Rights as a dad

heretolearn_2

I'm on her dad's side in this. He is looking out for his daughter, and the baby, as first priority.

The chances of their relationship lasting are pretty slim. The chances of a 16 year old boy being able to step up and be a good father are slim (in the sense of supporting the mother emotionally, supporting the family financially, doing his share of the night feeds, dirty nappies, walking round for hours with a crying baby, cleaning the house, ironing baby clothes, cooking dinner etc etc etc...). a 17 year old new mum needs a lot of help and support and her dad is doing his best for her in taking on a role that frankly your son isn't mature enough to do. No matter how lovely your son, no matter how well intentioned, no matter how mature for his age...I'm not digging at him, but I don't blame the dad for taking over under the circumstances rather than leave things to a 16 year old.

I think your son should also start thinking of her and the baby rather than himself, and prove himself over the next couple of years in actions and not just words.

I also find it ridiculous to expect a newborn to spend 5 days in one house with one parent and 2 days in another house with the other parent. This is absolutely selfish and totally against the welfare of the poor baby. this is ok after a few months (assuming it won't interfere with breastfeeding at that stage? Is mum able/willing to express her milk for that long a period?) but not straight away. I can't believe you are kicking up about that.

Have you also considered that actually she doesn't want a long-term relationship with your son and her dad is trying to help her ease away? IF they were grown adults I don't think anyone would be suggesting they should be getting married/living together etc just because of a baby. Young parents can still go on to do well in life, education and work with lots of support. Tying themselves down to the wrong person just because of an accident will drag them down, not help them up. that goes for your son as well. He can still be a good dad with a relationship with his baby if he wants to put the effort in, even if he is no longer in a relationship with the mum.

Pee

he will have some rights, but I think the first most important thing is to concentrate on the relationship - as you suggest - and the second thing whatever happens to keep as positive a relationship with the whole of this other family as he possibly can. The last resort is to go down the contact route.

The girl sounds very immature to me, maybe her age, maybe because she is very scared at the moment and can't imagine coping with a baby without help from her family.

Is she saying if your son found them somewhere to live she would be spending most of the time with her parents?

This seems to me a poor attitude and showing little respect for the father of her child, but equally she may change her mind when her mum keeps telling her how to do things. I don't see that he has any rights to stop that, I don't think you can get a court order for anyone of any age to grow up and act like a woman and to be fair this girl may rise to the challenge. She must be really scared right now and maybe agreeing to anything her Dad says because she's worried about his reaction.

Lozzy88

heretolearn wrote: »

Tying themselves down to the wrong person just because of an accident will drag them down, not help them up. that goes for your son as well. He can still be a good dad with a relationship with his baby if he wants to put the effort in, even if he is no longer in a relationship with the mum.

The baby could be planned, not all teen parents are that way by accident

Either way they both have the potential to be really good parents

lets hope they both get equal opportunity to do so

heretolearn_2

Yes I hope they do both get the chance to try and to succeed with this.

But if a 16 year old and a 17 year old took a deliberate decision to have a baby then someone should knock both their heads together!

Alison_B

No, the baby was not planned. We have not mentioned about the baby staying here 2 nights a week, it was the girlfriend who suggested this to my son but has since changed her mind. All he wants in this is for them to be together and to raise their child. Obviously he is hurting if this is not going to happen.

Had it been that he walked away and wanted nothing to do with this baby, everyone would be up in arms saying how terrible he was for not caring, so why should his feelings not be considered now?

Zoetoes

Googlewhacker wrote: »

Zoetoes wrote: »

As a mother (I'm imagining myself in her shoes now), I wouldn't want my newborn baby away from me for weekends, even if it was with the baby's dad.

Now the other side of it, if it was my son of course I would want him to be involved as much as possible but I think, realistically I'd know that the mum wouldn't be likely to be comfortable about the baby being away for weekends.
QUOTE]

But its ok for the baby to be away from the father for 5 days in the week?

I said as a mother, I can't say what I'd feel like as a father because I've never been one!!

I know when I had my 2nd son and the MIL wanted him round at her house so she 'could have him to herself' I said no, he was newborn and I didn't want to leave him. Granted that is different from the baby being with it's dad but it would still mean leaving a newborn for a weekend, it's hard for a mother.

I'm not in any way at all saying the dad isn't as important in all this, I was suggesting that it would be a good idea if mum and baby could stay over and they could work together.

Zoetoes

Alison_B wrote: »

No, the baby was not planned. We have not mentioned about the baby staying here 2 nights a week, it was the girlfriend who suggested this to my son but has since changed her mind. All he wants in this is for them to be together and to raise their child. Obviously he is hurting if this is not going to happen.

Had it been that he walked away and wanted nothing to do with this baby, everyone would be up in arms saying how terrible he was for not caring, so why should his feelings not be considered now?

Of course his feelings should be considered and yes it is good that he hasn't walked away. Would it not be possible for him to stay there sometimes and the mum and baby stay at yours sometimes? Particularly in the first few weeks so they can bond and start as they mean to go on.

Lozzy88

Zoetoes wrote: »

I was suggesting that it would be a good idea if mum and baby could stay over and they could work together.

this is what seems the best option all round and it might be something that you could get your son and his g/f used to while shes pregnant, so she would also feel at home in yours

But she might already stay at yours in which case ignore me

Alison_B

My son's bedroom isn't big enough to get a double bed into let alone a cot also. Nothing has been mentioned about him stopping over at hers, even when we have mentioned it previously. That would be the best idea so that he could help with the night feeds etc.

Lozzy88

while i was pregnant i visited relatives i shared a single with my partner its not ideal i must agree

you could look in to getting a sofa bed or a double futon to go up in the day as a chair when you need the space and pull out at night when need to sleep

i dont mean to post so much its just its nice to think of all possibilities and i know about small bedrooms i had what was basically a coffin when i was younger all you could fit in was a cabin bed, not cool one your past 11/12 lol when i was around 15 i was bought a single futon which was a god send at the time