Sod's Law - Part 1 & 2

JoJoB

I live away from family (though the other side of the country rather than the world) and it is do-able if you are happy to basically not have a support network.

We've managed, but there are not that many friends we can call upon for babysitting, so we just don't go out (unless on a family outing). So not much couple-time. There is no convenient granny down the road to drop her off with in an emergency, or to take over when I'm shattered and need some sleep.

In my opinion it would be a shame for baby and grandparents to miss out on that special relationship in the early years. I think the grandparent role can be really beneficial to emotional development. So that's something to consider too.

Personally if your long-term goal is to return to England I would do it before your baby is school-age. Much more upheaval for them at that point. But in the meantime staying put location-wise and job-wise is probably for the best in order to minimise stress, particularly if you are feeling unwell in your pregnancy. Now's probably not the best time for new challenges - just enjoy the main challenge!

onlyroz

Congrats on the pregnancy, and remember that there is absolutely no reason for you to give up your career prospects. If you really want the new job then go for it - but I'd advise that once you've got a concrete offer you should be honest with them about your pregnancy. If you lie/hold back you might end up creating bad feeling if you do end up working there.

mizzbiz

Have to say this thread made me giggle a little at how close to us it is.

We did say we wanted to start a family in the next couple of years and, like you and your DH, we thought it would take ages and we were 'safe'.. We bought a house, rent out a flat and I'm losing my job this summer, so we have huge financial pressures. My aim was to move into the new house, get my business running so it can take over my full time wage and build it up so we could start a family.

Imagine my shock, two weeks after moving into our new 'wreck', to find out I was pregnant. It hit like a bolt from the blue - it was so the wrong time. We were expecting at least six months to get our lives sorted and ready (and the house). Now everything has changed and we are more than a little freaked out.

I've had god awful morning sickness, so not only has my business had to go on the back burner, I have missed loads of work as well. We need to sell the flat as it's now too big a liability with me having to leave work in the summer and we don't know how I will cope running the business A)Heavily pregnant and with a little one to look after.

The house needs huge amounts of work doing before the baby arrives in the autumn and honestly, we just don't know how to cope. I am so exhausted and have been so sick that my husband has been working full time, looking after me and trying to renovate all at the same time!! Every plan that we had has changed. Our carribean holiday cancelled. Our finances having to be reassessed. My husband is currently undergoing interviews for a new job to try and up his wages to bridge the impending huge gap. I have to work out how to run a business whilst looking after a small baby.

None of this is planned - it messes up all the plans we did have!! But guess what - we are in the 2nd trimester now and I have to say, we are really excited and are modifying our lives to make it work. When I first found out, I became a little depressed. The constant illness contributed to that.

The moral of the story is, it works out in the end. You accept it first then even start to get a flutter of excitement. Congratulations by the way!!

shouldstopspending

Hi!

How long are you planning on staying in Oz for after the baby is born? Have you properly emigrated? Do you want the baby to grow up Australian or English? Where in Oz are you based?

I'm originally from UK, but moved to NZ when I was 4... .and count my lucky stars that my parents took me there to grow up ! Life could certainly have been a whole lot different.

I am now back in the UK (9 years), and when I have kids, I'll be moving back to NZ.

I have a neice and nephew in NZ who was 1.5 and 6 - who know me, cos I see them on Skype nearly every day! Its nearly the same without actually being able to give them a big hug!!

The distance is only a plane ride away.

Tough decision though.... just remember, summer here is awesome!!!!! and no giant spiders or snakes :-)

Blue_Monkey

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

If I were in your shoes, I'd stay in my current job and not put any additional stress on myself by changing roles etc. I would also be seriously thinking about returning to the UK to be nearer family.

This, I guess, is ultimately what I'm trying to avoid.

JoJoB wrote: »

I live away from family (though the other side of the country rather than the world) and it is do-able if you are happy to basically not have a support network.

We've managed, but there are not that many friends we can call upon for babysitting, so we just don't go out (unless on a family outing). So not much couple-time. There is no convenient granny down the road to drop her off with in an emergency, or to take over when I'm shattered and need some sleep.

In my opinion it would be a shame for baby and grandparents to miss out on that special relationship in the early years. I think the grandparent role can be really beneficial to emotional development. So that's something to consider too.

Personally if your long-term goal is to return to England I would do it before your baby is school-age. Much more upheaval for them at that point. But in the meantime staying put location-wise and job-wise is probably for the best in order to minimise stress, particularly if you are feeling unwell in your pregnancy. Now's probably not the best time for new challenges - just enjoy the main challenge!

This really plays on my mind - the whole grandparent thing.... It will be a real delight seeing my parents become grandparents.

onlyroz wrote: »

Congrats on the pregnancy, and remember that there is absolutely no reason for you to give up your career prospects. If you really want the new job then go for it - but I'd advise that once you've got a concrete offer you should be honest with them about your pregnancy. If you lie/hold back you might end up creating bad feeling if you do end up working there.

I know, and I don't feel I'd be giving up on the career thing. I guess I'd always hoped I'd progress as much as possible before starting a family so that I could put it on hold for a couple of years. It would be great to have taken this step up first, but I now feel it's not the right thing to do...

Also, I plan to tell them that I'm pregnant as I'd need to understand what my maternity rights are if I was to take the job.

Blue_Monkey

shouldstopspending wrote: »

Hi!

How long are you planning on staying in Oz for after the baby is born? Have you properly emigrated? Do you want the baby to grow up Australian or English? Where in Oz are you based?

I'm originally from UK, but moved to NZ when I was 4... .and count my lucky stars that my parents took me there to grow up ! Life could certainly have been a whole lot different.

I am now back in the UK (9 years), and when I have kids, I'll be moving back to NZ.

I have a neice and nephew in NZ who was 1.5 and 6 - who know me, cos I see them on Skype nearly every day! Its nearly the same without actually being able to give them a big hug!!

The distance is only a plane ride away.

Tough decision though.... just remember, summer here is awesome!!!!! and no giant spiders or snakes :-)

We came over on a 2 year contract (due to run out Feb 2012). We never planned to emigrate and although we've created a nice life for ourselves here, I've found it hard to get emotionally attached and couldn't see us staying long-term.

Saying that, during last night's mini meltdown, OH confessed he'd been secretly hoping that I would want to stay here for the longer term. He's a bit resistant to change in general (which he acknowledges) and we do have a nice life here in that work is abundant, we've got more spare cash than we've ever had, nothing is a struggle (which he fears it will be in the UK economy-wise), so I can understand why he's upset at the thought of leaving here.

I felt awful after this conversation and now am even more confused. Would we be moving back home for the grandparent's benefit or our own?

If I stay in my current job, I might be able to extend my contract and could take up to 12 months maternity leave here. The mat pay is rubbish (6 weeks full pay, 6 weeks half pay) but we could just about manage on OH's salary alone.

But then I think we then 'run the risk' of establishing more and more ties here, and finding it even harder to go home later.

So I guess the ultimate question is not about the job/work, it's about whether we stay here in Oz or go home to the UK...

belfastgirl23

It feels to me like you're thinking a bit 'all or nothing' at the minute. Which is understandable. But this puts a huge amount of pressure on you and your DH to make a decision almost for the rest of your life.

My vote would be to stay put for a fixed period - say 2-3 years. This will get you through to a point where the baby is almost school age and you don't need quite the same level of flexibility. Also it should be clearer what's happening in the UK economy by then and you'd be able to make a more informed decision about your DH's chance of employment. But I'd say set a clear date that you're going to discuss this again. The key time will be when the baby is old enough to think about schools - once you get the settled in school they're less portable. But until then why not make things easy on yourself?

shouldstopspending

I'd stay put too - specially for the baby! Bubs can then get 2 passports :j:j Very lucky baby!

My folks used to bring us back to the UK every few years, and my Nana would visit every year.. and do our heads in!

Having said that, when my sister was pregnant in Melbourne, she spent most of her time hiding in the wardrobe because it was the coolest place in the house!

Oh, and maybe you've not let yourself get attached because you only thought you were there for the short term?

Grandparents can get skype, and can visit... and you can visit here too!

onlyroz

I don't think you need to worry about being "settled" until your child is school age - until then I'd say play it by ear.

Torndao01

Hi Blue Monkey

Congrats. Its sounds as if all the pressure is being put on yourself to make the "right choice". I just thought that remember that coming back now to fit in with the baby doesnt have to be forever.

Having a new baby for most people is all life and time consuming and having good maternity, family and friend support is PRICELESS. Have you considered coming home to have the baby, having your maternity for the full year and once you have got a little more used to being parents consider moving back to Oz.

Your OH loves OZ and the lifestyle you have now. Well this is not the lifestyle you will have with a new baby. Dont want to make it sound rubbish but the reality is, you probably wont have babysitters (no Granparents) so going out is gone. You say the new job is no maternity pay, well there goes the extra spends you talk about. Really think what an average day maybe like once the baby is here in Oz and the UK.

I live 4 hours from family, and have two kids. I love where I live but I cant stress enough how hard it can be not having extra support from family.

Just remember coming back now doesnt mean you cant go back at a more suitable time in your lives.