Feeling broody

Nimeth

Basically I've started feeling broody in the last couple of months. My issue is that I know I definitely want to have children, my OH isn't sure yet.

We're married (yes I know we should have discussed this before we married), I'm 27, he's 28. Our relationship is pretty solid, been together 10 years (married for 2 of those), we never row and we always talk things out when we have problems or disagreements. Obviously I love him to bits and he feels the same and he says if he did have kids, they would be with me.

We've already had a couple of talks where we discussed the matter and he revealed some of his fears to me. He says that he hasn't 100% ruled out having them and it is a change from how he used to feel in his early 20s, which was that he did not want children. But then I thought I didn't want my own either till I hit about 25, then I changed my mind. He's still undecided! His main fears are:

- financial as in we may struggle to afford to raise them
- our own relationship would suffer
- he might be a bad father
- he won't be able to do some of things he wants to do

He also wants me to tell him why I want them and some of the positives of having children. I struggle to put this into words, partly because I don't know what it's like being a parent. Also, I used to babysit for neighbours and friends a lot. Some of them just wanted to watch movies all the time, but others' favourite activities was to go to the park and play football and play with me. I remember how good I felt watching those kids but I just can't seem to vocalise it and I know he would like an answer. How can I put something non-tangible into words?

It's not that he doesn't like kids, he does and he absolutely dotes on his nephews (my sister's children) when he sees them and enjoys playing with them. I don't know if this is relevant or an indicator of anything, but when he was in high school (he was 15-16) his mother got pregnant by accident and he was very upset about it. When the baby was born, he then refused to let anyone else hold her, he wanted to cuddle her all the time! Perhaps he's just one of those men who are nervous and unsure right up till they're holding the baby?

The other difference is that he tends to view things negatively, he's very pessimistic. I try and look at things positively and I've tried to reassure him that I'd do my best to put effort into our relationship and have "just the two of us time" if we had kids, as would he. I also don't see why he can't do some things he's wanted to do if we have kids. Yes it might take more planning and forethought, but it shouldn't stop him enjoying himself. I also can't see him being a bad father, while he's mature and responsible, he's a big kid at heart himself and I think those guys make the best dads.:p

I'm also slightly confused because while he says he's unsure, we've also had the "how many" discussion. He says if he did want them, he sees himself with one child, while I see myself with two. He confessed that one of his other worries was that if we had one, I would then demand another. I wouldn't do this to him, I told him that if we did have one, we could wait a couple or a few years and see how we both feel then. If he's still adamant he doesn't want another, I wouldn't push him.

I suggested that we also talk to a third party to get some outside perspective. I'd like to talk to my mother but he thinks his family/friends would be biased and would rather talk to a therapist/counsellor, which is fine. What would be a good organisation for him to go to for this issue? Relate? Or someone else?

Other than that, how can I push these broody feelings into the background? They're quite distracting at the moment and neither of us is ready for children whatever my OH decides.

I should make a couple of things clear though, while I obviously hope that he will decide he wants children, I have absolutely no intention of pushing him into having children or making a decision if he's not ready to make one, even if it is frustrating for me hanging out in limbo not knowing one way or the other. I also have no intention of splitting up, I love him too much to be able to do that.

Sorry for the mini-novel!:o

fannyanna

I think it's really positive that he's suggested you both go and speak to a counsellor.

Get an appointment booked and take it from there x

Nimeth

fannyanna wrote: »

I think it's really positive that he's suggested you both go and speak to a counsellor.

Get an appointment booked and take it from there x

Yes, he very much hates sweeping things under the carpet and hoping they just go away, something I'm certainly glad of!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Just thought i would clear a few of his points. He may/may not be aware - and you also.

financial - depending on your Household Income you may be entitled to WTC and CTC - you will also recieve £20.30 CB every week for first born.

Buying things - it doesnt actually cost that much providing you find best deal and DONT over spend!

My dd is 4 and to be honest, i dont notice myself buying "extra" food - She eats same as us (as a baby I breast fed so no formula costs!) and when weaning i just mashed up whatever i was having.

Relationship - Ok, so you probably wont have much "us" time in the beginning. But once in a routine you'll be fine! DD is in bed by 7pm, thats "our" time. If we want to go out - we get a babysitter. things like restaurants/cinema/swimming etc - Dd comes along too! to be honest though, when we're out and DD is with grandparents etc - i really do miss her lol

Bad father - how does he know?! as long as theres LOADS of kisses, cuddles, child is clean, safe and happy then he'll be fine! plus he has you to help!

giving up things - providing its planned for, then no, he wont have to give things up. You may find you get more out of it. Before DD i never went camping/days out - now we take DD all over AND you get to go in the soft play areas and go down the slides lol :T

It is good your not pushing him though. I wonder if your OH is scared?

Nimeth

Thanks Mimi!

I think a lot of it is that he's scared, he gets very nervous about change. This is why I'd like him to talk to someone impartial and I'm glad he agrees.

I suspect he sees the way his sister parents (and gripes about not being able to do things) and gets nervous. I have to remind him of the way my own sister parents, which is completely the opposite and the way I'd like to parent myself.

I understand his financial concerns too, he's the main breadwinner currently. I don't have a full time job (though not from lack of trying on my part!). He's possibly afraid that having kids would stifle any ambitions I have. I don't see why they should, I have qualifications that don't prohibit me from working from home if I choose to.

belfastgirl23

You've mentioned a couple of times that he should go and seek counselling which i think is good. But I'd suggest that this isn't just about him, it's about you as a couple and potentially as a family. I'd say you need to go along together at first and then figure out whether he should go alone for a session or two.

ladymarmalade1970

From the sounds of things you have a fantastic relationship and you still have plenty of time so i wouldn't worry too much. I bet he will come round in the end. A couple of months to discuss having children isn't really that long at all in the grand scales of things. I wish you every happiness and also agree with everything Mimi Arc en ciel posted as well.
Speaking to an independent person is a good idea but if you have only decided less than a couple of months ago that you want them i would hang off for a bit. You probably won't need one.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Speak to friends with kids who work both full and part time (if you can). I went back to work full time when DD was born and hated it. I hardly saw DD, was tired etc. I now work part time (3 days) Dd is in a private nursery (and has been since she was little) and its brilliant! we have "mummy and DD" days on a Monday and a Friday where we do what DD wants and then weekends are family time

Nimeth

I intend to let him decide when he wants to go talk to someone and whether he wants me to come with him, so he at least feels like he has some control of his own. I'd like to go with him of course, but only if he's ok with that. I want him to comfortable talking about it.

I'm not sure why I brought it up now as I know neither of us are ready for kids now, but I'm glad I did. I think he feels like he at least has some time to think things over rather than being rushed.

I think he's already had a couple of chats to his colleagues with kids, don't know what they said though.

onlyroz

Nimeth wrote: »

He's possibly afraid that having kids would stifle any ambitions I have. I don't see why they should, I have qualifications that don't prohibit me from working from home if I choose to.

Do you both assume that it would be *you* to have your "ambitions stifled"? There is no reason for you (or him) to stifle your career because of children. You can either both work and put your child into childcare, or one of you (and not necessarily you) can reduce your hours. If your husband is worried about your career prospects then would he consider, in years to come, reducing his hours to (e.g.) allow him to pick up the kid(s) from school?

Nimeth

onlyroz wrote: »

Do you both assume that it would be *you* to have your "ambitions stifled"? There is no reason for you (or him) to stifle your career because of children. You can either both work and put your child into childcare, or one of you (and not necessarily you) can reduce your hours. If your husband is worried about your career prospects then would he consider, in years to come, reducing his hours to (e.g.) allow him to pick up the kid(s) from school?

I think we do assume that yes. Obviously I don't think kids would stifle my ambitions, but I didn't think that he could reduce his own hours if he wanted too. It would certainly be something for him to consider.