Feeling broody

Nimeth

Apologies for the double post, but my OH mentioned something in passing last night and now I'm confused!

We were watching a show about teenagers and sex ed and he mentioned that one things that puts him off having kids is that they'll eventually become teenagers. He elaborated by saying that he didn't particularly enjoy his adolescence (though mine was ok) and he worried about putting someone else through that. After which I got a telling off for talking about it, even though he was the one that brought it up.

I don't follow his logic on that one and haven't a clue how to respond to it. Anyone else understand what he's talking about?

Plans_all_plans

Yeah I think I know what he's on about: maybe he means that he felt alone with no-one to talk to or sound off to? I sometimes felt like this, my parents were very 'removed' as it were, they wouldn't talk to us about things that I'd like to be able to talk to my DD about. It was quite lonely at times.

I also felt like my parents (mum particularly) constantly tried to control me and not let me be my own person. As a result I went into full blown rebellion and was an absolute TERROR. I have no idea how my parents didn't end up sending me away: I was rude, disrespectful, went out at all hours doing all sorts, I was violent, obnoxious and downright nasty. I am terrified our 4 year old could end up the same!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Hm - I wonder whether this is your OH trying to come up with any excuse possibe rather than saying he doesnt want kids? Maybe he's worried you'll leave him?

Nimeth

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Hm - I wonder whether this is your OH trying to come up with any excuse possibe rather than saying he doesnt want kids? Maybe he's worried you'll leave him?

I don't think so. I specifically asked him about that and he said he would definitely tell me if he didn't want them. I also told him that I have no intention of leaving him even if he doesn't want them, so he's got no reason to be making excuses as far as I can see. I think he's very confused himself!

Thanks for the insight Plans. My mother was very one to one with me, if I had a question she'd talk to me about it. Perhaps that is what he's feeling as I got the impression that most of his parents' time was occupied with his sister and he got shunted off to the side.

Plans_all_plans

To be honest, I think he's just a young guy who doesn't like the thought of all the responsibility that children bring. They are a big responsibility, but really I think you're better off getting on with it while you're young, rather than waiting for some point in the future where "you'll know you're ready". I know that I've never felt ready for kids and I'm 25 with a 4 year old!

I know now that I'd never have been able to pin my husband down on the subject of children, so it's a good job we fell pregnant unexpectedly 5 months into our relationship really!

Kalama

Me and my OH sat down together and come up with a wish list. This is a list of everything we can think of that we would like to do - from little things like having a nice kitchen and going on weekends away to big things like re-training for a different career. Everything went on the list - all the things we wish we had done and would still like to.

We then went through and worked out what impact having kids would have on our list (surprisingly little - a few compromises here and there!). It really helped me to see everything in perspective. It also spurred me on to actually do a load of the things I have been wanting to do for ages!

It's helped me work out my fears that having kids would mean giving up my identity or my goals. Maybe your OH may find it helpful to do something like this?

Nimeth

I think the list is a good idea. I will certainly suggest that if he brings the subject up again. I'm happy to wait till my early 30s to have kids, so I'm not in a rush, but indecision is hard wait out.:o

Does anyone really feel ready for children?:p

janninew

Nimeth wrote: »

I think the list is a good idea. I will certainly suggest that if he brings the subject up again. I'm happy to wait till my early 30s to have kids, so I'm not in a rush, but indecision is hard wait out.:o

Does anyone really feel ready for children?:p

I thought I was ready for children and then the blue line appeared and I was in a right old panic (we had been trying for a baby though, so not unexpected!!)
I think the worries your hubby is having are quite normal and I would be really pleased that he is able to talk things through. You are only young still, so no great rush. Just keep talking and planning (I'm a planner and feel better if things are written down and planned ahead).

I wish you the best of luck.

bettyB_2

Nimeth wrote: »

Apologies for the double post, but my OH mentioned something in passing last night and now I'm confused!

We were watching a show about teenagers and sex ed and he mentioned that one things that puts him off having kids is that they'll eventually become teenagers. He elaborated by saying that he didn't particularly enjoy his adolescence (though mine was ok) and he worried about putting someone else through that. After which I got a telling off for talking about it, even though he was the one that brought it up.

I don't follow his logic on that one and haven't a clue how to respond to it. Anyone else understand what he's talking about?

My OH and a lot of my friends are the same - they dont like the idea of having to raise teenagers! but it's only a small unenjoyable time of life - I dont remember my teen years very fondly but I am glad I went though them, they are character building! it's an important part of parenthood watching your kids turn into adults - but it is YEARS away yet, so not need to panic about it so prematurely.

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

They are a big responsibility, but really I think you're better off getting on with it while you're young, rather than waiting for some point in the future where "you'll know you're ready". I know that I've never felt ready for kids and I'm 25 with a 4 year old!

This is what I have been talking to my OH about a lot recently - he maintains that he's not ready and doesnt feel like a 'dad' figure yet (which is fine we have agreed we are going to spend a year or so sorting our careers out before ttc - we are only 25, but i have had to broach the subject as we have been together ages and i wanted to make sure we are on the same page) but I have had to reiterate to him that I truly dont think anyone feels completely 'ready' - it's a slow process, ttc, then being preggers, then having a baby, then a toddler, etc. no one is going to drop a teenager on your doorstep without warning and expect you to handle it! :rotfl:it's a learning curve that most people dont feel entirely ready for until they are going through it.

I can see your OH's point of view, but you're never going to wake up and suddenly realise ' oh yeah, i'm ready for a baby'!

digitalphase

I think your hubby is like a lot of men, quite like my bloke actually, in the initial post.

We discussed kids and he said he'd want them with me but was worried for x amount of reasons.

I fell pregnant accidentally whilst on The Pill, and he said after he was surprised how happy he was as he thought he wasn't ready. Unfortunately we then went on to loose that pregnancy, but I am now pregnant again, and after the initial worries I'd loose this one as well, he is looking forward to being a dad.

We're only on one income but we'll survive. Our baby will be well looked after and loved.

I think counselling may be a good thing for both of you, and maybe you could address his fears and reassure him that many of us fall pregnant unexpectedly but we always get through it. For us, abortion never even entered our head, it just wasn't an option. We love each other and have created a new life.

Good luck, sorry if my post is a bit waffled