made me so miserable and I completely lost my sex drive (probably the most effective part of it being a contraceptive :rotfl:) This was quite a long time ago now but I can still remember how rubbish it made me feel.

I hope you are able to sort out your relationship (((hugs)))

Sorry I couldn't offer any other advice!

norabatty_2

I can't offer much advice either but just wanted to add to your bit about the injection - I had to go off the pill last year because I was getting depressed, had no interest in sex, was crying for no good reason, eroding self confidence. In the end, I had a discussion with my husband and decided that I would stop using the pill and we would use condoms until we were ready to start a family. My energy levels and mood levels increased dramatically within a month, so there is a good chance that alot of what you are going through might be down to the injection.

That said, you and your husband seem to have already come to the conclusion that he should move out, the only problem being money. This would suggest that the injection is only one part of this equation. Have you tried or talked about counselling, either on your own but preferably jointly? At least you are still talking to each other and your husband still feels the same about you, which is a good start.

I hope this all works out for you and your family, whichever path you decide to go down.

VfM4meplse

I am sorry to learn of your predicament.

xxanon wrote: »

Please does anyone know what we can do or give me any advice. I have also been on the injection for 5months now and wondered whether this could be affecting how im feeling

I actuallly think you could be suffering with PND, it has a way of altering your perspective. I would suggest you see your GP, if you've stopped breastfeeding an anti-depressant may help, it won't numb your senses but could quite possibly make you open to seeing things in a new light. And ask your OH to be patient and support you, after all, life is never going to be simple with 2 children under 3!

Good luck and plse do consider seeing your family doctor, or at least discussing this with your HV, that's what she's there for.

BitterAndTwisted

If you can't afford the mortgage payments plus the rent on any place your husband needs to live in then you need to sell up and buy something smaller or rent yourself.

For answers to your questions about benefits I suggest you post on the benefits board where others might have some knowledge about what help there might be, if any.

To be honest, for the moment I would be thinking a lot harder about what steps you might need to think about taking to save your marriage rather than strategies to end it. Talking to your GP about the injection and your mood would be the most important. Then maybe Relate

DVardysShadow

If your husband thinks you are with someone else, this idea of making him leave is only going to reinforce the idea that you are with someone else. Making him leave to see if separation is what you really want is probably the most certain way of convincing him that you are not the least bit interested in him. In turn, you have to consider the strong likelihood that he will get on with the rest of his life and find someone else either short term or permanently. This is probably the most certain way of putting things beyond the point of no return and leaving you with no options to restore things if and when you decide that separation is not the way to go. In the meantime, he could father another child ... This will add to the woes all round.

If you really want to separate, then be fair on yourself and your partner and wait until you are certain before making a clean break. But it really does not make sense to me. Your post is based on how bad you feel about yourself. If you get rid of your partner, you are still stuck with yourself, so I doubt you will feel any better about yourself.

Caroline73_2

I seem to be missing the point. If you are unhappy why is your husband the one who need to leave?

hollydays

DVardysShadow wrote: »

If your husband thinks you are with someone else, this idea of making him leave is only going to reinforce the idea that you are with someone else. Making him leave to see if separation is what you really want is probably the most certain way of convincing him that you are not the least bit interested in him. In turn, you have to consider the strong likelihood that he will get on with the rest of his life and find someone else either short term or permanently. This is probably the most certain way of putting things beyond the point of no return and leaving you with no options to restore things if and when you decide that separation is not the way to go. In the meantime, he could father another child ... This will add to the woes all round.

If you really want to separate, then be fair on yourself and your partner and wait until you are certain before making a clean break. But it really does not make sense to me. Your post is based on how bad you feel about yourself. If you get rid of your partner, you are still stuck with yourself, so I doubt you will feel any better about yourself.

Great post. What comes across strongly is how bad you are feeling about yourself.Could you be depressed?

Nimeth

If you want my honest opinion, I think you may be jumping the gun a little, asking your husband to leave. Have the two of you even considered relationship counselling? If you haven't, I suggest a visit to Relate.

Has your husband told you straight out why he thinks you are with someone else? Have you explained to him what you are feeling and why in a calm manner? Honestly it sounds as if you are suffering from depression (partly contributed to by the injection). I suffered from teenage depression for 2 years before I said anything. The hardest words for a depressed person to say are "I'm depressed. I need help." But it can be done. I also recommend not having the injection either, I just came off the pill and feel loads better. Better sex drive, more energy and less depressed.

Do you still love each other in any way? If you do, don't give up your marriage just yet.

thorsoak

Sit tight - both of you. Let me give you my advice - after 47 1/2 years marriage.

You've got two babies, money is tight, your sex drive has nose-dived, and your OH thinks because you don't fancy him at the moment, you must fancy someone else - when the only thing that you really fancy is your bed - on your own!

This is normal married life - it can and will be hell on legs for a while - but you CAN get through it - both of you together. Both of you feel unappreciated - but your children appreciate and love you both. Let that be enough for the moment. Things WILL get better - as someone has said, in all probability you are suffering from PND - and the contraception injection won't be helping you that much. But things will improve - just as a grazed leg will get better if you don't keep taking the scab off, so your marriage will get better if you don't keep picking at it!

Think of all that both of you will lose if you split - think of what your children will lose if you split. Hang on in there - make no decision this summer - see how it goes. Then - see how it goes in the autumn - over Christmas. If at this time next year things have not improved - then - seek counselling - but just hang on in there for now. {{hugs}} to all of you!

pinkshoes

I agree with B&T, and think it sounds more like you should be focussing on how to save the marriage, not end it!

Have you tried any form of counselling yet?

As a start, you should find some info on the injection, as this sounds like it could be a cause, and talk it through with your husband.