Your garden, your rules or am i too polite?

Luciferswench

I'd have prepared snacks if i was entertaining a friend and their children after school time. My children come home from school like they've never been fed before and if we have visitors then they have a snack and a late tea. The water pistol issue is hardly an issue a simple no son you cant play with them today would have done, why do an activity that all children cant parttake in? I personally wouldnt and i'd hardly make a big deal out of it to be fair. Water play at that time when you want to do tea can be very messy.
Also the bedtimes thing my younger two are 5 and 7 and they got up between 7 - 7.30 on week nights and sleep until 7am at least. They arent staying up just because the nights are lighter. School holidays however are a different matter.

shy-but-need-help

We have the general ruling that messy play/water play (anything that could impact on what they're wearing) only happens with guests over if their parents agree, if not it waits as my kids have every other day to do those activities but only occasional days with friends over. So personally the water pistols I'd have told my kids that X couldn't play so it would be more polite to play something else until they'd gone home. It's early summer, hopefully we're not going to run out of opportunity to use water toys too soon.

As for the tea thing, if I knew I was on such a tight schedule I'd probably have said I needed to get on with making tea but generally speaking if I'm on good enough terms for someone to come over and hang out in the garden with us then they're good enough friends to come in and chat whilst I cook or even to pitch in and help. Alternatively I'd have given a snack or done something that was quicker to eat for their meal after the friend left.

Are there other issues in the friendship where she pushes boundaries that made this a bit of a "straw that broke the camels back" as such? I've been known to get really fraught over tiny issues when it's been a bigger, on going backstory issue that's caused how I feel.

xxvickixx

Personally I would object to the guns as in toy weapons, but it's hard to say what your friends issue was. Why not ask her? Something like, I'm sorry the kids were playing water games when you came over, I didn't know it was something you didn't want X to do...

liney

Water guns: they were guests, so i'd have had them play with soemthing else that they could all join in with.

The tea time comments I think were just rude though. I was always taught you never turn up somewhere around what would be considered a meal time unless invited, and if someone made a noise about starting lunch/dinner then it was time to go, not time to tell them to wait until you're ready to leave!

Nicki

[QUOTE=*max*;I_really_don't_see_what_was_"unspeakably_rude"_(talk_about_over_the_top!)_about_your_friend_asking_if_you_could_feed_your_kids_half_an_hour_later_than_planned._[/QUOTE]

Just goes to show that different people have different standards of behaviour I guess.

If my best friend told me she was going out so in a rush, and was going to feed her children at 4.30, I would not dream of telling her she couldn't even start to cook until 5.00 as that was when I wanted to leave. I would take the comment as the polite hint I suspect it was, gather up my stuff, and leave. I would never expect 3 year old children to alter their routine to fit my whims as a visitor!

OP had to start cooking at 5pm, leave her kids time to eat, bath them, read their stories and have them in bed by 6.30. I bet she didn't have a lot of time to get herself ready to go out after that. All so that her friend could what? Have another cup of tea? I still think OP is justified to be cross about this, and I personally would be mortified to behave in the way her friend did, so sorry if that's a vast overreaction, but at least I don't selfishly inconvenience my friends without giving it a second thought.

daska

I was always taught that good manners means making your guest/s feel comfortable and not noticing their 'bad' manners unless absolutely necessary - so a quiet word is ok if they keep swearing in front of the kids but no comments about them holding their knife like a pencil. So, if you extend an invitation and there is a time limit then it's rude not to inform your guest as soon as possible so that they don't suddenly discover they've overstayed their welcome, ditto if by precedent they are used to leaving at a certain time and you need to change that. If they have strict rules as to what their child is allowed to do then you steer your children into behaving appropriately - possibly by losing the water pistols or by promoting a different game. If you have to feed your children while a guest is there you extend the invitation to include their child. etc. etc. etc. If you changed your routine from what your 'good friend' is used to then it was your responsibility to handle it well and not make her feel uncomfortable. Conversely, if she knew that by staying until 5 she was upsetting your usual routine then she was out of order. Hopefully you are good enough friends to put it behind you, but the fact that you're whingeing on here makes it look as if your friendship isn't as good as it could be.

vik6525

Deleted_User wrote: »

Today my two came home from nursery and into the garden around 3.30pm. A good friend of mine by arrangement came around shortly after with her daughter, same age as my two.

However after a while my children wanted to do water play, squirting, getting wet, chasing with water pistols, which is what we've been doing at the weekend. But my friend didn't want her daughter participating.

Normally i'd say to my children if one child isn't allowed to do something, then we wait until they've gone or not at all if out and about. But i thought actually its our garden, the stuff is there on the lawn from yesterday and i don't have a problem with my two playing with it. So therefore i spent most of my time in deliberation of letting my son play with his pistol and trying to be fair to the other child.

I was also planning on doing my kids tea for 4.30ish as i wanted them in bed by 6.30, they were tired from the weekend and nursery. However the time passed and by 4.45 i realised i hadn't got it started and my son was saying he was hungry. I made a noise about getting it ready and my friend commented that they were going at 5 so couldn't he wait another 15mins. I was caught off guard so agreed.

Now i'm left feeling like annoyed about both things and because its a good friend and we normally agree on everything child related i dont knwo what to do or say.

But i feel i should have stood up more for myself and children, but unsure of how to do it next time in a fair but polite way.

Pointers please............?

Honestly, I think you're both as rude as each other!
I wouldnt DREAM of letting a guest be 'left out' whilst my son played with something he wasnt allowed to, and equally, never in a million years would I ask someone to delay making dinner because I was in their house.

So notch it up to an altogether rubbish playdate, and move on!

thatgirlsam

I think the OP might just pip to the post as the rudest!

Not because of any actions really but in the attitude ' my garden my rules'

I cannot for the life of me understand why you would invite other small children to play the get the hump because they don't want to get wet!

crispy_chris

vik6525 wrote: »

Honestly, I think you're both as rude as each other!

I was just about to post exactly this.

warehouse

If you're being like this when your kids are 3 and 4, then I shudder to think how many posts you'll be making when they're 6, 7 and upwards.

How will you cope when dd1 asks if her friend can come over for tea outside the school gates with the other childs parent standing there saying nothing, or if one of them has a friend over who suddenly says hers Mum says it's OK for her to stay over etc etc.

Once kids start socialising and you are interacting with new parents on a regular basis the key word you need to learn is "flexibility". Routines will go out of the window but it's how you cope that's key. Your own 2 wouldn't have suffered in the slightest if you'd have given them a little snack and a later meal, plus a delayed bedtime. Maybe they'd have welcomed the change? It's much more important for them and you to be mixing with other kids/parents than to stick to a set routine.