Brother and SIL splitting up-advice needed! (long)

Pollycat

MrsBryan
I do appreciate how difficult it must be for you to stay neutral as your sympathy and loyalty is with your brother who is the 'innocent' party on all of this.

But in the long run, it will be for the best.
You never know if they'll get back together sometime in the future and anything you say or do now may be remembered and thrown back at you.

Pollycat wrote: »

I think your question about what constitutes adultery (kissing or sex) is totally irrelevant.
Your SIL seemed pretty sure she doesn't want to continue in her marriage so does it really matter whether she's been unfaithful or not?

MrsBryan wrote: »

I do think it matters if she's been unfaithful Pollycat, would you say the same if it was the other way around and my brother was kissing, phoning and texting other women?

Actually, I would say the same if it was the other way round.

What I was getting at is that it sounded to me that in your first post that you and your Dad were discussing if your brother had grounds for divorce for adultery and it might be that your SIL divorces your brother instead of the other way round, especially as she sounds so eager to be off.

ETA
MrsBryan
please don't think I'm being harsh or unsympathetic to your brother's situation and your feelings.

I just meant that who did what to whom and who's guilty or innocent shouldn't really be the prime issue in the current circumstances.
Your brother needs to be sure he's treated fairly in any division of assets (and debts) and that the children are disprupted as little as possible in such distressing circumstances.

swingaloo

This is from your other thread ---

the first thing I wanted to do is phone her as I was so angry! But my brother begged me not to while they try to work things out. I obviously feel awful for my brother and the kids, but I am also very angry because we're very close and certain things have happened under my nose. If they work things out, I'll have a quiet word in her ear and then forget about it but I also want her to know how upset I am with how she's behaving.


Please, please, please, leave this between your brother and his wife. However close you are to these two people you will never know the inside workings of thier marriage. Be there to listen to your sister in law (if you are asked) but please dont then ring your brother to relay everything however tempting. Better to tell her that you would prefer not to know and encourage her to talk to your brother instead.

Interference, however well meant can backfire and make things worse. They may have a chance to 'get over' this period but it will be so much harder if she ends up feeling that the family as a whole are against her. Whatever her behaviour, she wasnt happy with your brother.

I come from a large family and was married over 20 years when I left my husband. Your sister in law didnt just wake up one morning and think 'this marriage is over, I want to be single', there is so much more in the background of thier maririage that you will probably never know.

Be there for them but please dont try to keep them together or split them up, leave it to them.

LittleMrsThrifty

Having been in your brothers position (albeit without kids) I would suggest the following

1) seek legal advice asap
2) stay firm - it is his house and his children too. If she wants to go and live elsewhere she can but he should stay put until they have a legal arrangement in place that they are both happy with
3) maintain a high standard of morals - and that includes you. Your brother will have to move on with his life and that is so much easier if he can hold his head up high and say, hand on heart, he did nothing wrong.

foreign_correspondent

It's difficult, I have been on the other side of this - I split from my ex last year (his decision) and one of the things that really upset me was the thought that his sister may want nothing to do with me - I have known her since she was a kid, and I love her children - even though I am not an 'auntie' by blood, I have always been an auntie to them - and I have no kids of my own. Luckily, I bumped into her, and it turned out she felt the same - she sees me as being like the big sister she never had, and was worried I wouldnt want to keep in touch with her and the kids. Tears and hugs followed, and we both decided to make sure that we stayed in touch, whatever.

Now, we are still good friends, thankfully - but I have had to be careful about trying not to drag her into the middle of anything - my ex is still her brother and it's not fair on her for me to be awful about him - blood is thicker than water, and I know if it was my brother, I would feel defensive of him, even if I know he wasnt blameless! We have spoken about this, and we both understand the situation... and realise that there are certain boundaries to stick to, in order to maintain a good friendship.

If you want to stay friends with the SIL, which would be wise long term, I suggest that you don't get too involved right now - support your brother by all means, but do reconise that he can only tell you one side of the story - no one really knows what goes off in other people's relationships, and its very easy to get drawn into taking sides. Whatever the reasons, if it hasnt worked for them, its very sad, but it will be far nicer for their kids if you can accpet that, not get involved in rows, and if decent family relationships are maintained all round.

FatVonD

Don't let him move out of the house, if she wants to be single then let her be single, without all the accoutrements(?) that being part of a marriage brings.

Nottoobadyet

I feel for your SIL. Waking up and feeling (justified or not) that you are not loved in the in relationship that you've dedicated your entire adult life to must be painful. For all the obvious reasons, I feel for your brother too.

I echo everyone else's advice to stay out as best you can.

MrsBryan_2

Thank you all again, some very good advice there. He will be getting some sort of legal advice this week, I've offered to go with him if he needs support. They both are trying to be amicable and neither one of them wants to get nasty which is a bonus. Neither of them are nasty in their nature and they're both brilliant parents, so I'm sure in the long run, they can be civil for the kids. I will just stay out of it, make sure him and the kids are ok, and give support where I can.

MakeMeWise, my nephew is a bit quiet, just taking it all in. He's 14, so at that crucial age, hormones raging....I'm a bit worried for him in the long run but I know they'll do the best they can to help him. All my niece said was, "Can I have a green bedroom at yours Mummy, and an orange bedroom at Daddy's?" So she seems to be ok at the moment. Not sure they understand whats going on though, as they're both living together for the moment it might change when the actually split up and live seperately.

I'm not sure at this point if we can be friends again, it's all happened so fast, and obviously you can't just switch your feelings off. Even her own mum, sister, and brother have phoned my brother and are gobsmacked for what she's done, they just could not believe it, it's so out of character. They have told my brother that they are there for him too, which is nice.

Sad situation all round really. I know it happens so often in this world but when it happens to someone close to you it just hits you all straight in the face.

Thanks xx

themull1

I had been with my partner 13 years, two kids, only got married in 2009, he went really distant, moved out of the house in Jan this year, and i've since found out he's going out with a 25 year old (im 42) its really really hard, we try and be civil for the kids sake, anyway, the point i'm trying to make is even after something like this happens, the kids will bounce back, they will cope better than you think, my kids were upset to start with, now they say that they're not bothered!

I really feel for your brother, i know exactly how it feels when your world falls apart, but eventually, he will start feeling better, being busy is good, takes your mind off it for a bit.

Pollycat

MrsBryan
I think I must have missed your most recent post.

It's good to hear that your brother & SIL will try hard not to mess the kids up.
I think they're both at an important stage in their education so it's really important to do your best to maintain an equilibrium.

I do understand why you feel that you maybe can't be friends with your SIL, maybe time will change that.

I hope that this situation doesn't spoil YOUR big day next month.

January20

jackieglasgow wrote: »

My advice would be to keep your nose out, sorry if that sounds harsh but your brother needs to sort things out for himself, other people getting involved will only make it worse for everyone.

Excellent piece of advice!

And don't take sides and brand your SIL as a harlot as frankly you are not privy to the day to day details of their life together so you don't know what has really been going on!

You have no right to think about "punishing her". She is an adult in a relationship that makes her unhappy. For whatever reason. You can only accept it.

Remember that there are children involved and that if you start a war with her, the children will be the ones suffering.