Obsessed with Perfection....

andrealm

Do you think it's because the school puts a lot of pressure on pupils to do well academically? I think some schools put far too much pressure on, and it can lead to a lot of stress. If she's doing well anyway, it seems a shame that she feels she has to spend nearly all her time studying. At her age, she should be able to spend more time relaxing and having fun.

miss_independent

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meritaten

miss_independent wrote: »

Sounds like me at that age and still now. I am a perfectionist and as a child was a total over-achiever - as a child I was into, ice-skating, dancing, singing, horseriding, music, art, creative writing and drama - If I didn't win in competitions, get the main part in shows or the highest mark in my drama, singing and dance exams I would beat myself up. I was highly competitive against myself, never hurt anyone else, just myself. I was a straight A student, Oxbridge material, graduated top of my course from uni, started my own business at 19 and am studying singing at the Royal Academy of Music.

Deep down inside though I have always been unhappy. Performing onstage gives me great joy but my singing, acting and dance teachers are concerned about my attitude to myself and how I react when I make mistakes - they feel I am unnecessarily harsh on myself. I find it hard to see any good in myself. I have alot of hatred towards myself and find it hard to accept praise. I constantly have to push myself and achieve more and more. It extends to the way I eat (extremely healthily), my lifestyle (I live like a nun!) and my attitude (obsessed with keeping a good reputation). When I achieve something amazing, I downplay it, act as if its no big deal. Writing all this down I know I sound like a freak! I am in my mid-twenties now and have started to realise I could well achieve all of my performing dreams but the more I achieve, the more i see there is a gaping hole in me which hurts and a ridiculous belief that if my most recent performance wasn't absolutely perfect, then that makes me a bad person.

Where did it begin? I was always driven from being around 3 years old. I wanted to do what the big girls did! My mother kept me perfect in terms of my appearance. I was like a doll. She is an obsessional cleaner and I was frequently hit for being messy, wetting the bed or not being polite enough. I had to be angelic and the house had to be spotless. Ironically, I'm a very untidy person despite all my perfectionist traits! I was a worrier and very sensitive. Things started to get out of hand when I was around 10. My ice-skating had become an obsession and I pushed myself very hard but I loved it and it made me so happy. I loved the hard work and it gave me something to aspire to. Meanwhile, things were very unhappy at home, my parents were having horrendous marriage problems and I was getting bullied at school. I became determined to make something of myself, to prove to everyone I was special. Because at home I didn't feel special. I had classic middle child syndrome, even though I was the youngest until I was 11 (I'm 5th of 6 children). I felt I had something to prove. Every little achievement gave me a high. When I could see that I was never going to be the best ice-skater, I gave up and threw myself into what I was good at - musical theatre. I was alot like Rachel from Glee! As a child and teenager, skating and performing were my escape - they helped me survive everything else and made me feel special. I know this post is about me but I'm trying to provide some insight into how your daughter might be feeling. At my core I felt, alone, ugly, worthless. But I was achieving the most amazing things.

I don't know what the cure is. I wish I had had counselling as a child. I know the root of all my problems is a chronic lack of self-esteem. I'm trying to fix it now but its hard to unlearn all the habits of a life time. For me, my perfectionism was a way of turning all the negative things that had happened in my life into something positive - using all the !!!!!! as a driving force. Does the school have a counselling service/mentoring system? Perhaps talk to her teachers about if she is displaying any of this behaviour at school? I hope she manages to get a balanced perspective soon. Achievements are great but you have to live and find happiness too!

Are you getting counselling now hun? Its not too late for you - you have great insight into your problems and how they came about.
You are young yet and I am sure are capable of great things - without being so hard on yourself.

miss_independent

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Shanelle

miss_independent wrote: »

Sounds like me at that age and still now. I am a perfectionist and as a child was a total over-achiever - as a child I was into, ice-skating, dancing, singing, horseriding, music, art, creative writing and drama - If I didn't win in competitions, get the main part in shows or the highest mark in my drama, singing and dance exams I would beat myself up. I was highly competitive against myself, never hurt anyone else, just myself. I was a straight A student, Oxbridge material, graduated top of my course from uni, started my own business at 19 and am studying singing at the Royal Academy of Music.

Deep down inside though I have always been unhappy. Performing onstage gives me great joy but my singing, acting and dance teachers are concerned about my attitude to myself and how I react when I make mistakes - they feel I am unnecessarily harsh on myself. I find it hard to see any good in myself. I have alot of hatred towards myself and find it hard to accept praise. I constantly have to push myself and achieve more and more. It extends to the way I eat (extremely healthily), my lifestyle (I live like a nun!) and my attitude (obsessed with keeping a good reputation). When I achieve something amazing, I downplay it, act as if its no big deal. Writing all this down I know I sound like a freak! I am in my mid-twenties now and have started to realise I could well achieve all of my performing dreams but the more I achieve, the more i see there is a gaping hole in me which hurts and a ridiculous belief that if my most recent performance wasn't absolutely perfect, then that makes me a bad person.

Where did it begin? I was always driven from being around 3 years old. I wanted to do what the big girls did! My mother kept me perfect in terms of my appearance. I was like a doll. She is an obsessional cleaner and I was frequently hit for being messy, wetting the bed or not being polite enough. I had to be angelic and the house had to be spotless. Ironically, I'm a very untidy person despite all my perfectionist traits! I was a worrier and very sensitive. Things started to get out of hand when I was around 10. My ice-skating had become an obsession and I pushed myself very hard but I loved it and it made me so happy. I loved the hard work and it gave me something to aspire to. Meanwhile, things were very unhappy at home, my parents were having horrendous marriage problems and I was getting bullied at school. I became determined to make something of myself, to prove to everyone I was special. Because at home I didn't feel special. I had classic middle child syndrome, even though I was the youngest until I was 11 (I'm 5th of 6 children). I felt I had something to prove. Every little achievement gave me a high. When I could see that I was never going to be the best ice-skater, I gave up and threw myself into what I was good at - musical theatre. I was alot like Rachel from Glee! As a child and teenager, skating and performing were my escape - they helped me survive everything else and made me feel special. I know this post is about me but I'm trying to provide some insight into how your daughter might be feeling. At my core I felt, alone, ugly, worthless. But I was achieving the most amazing things.

I don't know what the cure is. I wish I had had counselling as a child. I know the root of all my problems is a chronic lack of self-esteem. I'm trying to fix it now but its hard to unlearn all the habits of a life time. For me, my perfectionism was a way of turning all the negative things that had happened in my life into something positive - using all the !!!!!! as a driving force. Does the school have a counselling service/mentoring system? Perhaps talk to her teachers about if she is displaying any of this behaviour at school? I hope she manages to get a balanced perspective soon. Achievements are great but you have to live and find happiness too!

Hi

I feel so honoured for you to have posted. It must have taken a lot of guts and bravery to open all this back up....... :A
DD obsession for perfection, doesn't really have a psychological reason that I know about, She once had via school private counselling, and the counsellor told me that tbh, she didn't really have any underlying problems to discuss and I may have overreacted by her will to perfect.

To answer the query about her behaviour at school, Last parents evening I was told by a teacher although she produced fantastic work she can be quite "cold" and that he personally felt that she really disliked him? The maths teacher annoyed me quite a lot, saying that DD is constantly acting "smug" and "smarmy" when she answers question correctly and sets out to ridicule him amongst her friends?, which would really suprise me as I previously stated she seems to self loathe and is underconfident .......
I don't know what to believe, me and DD are really close and I really doubt she'd do some of the things stated above. But on the other hand, I know she'll brush off anyone she sees insignificant politely but coldly if their getting in her way of something....