Giving up!

PlayingHardball

Clearingout...I hope you don't close the CSA case. I'd leave it open and do as DX or someone said, just let things happen, they will in due course if you keep nudging things every so often.

As for the comment made about these men that don't pay and you only really know someone AFTER a separation when money comes into the equation. How true! My ex hasn't paid anything for almost 3 years (I was lucky before this time as he was completely on CSA radar with no way of escaping) and he can certainly afford to pay, how can he feel it is right not to? It is quite galling to google his name and see him pop up in successful stories of the work he's involved in with his latest job - a lucrative entertainment industry. His companies website describe all of their staff members as 'heroes'! LOLOL I have been so close to writting a letter to the CEO's and tell them that this man's daughter certainly doesn't see her dad as a 'Hero'. I see him as scum and the lowest of the low. He would see his daughter do without as long as he has all his money to himself.

As for those Laura Ashley Lamps - don't sell them! Kids understand what we're doing, and what we can't do.

Now Dutr, I don't know if you've ever answered this question, but why don't you want to see your child? I admire you for paying, but can't quite get around the thought of not wanting to be involved with your child. You are a regular on this forum, so you take a keen interest in the issues surrounding child support etc, so I'm just curious why?

DUTR

PlayingHardball wrote: »

Clearingout...I hope you don't close the CSA case. I'd leave it open and do as DX or someone said, just let things happen, they will in due course if you keep nudging things every so often.
snip

Now Dutr, I don't know if you've ever answered this question, but why don't you want to see your child? I admire you for paying, but can't quite get around the thought of not wanting to be involved with your child. You are a regular on this forum, so you take a keen interest in the issues surrounding child support etc, so I'm just curious why?

I agree don't close the case, I was going to reply to the post before but then deleted it,
PHB I have answered the question maybe you missed it, my child is now as much a stranger to me as she is to you, I didn't want to hijack this thread. The last time I visited I was in the 'doghouse' and I had done nothing wrong, a 60-80 mile round trip 3 or 4 times a week after a days work is not really worth it to be treated in any kind of malice

SingleSue

The catalyst for my ex husband starting to pay was his mother! Both my parents and his mum go to the same social event every week, his mum was crowing to my parents about how her son supports his children and was very shocked and angry when my parents informed her he hadn't paid a penny for the year we had been apart by that stage.

Cue one very angry mum getting in touch with her son and telling him that no son of hers would abandon his children financially....poor sod got a right ear bashing and he started paying within a week.

Now if only she could work on him the same to get him to actually have a relationship with them.......

I cannot fault her to be honest, even as the ex mother in law, she has been a godsend at times to us, always willing to come to the hospital at the drop of a hat to relieve me for a few hours so I can wash and change when one of the boys have been admitted...I have a better relationship with her now than when I was married to her son for all those years!

SingleSue

clearingout wrote: »

Yes, you're not wrong there! Out of interest, what are people's experiences in terms of discussing maintenance? For example, my ex has avoided any discussion whatsoever about money but never has he said he won't pay maintenance, he just doesn't! He's also incredibly manipulative in that he will say and do the right thing at the right time (so he made one payment, through the CSA, literally a week before we were due in court on a maintenance pending suit hearing and part of his argument for not needing to pay was that he was now paying child maintenance which would obviously help cover the gap - of course, he'd started paying so the judge took him at his word...no payments since!) but then doesn't act. Definately a case of actions (or lack of) speak louder than words!

In need of a good scream tonight! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rotfl:

I don't dare ask for an increase...it has stayed the same since the start! I know that if I did broach the subject (we do not use the CSA), he would probably stop paying, if I dared to get the CSA involved, he would give up his job just to get back at me.

So I keep the status quo out of fear...something is better than nothing at all.

DX2

clearingout wrote: »

so is the answer to walk away from it?

I get the feeling that you are in a really crappy place at the moment :grouphug:Don't give up your children are entitled to support from their father, you will kick yourself if you close your case with the CSA when you get out of that dark place. Just keep posting on here, let it out here. There are many who know exactly how you are feeling at this minute in time.

He really isn't going to suddenly hand you cash every week if you stop the CSA. And yes to a degree I do actually believe there is a degree of control in all of this.

FBaby

I've decided to give up because the benefits were not worth what I could possibly get. My ex has always been bad at paying, like jjj1980, it's not that he says he doesn't want to pay, but that he can't. He comes up with every excuse and lie in the books (i liked the 'I don't understand why it wasn't transferred to your account, my bank said it come out of mine, I will call them to investigate' which of course doesn't result to any resolution...). He also gets very abusive and shouting at me and as a consequence, it affects the kids. Once he threw his credit card at my face in front of our boy, another he told him to give it me shouting unpleasant things.

I have never been to the csa, because he has been in and out of jobs since we separated including some self employment. He had paid some months when he had a decent job, agreed on a sum lower than what csa would have requested, but that only lasted until he lost the job, ie a few months. He now is expecting a baby with his girfriend who herself already has two children, and has been claiming all the benefits she could. I don't need the money he would be told to pay me, but of course it would help, but for me it is more a matter of principle. He sees his kids every week-end, and more or less whenever he wants, I would never stop contact. Really, he is using the fact that I am not the type to fight, especially when my children are involved. I pay for after school club for them including the day he picks them up. I do all the travelling. Ok, I moved, but only 1/2 hour away, but considering he is not paying a penny, he could at times make an effort to drive, he never does. Worse is I pay full price holiday club as I work full-time and get no help from him financially for it, or help with childcare. I feel that considering his girlfriend is benefiting vastly from the fact he pays nothing towards his two kids (so all goes towards her and her children), she could make an effort and suggest looking after them a day or two during the holidays, but no, of course not.

I know that if i stop to fight it, his behaviour and the lack of way forward with the csa will eat me inside. That with the effect it will have on the kids, I just can't be bothered. I hate the fact that he abuses it, always taking more and more, but hey, I am doing it for the kids not him. Maybe one day they will realise what is going on, maybe not, it doesn't matter, what does is that I will have a good conscience that I have been a devoted mum.

gratefulforhelp_2

jjj1980 wrote: »

Gratefulforhelp, my little one was also planned during marriage, in a way - wedding had been booked for 8 months and plans made to try for a baby whilst on honeymoon but fell pregnant whilst on pill. So she was planned, she was just impatient! Which proved itself when she arrived 6 weeks early lol.

Bless her. Hope you don't think I was making a crack at unmarried parents, just it is easier to feel sympathy for NRP who has had a one night stand and been unlucky...condom split et.c et.c than someone who has planned a baby and then decided the reality was not as glamorous as the idea of it.

clearing out don't bother trying to guess his motivation, as my dear DH says...it is much more likely to be stupidity than a conspiracy, and as for me, I will not have any conversations as I get lied to extensively and the only way to keep a track of what is true is to get it down in writing so I can refer back - and prove that I am not going mad and that was really what was said IYSWIM?

skintlady34

Clearingout please dont walk away. I have a 17 year old who's father has somehow got out of paying for for 17 years despite using the CSA for the whole time. After having no contact with csa for a few years i recontacted them last year, was advised to close the case and go from CSA1 to CSA2. Turns out this wasnt the best advise i could have been given but at least it has gone forward somewhat, thre is now a liability orer in place so hopefully i may get soemoney at last. As he is self employed and has declared his earnings to be very low,its only 5 quid a week he has to pay, but for me its the principle rather than the money.
Im now battling father of the youngest, my eldest daughter was born when i was very young from a relationship that wasnt very serious,but the youngest was planned, we tried for years to have her, we were married and i have the same problems trying to get him to contribute as most of you seem to have. it isnt possible to have a civil conversation with him about it, i get the same abuse as other people have said, dont know why when all I wanted was a bit of money or help with bringing her up. He has bought a couple of items of clothes for her, and recently a coat, but the clothes he keeps at his house, she only goes there one day a week so whats the point! As far as i am concerned its all about bitterness, i left him so its the only way he can get back at me as such, childish considering its the children that end up losing out, but i refuse to let it go this time, i never really pushed it with the eldest but theres no way im gonna do that with the youngest, im determined to get her what she deserves and what i am legally entitled to get.
Good luck to everyone else who is having these problems, its beyond me how any man can see his child go without if they have the resources to contribute.

clearingout

thanks everyone. I won't be closing the case - I'm too stubborn for that but perhaps need to take a bit of a back seat from it all and get on with my life. I spend far too much time trying to catch him out, I guess!

Sue - you made me laugh about your ex's mum being the catalyst to payment. I tried that one, once, when my ex's mum called me about 6 months after he left me. It obviously had no effect but was worth a go!

Bitterness is something I think my ex has a huge dose of, that and the need to control me. He has no right to be bitter - he had an affair, he left me and it's me who has struggled as a result of him pushing everything into the girlfriend's name. But he is bitter my mum had the cash to pay my legal fees and did so without question and bitter she also stumped up a large sum to make sure that we were housed in a decent area with good schools. It will also have got him that I'm getting on with my life perfectly well without him and that by and large, the children are happy. Oh and it will also have got him that neither CAFCASS nor Social Services found me to be the unfit mother he was so sure I was! There is a lot to smile about, quietly.

Just wish I could make him pay up - even the £5 a week you mention skintlady, would be enough for me. It's the principal as much as anything, yes.

thanks again everyone xxx

clearingout

oh and whilst married, none of our children were planned as such. They were all the result of carelessness, bless 'em! Last one was conceived the week he left me - I'm sure he's also very, very bitter about that given that it really, really upset the girlfriend! Still makes me smile!