Giving up!

clearingout

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Well you aren't alone in making that mistake, if it helps.

The NRP in my case has behaved almost as badly as yours, after planning a baby in marriage, which I think shows the NRP in a different light than if they get a short-term girlfriend pregnant and then behave poorly...

Yes, you're not wrong there! Out of interest, what are people's experiences in terms of discussing maintenance? For example, my ex has avoided any discussion whatsoever about money but never has he said he won't pay maintenance, he just doesn't! He's also incredibly manipulative in that he will say and do the right thing at the right time (so he made one payment, through the CSA, literally a week before we were due in court on a maintenance pending suit hearing and part of his argument for not needing to pay was that he was now paying child maintenance which would obviously help cover the gap - of course, he'd started paying so the judge took him at his word...no payments since!) but then doesn't act. Definately a case of actions (or lack of) speak louder than words!

In need of a good scream tonight! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rotfl:

DX2

clearingout wrote: »

In need of a good scream tonight! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rotfl:

Scream away! I think in all honesty you get to a stage where you really have to not give a duck as it really does eat up your time and energy. Just let things take there course and every so often nudge the CSA.

As for child support I often get told to duck off or it laugh's down the phone, big man eh.

DX2

HelpMePay wrote: »

I wish that was the case, there are all kinds of reasons why people end up at the CSAs door. I had paid from the very beginning but that didn't stop a case being opened, although the result was a reduction in payments.

Yeah I see what you mean, also in yonder years from 1993 until just recently you had no choice to get the CSA involved if the PWC was claiming any benefits and I think a lot of NRP didn't take to this very well.

HelpMePay

DX2 wrote: »

Yeah I see what you mean, also in yonder years from 1993 until just recently you had no choice to get the CSA involved if the PWC was claiming any benefits and I think a lot of NRP didn't take to this very well.

As someone already mentioned a lot of it comes down to the ability to have the open and frank conversation. I think a lot of NRPs ended up receiving the call from the CSA, not knowing that the PWC had no choice. The PWC not mentioning it because they wanted to avoid the confrontation or announcing to their ex that they were now on benefits.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a reset button and could put all the preceding bull behind us and sort out what's best for the little ones?

DUTR

HelpMePay wrote: »

As someone already mentioned a lot of it comes down to the ability to have the open and frank conversation. I think a lot of NRPs ended up receiving the call from the CSA, not knowing that the PWC had no choice. The PWC not mentioning it because they wanted to avoid the confrontation or announcing to their ex that they were now on benefits.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a reset button and could put all the preceding bull behind us and sort out what's best for the little ones?

Indeed it's about having an open and frank discussion, but on what topic? It's all too late now that the child(ren) have arrived, you are talking about at least 3 people though (all of whom are important and probably only have one chance at life)
Nobody bought into a relationship of (a) just being a baby breeding machine (b) just being a donator and/or bread winner.
It's a lonely world out there and I'm sure children should be a bridge to that gap, not a hinderance to cross the river

jjj1980

My attempts to discuss maintenance have resulted abusive language, being told I'm mentally ill, that I'm a gold-digger (thats a joke, I was always the one paying for everything whilst together) that she is my financial responsibility not his. If face-to-face, I get sneered at, he leans into my face and swears and shouts (he is 6ft 3, I'm 5ft 3 so this is very intimidating) told he will come and smash his way into my house when I'm least expecting it and take little one and not let me see her again but claim every penny I ever earn and on and on.

The times he does promise payments, there are excuses like his mum's car needed new tyres or brake pads and he's paying as borrows her car, he owed money back to friends, had arranged to go away for weekend with friends and had forgotten so needs his money for that and on and on. If there is an excuse imaginable, he's used it!!

Gratefulforhelp, my little one was also planned during marriage, in a way - wedding had been booked for 8 months and plans made to try for a baby whilst on honeymoon but fell pregnant whilst on pill. So she was planned, she was just impatient! Which proved itself when she arrived 6 weeks early lol.

DUTR

jjj1980 wrote: »

My attempts to discuss maintenance have resulted abusive language, being told I'm mentally ill, that I'm a gold-digger (thats a joke, I was always the one paying for everything whilst together) that she is my financial responsibility not his. If face-to-face, I get sneered at, he leans into my face and swears and shouts (he is 6ft 3, I'm 5ft 3 so this is very intimidating) told he will come and smash his way into my house when I'm least expecting it and take little one and not let me see her again but claim every penny I ever earn and on and on.

The times he does promise payments, there are excuses like his mum's car needed new tyres or brake pads and he's paying as borrows her car, he owed money back to friends, had arranged to go away for weekend with friends and had forgotten so needs his money for that and on and on. If there is an excuse imaginable, he's used it!!

Which proved itself when she arrived 6 weeks early lol.

When my daughter's Mum used to ask about money I used to tell her "go via the csa" She never did until she realised I would no longer be visitng

HelpMePay

jjj1980 wrote: »

My attempts to discuss maintenance have resulted abusive language, being told I'm mentally ill, that I'm a gold-digger (thats a joke, I was always the one paying for everything whilst together) that she is my financial responsibility not his. If face-to-face, I get sneered at, he leans into my face and swears and shouts (he is 6ft 3, I'm 5ft 3 so this is very intimidating) told he will come and smash his way into my house when I'm least expecting it and take little one and not let me see her again but claim every penny I ever earn and on and on.

The times he does promise payments, there are excuses like his mum's car needed new tyres or brake pads and he's paying as borrows her car, he owed money back to friends, had arranged to go away for weekend with friends and had forgotten so needs his money for that and on and on. If there is an excuse imaginable, he's used it!!

You are right, in this case conversation wouldn't help. This is where the CSA should be directing its resources.

DX2

HelpMePay wrote: »

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a reset button and could put all the preceding bull behind us and sort out what's best for the little ones?

If I had known then what I knew now :think: I would have chosen more wisely! Sadly there isn't a reset button and only more hurt, hate, and anger to follow. Waking up and smelling the coffee to realise that no matter what, "he" wants nothing to with "our" child is heartbreaking and not something that you even contemplate. Such is life I suppose. You expect a parent to love a child un-conditionally but the anger that is built up over many years because of child support soon destroys that.

clearingout

so is the answer to walk away from it? I can manage - I have had no choice but to manage - albeit it's tough. Will that improve the relationship between the ex and I for the benefit of the children? We don't talk or argue in front of them - I lost the will on that one a long time ago - so the children aren't experiencing any obvious difficulty in front of them. They're young enough to not really know what they're missing out on at the moment but the eldest is becomming more aware of what other people have and he doesn't and this is what worries me.

I guess the motivation for non-payment is control? not quite letting go of us, having a hand in our futures?