Rights as a dad

tanith

Whichever way you look at this that girl is going to be the childs mother and reading between the lines it seems she is putting distance between herself and your son for what reasons aren't clear . She may well have decided this relationship isn't going to work and honestly there is nothing you can do about that if thats her decision... the best you and your son can hope for is limited access and thats not going to happen with a newborn.. you all need to talk as speculating isn't helping..

DUTR

tanith wrote: »

Whichever way you look at this that girl is going to be the childs mother and reading between the lines it seems she is putting distance between herself and your son for what reasons aren't clear . She may well have decided this relationship isn't going to work and honestly there is nothing you can do about that if thats her decision... the best you and your son can hope for is limited access and thats not going to happen with a newborn.. you all need to talk as speculating isn't helping..

I'm quite sure the courts won't view it that way, social studies have proven that breeding imbalanced children is not in the best interests of the child and has long term consequences in adulthood, the guy won't be deemed as just the father when she wants money, goverment policy is seeing to that

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

She could just be so busy chucking her guts up and missing her mum that she just can't be doing with all the fuss at the moment, but give it a few more weeks and she will feel more able to make her own decisions, rather than let her dad make them for her.

taxi36

Alison you should be very very proud of you're Son. The fact that he is willing to accept his responsibility as the father is commendable.

At this point in time the young girl is going to be "up in the air" so to speak,couple that with the fact that she has recently lost her Mum you can be sure that this young girl isnt having the best time of it lately.

You can bet you're life that the girls father is only trying to do what is best for her atm although I do agree that he should be including you're Son instead of attempting to alienate him from things.

I am in a similar situation as lots of you already know and think that as you're Son is eager to be there for his GF the father should be doing all her can to help the parents become a family together.

Its not easy Alison , its hard to sit back and do nothing but this is something which they need to work out between themselves.

Hopefully very soon the girls father will realise how lucky his Daughter is to have a bf (you're son) who is willing to be there for her and do all he can to support the mother of his child , after all it could be worse...she could be facing this without support from the father of her child.

I hope things work out for you all .

FATBALLZ

Alison_B wrote: »

I asked about the surname of the baby and my son said that they had both decided that it would have my son's surname but since the girlfriend has been talking to her dad, they have now decided that the baby will keep her name in case things don't work out with my son as it will be easier in the long run.

"Don't work out" as in your son somehow stops being the childs dad at some point in the future?

We had our child outside marriage and I seem to remember that when you sign the birth certificate you take on 'parental rights' or something as the father, can't remember exactly how it works though.

clearingout

I would suggest that you stop thinking about 'father's rights' and focus more on the rights of the child to have a relationship with both parents and extended family.

are you seriously suggesting that a 16 year old boy, who has found himself in this situation accidentally, should give up EVERY weekend to be with his child? He may well have responsiblities now that the average adolescent doesn't, but that's no reason to restrict his life in this way. Or is it about you, as the grandparents, wanting that time?

You run the risk of pushing the mother and her family away if you bang on about your son's rights. Mum and dad need to work this out between them -that may mean that dad gets less time with his child than you would like. Equally, it may mean that he gets more time with his child than the maternal grandfather would like. But if they work it out between them, it is likely to work out in a way that works for their family and their situation and which, ultimately, is in the best interests of the child. Families today are not what they used to be - there is no stigma to be 'different' in the way that there might have been 20 years ago.

There's no formula for this situation, no rights and wrongs. There is probably a bit of a need to 'sit on hands' and let things develop and see how that pans out. It's still very early days, after all.

Alison_B

Firstly can I just say that I am not banging on about his rights. The situation at present is that it is the girlfriend and her dad that are making all the decisions about this pregnancy and my son is getting told. Surely he and the girlfriend should be making the decisions between them. When they do make the decisions, once she goes home, the decisions change.

We have not mentioned anything at all to the girlfriend about what we think should happen. As far as we are concerned, they both need to talk things through and we will be there to back them up no matter what they decide.

We have got a meeting with the girlfriend and her dad next week, so hopefully things can get discussed.

clearingout

apologies - the phrase 'banging on' is perhaps not the best one to have used! I didn't mean it to come across in the way that it has. Reading it back, I can see it's offensive and that wasn't my intention.

Your son has no rights whatsoever until the child is born. And even then, the courts very much see the situation as the child having rights, rather than the parents. The legal term is 'parental responsibility' for a reason.

I have some experience in this area in that one of my children was born whilst my ex and I were divorcing so I know the anxiety and stress caused when everyone else thinks they have rights to what's going on in your body and the little person you are producing! There is nothing more terrifying as a pregnant mum to know that people are trying to 'take away' the baby as soon as it is born just because they have a 'right' to do so. It's very different emotionally to have a baby in that situation than when in a solid partnership and living together/marriage. I am not suggesting that you are actually behaving in this way - but it is how things can feel or be perceived from the other side. I was 38 at the time, with a huge amount of life experience under my belt so I can only imagine that anything I felt is somewhat magnified when you're younger (and have just lost your mum, bless her).

Obviously, you just want to look out for your son and your grandchild. That is natural and entirely reasonable. Just try and keep yourself in the neutral zone. Mum has a right to decide what happens with the pregnancy and if she's keeping dad informed, she's probably doing the best she can. Go easy on both sides of this - and take care of yourself. It must be hard for you as well. I hope it all works out for the best.

barbiedoll

I don't want to worry you but maybe she is distancing herself from your son because she is having second thoughts about keeping the baby? If her dad has been talking to her, (and I don't think that anyone could blame him) he may have been giving her alternative options to think about.

It's lovely that you are supporting your son and his girlfriend and it's good that he's prepared to shoulder his responsibilities. However, ultimately, all decisions at this stage, are entirely the girlfriends to make. She could, if she wanted to, deny that your son is the father, she could leave him off of the birth certificate and unless you and your son were prepared to go legal and demand DNA tests and so on, there wouldn't be much that you could do. All this talk of who is going to stay where and who has the baby at weekends is a little premature at the moment, the poor girl still has to get her head around the idea of being a parent, she probably can't even imagine what the reality will be like. And her dad is just trying to protect his little girl, he must be feeling very worried, especially without his wife to help him through this.

If GF and her dad want to spend a weekend together without your son, I think that's not necessarily a sign of things "cooling", it could just be that she needs her dad's support at this time. She is very young and she's probably missing her mum terribly now. Don't take offense if your son is not consulted at every stage, they aren't a grown-up married couple (yet!) and she is still going to be influenced by her dad, just as your son is influenced by you. Take things slowly, listen to what she wants, if that means that your son (and you) won't have the baby every weekend at first, so be it. Don't forget, babies soon grow and when she and her dad have a screaming toddler on their hands, they will soon be grateful for the chance of a weekend off!

I hope all goes well for your son and GF, whatever decisions they make.

mummyplus3

I think maybe it would be a good idea to let everybody chill out for a few weeks, when is the first scan? Maybe once mum and dad have seen the baby it will be more real etc.

Are you friendly with the girlfriend, I think she could really use a mother figure right now especially if she lost her mother recently, can you extend yourself too her and to her father I am sure that despite all the mixed feelings and emotions running round right now all 4 of you want whats best for the baby.