Obsessed with Perfection....

Shanelle

Hi
The clue is in the title really, Only I'm not asking for myself but my 14 y/o DD. I'm not sure if I'm overly concerned as I was always a worrier by nature myself.
Well Here goes.....
DD is in Y10 at school, from around 10 y/o she was always striving to do her best, which is quite normal, but since she started high school it almost seems to be an obsession.
She'll beat herself up about getting good marks unless they're the utmost best achievable. For example shes' recently got her Maths result GCSE and she had 3 marks off an A. She informed me of this as she got home, and has been studying like mad ( 4/5 hours) ever since. I'm not trying to discourage her but I know that she'll continue to study until the retake which is next march. I'm proud that she is so motivated, but I'm concerned its much more than that. What I mean, is even if she reaches the best she can, she'll never be proud of herself. She can't even accept compliments or praise, she just seems to turn away and close up completely.v This is what worries me.
She always trying to outdo everyone around her, even if she has the highest mark in a subject in her class she'll continue to work at it til she has the best mark achievable. I support her as much as I can, and I pay for extra tuition lessons, new study books and help out as much as I can.
She seems to loathe herself a lot, and is too acceptive of criticism. I don't know what to do? I dont think its no longer a phase, or that it ever was, and her behaviour frightens me a little......

jinky67

oh hard one, in a way you should be pleased she is trying so hard to better herself, but I can see it from your point of view too. Has she cut herself off from having any fun at all? Does she have loads of friends? Have YOU maybe placed unrealistic goals in her head, so she feels she HAS to be the best?

The loathing thing, I would put down to being a teenager :rotfl:

Shanelle

jinky67 wrote: »

oh hard one, in a way you should be pleased she is trying so hard to better herself, but I can see it from your point of view too. Has she cut herself off from having any fun at all? Does she have loads of friends? Have YOU maybe placed unrealistic goals in her head, so she feels she HAS to be the best?

The loathing thing, I would put down to being a teenager :rotfl:

What scares me the most, is that I was a self loathing teenager - and it did nothing but bring me stress, worry and hate. I lost some of the best opportunities I could've gotten because I didn't believe I was good enough.... But looking back I wouldn't change what I've got now for anything:rotfl:
Even though everything turned Ok for me in the end, I'd hate to see my DD in the position where its really hard to bounce back and live with no regrets,
She's written up a schedule and she has tiny amounts for socialising and free time, she's cut T.V, music, anything fun other than friend meeting and socialising out..
I know every parents says this..... but I've never been an academic myself and although I respect them i think there's way more to life. I did consider I'd sort of put these ideas in her head but in perspective I don't think I have. Not once have I told she needs to be better, and I praise her at every available opportunity
I don't wanna leave this for too long I'm petrified it'll get worse...

Molly41

Is her perfectionism just around school or does it extend to her appearance, room or eating?

onlyroz

Sounds a bit like me. I'd have been gutted if I'd missed an A by a few marks...

THIRZAH

She does need to do other things apart from study . Have you spoken to the school-does she need the extra tuition?

My DD was much the same-still is-no confidence in herself even though she ended up getting a good degree from Cambridge.One of her friends there was two marks off a starred first at the end of her second year so gave up all other interests, boyfriend etc and ended up with a 2:1!

Does your DD have any hobbies? If you could encourage her to have interests apart from study-you could always point out that if she wants to apply for uni she will need to do a personal statement for her UCAS form and they will be looking for people with other interests apart from work.

make_me_wise

Can I ask why she is having this extra tuition? Has it been recommended by the school. Sub-consciously she may be working likE mad because she feels she isn't up to her peers standards as she is having this extra tuition. Reverse psychology if you like, backfiring.

I really feel for you. Alot of people would love for their teens to be hard workers. I do get the feeling though that your daughter almost has an obsession to achieve and that she will totally burn herself out with this current approach.

The self loathing and only being able to focus on negatives about herself are concerning. Does the school have a Senco who could maybe arrange for a few sessions to build up her self-esteem.

Instead of extra tuition I would think having an outlet where she can socialise and relax would benefit her hugely. Education isn't all about being academic, she will pick up so many life skills by joining a few clubs?

Hope things work out for you OP.

Hermia

I think this behaviour does seem to occur in teens, especially, girls and it isn't healthy in excess. I have a tendency towards perfectionism and found that I never felt pride in my successes as I was too busy concentrating on every little thing I did wrong. I even do it now at work. I get an appraisal that is 99% praise and will focus on the 1%! I would think about looking at some books on perfectionism so you can try and help her. I would try and get a grip on this if she is thinking about going to university. I found it a shock from going to top of the class in my school to being in an environment where you are surrounded by people who were top of their class too. She needs to learn that there will always be someone who is smarter and more talented than you, but that doesn't reflect badly on you.

Jake'sGran

On a lighter note, my grandson studies hard and needs As in his A levels as he has been offered places at two or three universities depending on his results. In his GCSEs he got ten, all As and four were starred. He is doing Maths at Uni and needs to get an A in further Maths A level.

His Mum, my DD, has arranged for him to have some private tuition for the further maths.

He got a fantastic report from his teachers for this year but one mentioned that "he can be wearing". His attitude is that it is their duty to make him understand and until he does he'll keep on asking questions. I'd love
to be a fly on the wall when he is insisting on answers.

Unfortunately, he seems to have inherited one of my genes i.e. one that makes him dash to the loo before exams and such. I'm just hoping it'll all settle down when he has got the results he wants. Hope you don't mind me butting in but the posts above made me think of him. Unlike the first person's daughter he does have hobbies - weight training, gaming and a girlfriend.

make_me_wise

Hermia wrote: »

I even do it now at work. I get an appraisal that is 99% praise and will focus on the 1%

I see it a totally different way. If I have an appraisal at work I want there to be a reasonable % of constructive advice on areas where I can improve/take further training.

If I have a role where there is nothing left for me to develop or progress with, then I am in the wrong job. The day that happens I will be off to find myself a new challenge.

inahighrise

Molly41 wrote: »

Is her perfectionism just around school or does it extend to her appearance, room or eating?

Yeah, I was going to ask something similar. It's a tough one to answer, because a bit of healthy competition never hurt anyone, but if she's focusing on it to the exclusion of everything else then it's not healthy and it will probably annoy her peers.

I guess the aim is to get her to realise that part of growing up is accepting that you will fail; perhaps you have a relative who has done really well in their career without being a brilliant academic? Or who has been through the school of hard knocks and come out the other side. It's a lot to dump on a 14 year old, but if approached sensitively might help.

[FWIW, I was the same at school, and thought I knew what was best for me, and in a strange way my teachers encouraged it. It was only when I went to uni that I realised that a) there are people out there - some of who never had any formal education - whose intellect knocked mine into a cocked hat and b) that I was human.]

Best of luck xx