Giving up!

jjj1980

Grateforhelp, it was really that I had Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP that caused her to be early but she was fully engaged by 34wks so I have a feeling she was going to come earlyanyway. No, didn't think you were having a crack at anyone. I totally agree with you!! Sounds like our exs are quite similar!

Mine saw little one today, first words to her were not hello but telling her he had been ill all week and then spent the whole hour trying to convinve me that SHE wasn't up to being at the play centre and should we just leave it till next week??!! I just kept encouraging her to play more as I knew it was really him that didn't want to be there! Oh, and told her the big present he promised her weeks ago isn't coming now as he is going away with friends shortly!! Then has the gall to be difficult with me as I've managed to sell some bits and pieces of baby stuff to buy her a new bed and toys and pay for a few days at Primrose Valley for her and me. Its good I just shake it all off as soon as the hours over and just go back to making sure she is well cared for and happy otherwise it would do my head in!!

PlayingHardball

Clearingout...I share your 'stubborness'! lol I really do! I think it takes a huge load of it to stick by all that we do.

As for letting things get to you. The secret really is to put it all on the back-burner and let things slowly simmer away, ever so often give the pot a stir. I went for the full Nacsa support and it is the best £15 per month I've every spent. Money is tight but I made a way to afford this little luxury, and just knowing that someone else is fighting my corner for me lessens the frustration and stress greatly.

Still....some days are up and down and we all just need to be positive. We'll get em!

Loopy_Girl

I would say don't give up...I argued, cried, hit walls and was incredulous at my ex's ways of worming out (which I won't list, just in case he is on the site!!!) and after 8 years I finally started - and am still getting - regular maintenance...I am even tentively kinda in a sorta way expecting it every month now!!!

I also have a really good admin type person who I always speak to (go Chris in Bolton:D) and I am mostly getting regular payments towards my arrears.

Have to say that the huge change for me was changing from CS1 to CS2...they don't hang about in CS2 as they did in CS1 where he got eons of chances to pay or contact them. I also think a wee IUC may have put the willies up him too!

But it's very fresh the arguing and pleading with the CSA and the sheer despair of a person not willing to contribute to their child...but I would agree with DX2, I do believe that some NRP's (mine included) are hoping that you give up (clearly slipped my ex's mind what a stubborn mare I was!!!)

There used to be a poster on here (male PWC who was getting diddly squat) who said something that always stuck with me and that was to never give up....your children deserve it

Hopefully hearing after 8 years I finally got what my daughter deserved will give someone else the strength to carry on...and if not, there is always rose wine:beer:

FBaby

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

There used to be a poster on here (male PWC who was getting diddly squat) who said something that always stuck with me and that was to never give up....your children deserve it

I trully understand the desire to keep fighting, but I don't agree with this statement. What children deserve is to be well look after, loved, ideally by both parents, and grow in a secure environment. If fighting means that relationship with their dad is compromised, or the stress of the fight is affecting the pwc which as a result is affecting the child, then no, it is not worth it for the child, it is worth it for the pwc who has to work hard to make up for what the nrp is not contributing.

Loopy_Girl

Sometimes the claiming of child support isn't neccesarily for financial gain though.

And whilst I also agree with a PWC not adding to their stress, why should they have to work harder - thus potentially being always tired and/or spending more time away from their child whilst they are in nursery etc - when, as you quite rightly say, a child has a basic right to be looked after by both parents.

So if this means that one does all/most of the physical caring but both parents take care of the financial care then yes, I do believe that it is worth it to fight for your childs rights.

clearingout

The things about 'working harder' - it's not really about that, is it. I have three young children. I am lucky in that I have an education and a ton of good work experience. But I don't earn a great deal. If I was on minimum wage, had no car and sole responsibility for the care of three children, I don't see how I could work - drop off at school at 9am, get on the bus, go to work, be back for 3:15pm? Or put the children in childcare and pay 30% of that from a minimum wage job? How is that supposed to work? It doesn't matter whether or not I 'worked harder', the figures just wouldn't add up, would they? Not all of us are going to earn 'good' money no matter how hard we work. And maybe single parenting is the catalyst for many to get out there and make something of their lives and that's fantastic, but it doesn't mean that having children should mean they are 100% responsible for them when dad is alive and well and out there working!

The court system needs to work faster. For those NRP's who refuse to make contact with the CSA (my ex won't pick up the phone to them, or respond to their letters at all), very swift action needs to be taken to secure compliance - some kind of fast tracking into court, using the police to arrest them to get them into court, not chance after chance after chance to face up to their responsibilities. It is not OK that nearly two and half years after separating, my ex isn't making regular contributions towards his children but he is taking regular holidays. I know that his behaviour isn't tolerated by the majority and that it is technically 'illegal' to behave in his way, so why is it not being dealt with?

FBaby

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Sometimes the claiming of child support isn't neccesarily for financial gain though.

And whilst I also agree with a PWC not adding to their stress, why should they have to work harder - thus potentially being always tired and/or spending more time away from their child whilst they are in nursery etc - when, as you quite rightly say, a child has a basic right to be looked after by both parents.

So if this means that one does all/most of the physical caring but both parents take care of the financial care then yes, I do believe that it is worth it to fight for your childs rights.

What other gain is there? Applying for maintenance is not about equality, fairness and right, it is about doing what is best for the children. In most cases, the nrp pays, either directly or via csa without problem and it is great. Other time, the pwc really can't come even close to providing the lifestyle she would want for her children, within reasonable means of course, and assuming the nrp is financially stable, there is a very good reason to go fight for it. In other cases, the pwc struggles, but the nrp will never really provide adequately, either because he doesn't work, or cheat the system or is in and out of jobs and the financial reward might not be worth the energy put into it, similarly, in some cases, the pwc is doing well and can provide without the nrp and again, the financial gain is not worth the reward.

I think in some cases, the moral fight is between the nrp and pwc, not for the true right of the children.

gratefulforhelp_2

clearingout wrote: »

Bitterness is something I think my ex has a huge dose of, that and the need to control me. He has no right to be bitter - he had an affair, he left me and it's me who has struggled as a result of him pushing everything into the girlfriend's name. But he is bitter my mum had the cash to pay my legal fees and did so without question and bitter she also stumped up a large sum to make sure that we were housed in a decent area with good schools. It will also have got him that I'm getting on with my life perfectly well without him and that by and large, the children are happy. Oh and it will also have got him that neither CAFCASS nor Social Services found me to be the unfit mother he was so sure I was! There is a lot to smile about, quietly.

In his mind, though, you have done this to him...

jjj1980 wrote: »

Oh, and told her the big present he promised her weeks ago isn't coming now as he is going away with friends shortly!

I am totally failing to understand the logic of this, DD1's birthday presents were in the post, then he was bringing them next time as he forgot, then she had them all already...why promise material stuff if you have no intention of following through? She isn't materialistic at all, bless her, and she wouldn't care, but when he makes promises she looks forward to it...

jjj1980

Gratefulforhelp, all I can come up with is that they think it makes them look the big wonderful father, making these promises then they go away and either forget totally till the next time and then have to come up with an excuse or they just say it to try and get at us, the mothers, and then either can't or don't bother follow through.

I know my little one is only 18mnths old so this type of promise from him means very little to her at the moment but she is learning very quickly and it won't be too long before she does understand. Don't think i'll ever be able to get my head round how you can willingly let a child down.

skintlady34

FBaby wrote: »

I trully understand the desire to keep fighting, but I don't agree with this statement. What children deserve is to be well look after, loved, ideally by both parents, and grow in a secure environment. If fighting means that relationship with their dad is compromised, or the stress of the fight is affecting the pwc which as a result is affecting the child, then no, it is not worth it for the child, it is worth it for the pwc who has to work hard to make up for what the nrp is not contributing.

I dont agree with this. Having raised one child without the financial help of her father I will fight for what my youngest child deserves. I've worked all my life until recently to put food in my eldests belly and clothes on her back and its a very very stressful life. Just 20 quid a week would have helped me and made my life a lot easier, it would have paid for her clothes, or her school dinners. Anything would have been a help. I will do everything within my power to get my youngests father to contribute no matter how hard I have to fight. Today she is wearing clothes that dont fit her properly while he's sitting in the pub. I will fight as hard as I have to to get what she deserves. As far as I am concerned the stress of not being able to clothe my child decently far outweighs the stress of ringing the CSA every week.