Giving up!

clearingout

I thought I would start a thread as a bit of light-heartedness at the frustrations of ex partners who refuse to pay child maintenance. I am wondering if our collective experiences, knowledge and skill in dealing with non-compliant exs might get us somewhere in getting them to support their children. Kind of like a reverse psychology thing!

So, I am at the point of calling it a day. Ex isn't going to pay. He's going out of his way to hide himself, his work, his business and it's a struggle now keeping up with it. I have found myself wondering if I make a huge fuss of saying 'well, sod you then, I don't need your money' and closing the CSA case would spur him into action. Kind of 'you don't need my money, well here, you must have some then!!!' What do you reckon? Does anyone have any experience in getting a previously non-compliant NRP to start paying? What was the catalyst? Do any of you actually speak with the NRP about non-payment? I never mention it (not that there's any contact now anyway) but wonder if it would be a tactic - to push it in his face, so to speak?! I'm not entirely serious so really don't want a serious thread, but just a place to air some frustrations and see if there's any creativity out there that might work!

DX2

Don't give up that is exactly what the NRP wants! He wants to make things hard for you, stick in there your children deserve their father to support them. It's hard and a bloody long slog but you need to see people only use the CSA as a last resort, if he was willing to pay for his children he wouldn't need a kick up the @rse from the CSA to do so.

I have been known to send an email or two about the lack of child support which usually just ends in a nasty email battle between us I get you're a crap parent blah de blah and I have my favourite son I don't need your one then silence for months on end.

Hang on in there.

gratefulforhelp_2

no point in discussing it with him, though when mine offered to pay less than CSA amount a month, thinking I didn't know about the arrears built up, I enjoyed the letter I wrote turning his offer down enormously!! And kept a copy to show the "qualifying child" when she is adult.

my success involved getting the non-compliant CSA to comply, in turn they eventually got the non compliant NRP to comply. But it wasnt easy for me and he's on PAYE...

don't give up.

kelloggs36

it won't work he will just be pleased that he has got away with it. What made mine pay was the judge at his committal hearing - he pushed it that far hoping that it would go away, but it didn't.

DUTR

As a NRP, I'm sure if I chose not to contribute after CSA demands then I doubt anybody could make me to be honest

gratefulforhelp_2

DUTR wrote: »

As a NRP, I'm sure if I chose not to contribute after CSA demands then I doubt anybody could make me to be honest

but you're special

jjj1980

No advice to give but as a PWC with a non-compliant NRP, just wish someone could explain to me he isn't willing/doesn't want to support his child?

In my case, after breaking his promises to pay, he quit work when the CSA first contacted him, then refused to sign onto JSA as they had told him they would make deductions from his benefit, then following him deciding to sign on about a month ago, has found out the CSA know and are putting an assesment in place so has cancelled his JSA claim! Has actually told CSA he has cancelled the claim to stop them getting anything!

How nasty a person do you have to be to put so much effort into refusing to support your child??

clearingout

thanks guys. It's brought on tears this afternoon. Our eldest's birthday is coming up and I'm scratching around for things to sell on ebay to cobble the funds for a birthday treat. I have two Laura Ashley lamps I bought at a local auction house a few weeks ago for next to nothing - new, labels on them and everything. I know they'll make a small fortune on ebay but I love the darned things and they will go perfectly with the deco in my bedroom when I sell everything else on ebay to get it sorted (!!!). It is so frustrating that I feel I can't even have THAT small treat - something I picked up for next to nothing after weeks of looking (I have a bit of a thing for that particular auction house - does house clearances, sells a ton of crap but there are gems there if you keep at it!) and that I'm forced to give it up 'for the sake of the children'.

As for what kind of person? I don't know how to answer that. The kind of person I married and that really frustrates me. I get so upset with myself that somewhere along the line I mis-read the man totally and utterly WRONG and gave our children that man as a father. It's not fair to them. They are missing out on so much whilst he takes holidays and laughs in our faces. I keep thinking there must be some way of getting through to him. But you're probably all right - there isn't. I just have to keep at it. Sigh.

HelpMePay

DX2 wrote: »

It's hard and a bloody long slog but you need to see people only use the CSA as a last resort, if he was willing to pay for his children he wouldn't need a kick up the @rse from the CSA to do so.

I wish that was the case, there are all kinds of reasons why people end up at the CSAs door. I had paid from the very beginning but that didn't stop a case being opened, although the result was a reduction in payments.

That said, my advice to the OP, is hang in there, he should pay, and your child should have the benefit of the money. If he didn't want to pay when the CSA asked, then letting him off the hook won't help.

jjj1980

Clearingout, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you read them all wrong and giving your children a parent like that. Its exactly how I feel! My friend put it just right today:

"You never actually know a persons true character until you split up after having children together"

And that goes in both directions.

I never thought the person I married would think it ok to lie to me for months, think that just because his dad repeatedly does it to his mum that its ok to sneak your partners bankcard out of the house and empty every penny from their account, refuse to help out at all with the children, house etc then accuse the me of having a mental illness because I told him I was annoyed at how he'd acted.

I think we just have to be strong, focus on our children as the are what matters and just deal with maintainance/CSA/and in my case, divorce issues as they come up then put them to the back of our minds again until next time.

gratefulforhelp_2

clearingout wrote: »

As for what kind of person? I don't know how to answer that. The kind of person I married and that really frustrates me. I get so upset with myself that somewhere along the line I mis-read the man totally and utterly WRONG and gave our children that man as a father. It's not fair to them. They are missing out on so much whilst he takes holidays and laughs in our faces. I keep thinking there must be some way of getting through to him. But you're probably all right - there isn't. I just have to keep at it. Sigh.

Well you aren't alone in making that mistake, if it helps.

The NRP in my case has behaved almost as badly as yours, after planning a baby in marriage, which I think shows the NRP in a different light than if they get a short-term girlfriend pregnant and then behave poorly...