Sod's Law - Part 1 & 2

Blue_Monkey

For the past year, I've been pestering OH about starting to think about having a baby. I'm 31, he's 32, we've been living in Sydney, Australia for just over a year. I've also spent the past year feeling unsatisfied with my job and have been keeping an eye out for a new one. However, at the beginning of March for no apparent reason I did a complete 180 and suddenly found myself thinking that we didn't need to have a baby now, and that actually I've got it pretty cushty in my current job and that I need to stop living in the future and the what-ifs and just enjoy the now. I'd really embraced my job, we were planning loads of exciting weekends away and holidays and then sod's law makes an almighty crash-landing not once, but twice, in the space of a week.

Sod's Law Part 1. I get a call from a company I've been trying to get a job at for some time, saying that they're sorry it's been months since I met with one of their team, but that person has now resigned and they'd like to know if I'd still be interested. I was tempted to say "sorry, I've got a new-found love for my current job, not interested in yours anymore" but curiosity got the better of me and I went to meet prospective boss earlier this week. The meeting was brilliant; the career opportunity is amazing, the company is great, and she said that she'd like to make me an offer that I can't refuse :T and that she would be travelling overseas but will be back in touch w/c 18 April and in the meantime has set me up with a lunch with another woman in the team.

So I'm riding high and thinking that I'm going to go for the job...

Now for Sod's Law Part 2. I found out yesterday that I'm about 4 weeks pregnant. I've been off the pill for about 18 months and had a rough idea of when I was ovulating each month, so we tended to avoid "doing the deed" around then and we'd use the withdrawal method anyway :cool: - until twice about a month ago when OH didn't *ahem* withdraw. I was pretty sure that I was about a week off ovulating and had always expected falling pregnant to be a real mission and take ages and we had nothing to worry about. OH joked that he reckoned he had 'superswimmers' and that knowing our 'luck' it would happen first time. Many a true word said in jest, right? Cue sore boobs and no period, so I tested yesterday. And again this morning - yep, I'm pregnant...

... and having a little freak out about it.


I always thought this moment would be brilliant, and joyful and happy, but instead me and OH are walking around like zombies saying "it wasn't supposed to happen like this"....

We were going to go diving and surfing and white-water-rafting. We'd just scoped out some new bars and club nights. I had gone from semi-broody to thinking that we need to go hell for leather at being selfish whilst we still could.

OH is really freaking out and has a rabbit-in-headlights look about him. We've been together 9 years this year and whilst kids were always on the cards, now it's actually happening we are both panicking and feeling a bit put out that the timing isn't really great, and that we thought we'd get to plan this part of our lives out a bit more...

Plus I always thought I'd be closer to my family back home when I had kids. I know they'll be really sad that we'll be this far away from them.

And what do I do about the job? I'm expecting a verbal offer w/c 18 April, which I had planned to accept... However, it means it's unlikely that I'd qualify for any maternity pay or even maternity leave with the new company. Plus I don't know what to do about telling them I'm up the duff. Instinct tells me that honesty is the best policy and that I should tell lovely prospective boss when I accept the (written) offer, more out of courtesy than anything... But what if they retract the offer - whilst Aussie law is against pregnancy-discrimination that doesn't mean it might not happen... Realistically, once I've served out my 1 months' notice in my current job, I'm not going to be starting at the new place until I'm about 10 weeks gone and I think it would just look awful if I don't tell them until after I start and think the longer I leave it the harder it will be. Will they respect me for telling them or will they ditch me? I know they've really struggled to recruit and need me to start asap, just not sure they'll be so keen that I'll only be there for 7 months before I need to take tons of time off.

Gah. My head is swimming. And now I feel guilty for not being ecstatically happy.

ailuro2

Congratulations - well you have been together 9 years, were not practising safe sex, the odds of it happening just when you decided to put it on hold and stop worrying about it were of course higher.:)

get some folic acid down your neck if you haven't already.

I know this is goung to sound horribly practical, but 4 weeks pg is pretty early to be making concrete plans, hopefully everything will be fine but lots of couples don't go public till they've had their 12 week scan and made sure everything is proceeding well.

What you can do is ask the woman at lunch about maternity leave, flexibility for childcare and holidays etc, along with a bunch of other stuff of course, like whether the company treats its women worker equally etc...

At 4 weeks gone you don't HAVE to have known just yet...which means you can work out whether the extra money in the first few months of the new job will be enough to see you through maternity leave.;) i'm not condoning lying, just saying there's a bit of wriggle room there to not hand out the information just yet...


At the end of the day you can come out and tell the recruitment person the truth and ask her to be honest in return, she would probably appreciate your honesty, and of course with your method of birth control this could have happened a month after you'd moved jobs anyway, it was just waiting to happen.

p.s. it's a week before and a few days after ovulation as the little swimmers can hang around for up to a week, and the egg is in there waiting for swimmers for a few days.:beer:


eta - it's perfectly normal to go around in a daze, our DD was a pill baby, she's 12 now, and while I felt like I'd been shot in the chest when I saw those two blue lines I'd not swop her for the world - we never managed to have another, so we're very blessed to have her.

Wonder_Womble

BM I think you and H need to have a serious think, then discussion about what it is you want out of life right at this moment in time and in the future. You've pestered your OH for the best part of a year you say, and he was well aware that neither of you were using contraception other than the withdrawl method. Perhaps subconciously he wants a child but just didn't really know it.

At this moment in time is is more important to you both to go on holidays and out clubbing?

If you have a new found love for you current job, would it be so bad not to take the new job, or would you always regret not grabbing the opportunity.

If it were me I would think that there is time for more holidays later. I would speak to the new company about the job, be up front and honest, and see what they say from there. Otherwise if you do take it without telling, (which you don't legally have to at this point) you will no doubt be on a trial period. If they are not happy with what they could perceive as your subterfuge, then they could make your life very difficult if they want, and create a situation where you are dismissed at the end of your trial period.

I gt my BFP 2 days before you and even though I have wanted this for so long and ttc for 10 months, DH and I are still walking round in shock and feeling quite scared by it, but underneath it all were so very happy about it

Plans_all_plans

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

We were going to go diving and surfing and white-water-rafting. We'd just scoped out some new bars and club nights. I had gone from semi-broody to thinking that we need to go hell for leather at being selfish whilst we still could.

With respect - you're 31, not a 17 year old who hasn't been anywhere or done anything!!

If you're lucky you'll have 10 more years of being 'selfish' left (but do you really want to be 41 and a first time mum??? Probably not, so realistically you might have say, have 4 more years of selfishness left. So say you wait 4 years, then sod's law could come into play again later on and you could be back on here saying "we want a baby but now can't conceive")

I think you should just bite the bullet and embrace the fact you're pregnant!!

On the job front: I might think about staying with my current role if I were you, just to qualify for better leave/pay etc. Have a read of all the policies/rules regarding statutory leave in Australia and see what you think. Once the baby arrives, you might want to move back home anyway to be closer to family anyway. BTW, if you decide to move jobs you don't have to tell them your pregnant (in England until you're about 6 months gone) but it depends how happy you are doing that - I didn't tell my new employer I was pregnant til I was nearly 6 months gone. There's nothing they can do but congratulate you really!

Plenty of us have had totally unplanned children, in worse circumstances, far away from family and survived it, so I'd say to you that where there's a will, there's a way. Best of luck.

sjc3

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Sod's Law Part 1. I get a call from a company I've been trying to get a job at for some time, saying that they're sorry it's been months since I met with one of their team, but that person has now resigned and they'd like to know if I'd still be interested.

Now for Sod's Law Part 2. I found out yesterday that I'm about 4 weeks pregnant.

I always thought this moment would be brilliant, and joyful and happy, but instead me and OH are walking around like zombies saying "it wasn't supposed to happen like this"....

I know they've really struggled to recruit and need me to start asap, just not sure they'll be so keen that I'll only be there for 7 months before I need to take tons of time off.

Trust me even when a baby is planned, finding yourself pregnant can still come as a massive shock. Suddenly the realisation of how life will change and all the responsibility can hit you like a ten ton truck. Been there myself. The rosy tinted glasses feeling of 'wont a litttle baby be a nice idea' quickly feel off my nose and was replaced with 'Oh my giddy aunt what have we done' for a while. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel this way. It shows you are responsible and aware of what a huge life changing event a baby is. When you get a 'baby surprise' I imagine that feeling is even more intense.

If this job is such an amazing opportunity why have the company really struggled to recruit? Also why did they leave it months before contacting you. Obviously you have met with them and know the situation best and can evaluate the opportunity for yourself and weigh it all up. Its just a few alarm bells rang for me about this company whilst I read your post.

I feel you have alot of decisions to make, but you do have plenty of choices. If you decide to go for this new job I would be completely upfront about the pregnancy and see what they say. Considering they left it months to contact you they can hardly be surprised if your life has moved on. Just tell them as it is, that you have just found out. You dont have to resign from your current job till they give you a written offer anyway.

It may not feel like it but your are still very much in control. Dont make any rash decisions. Life will work out whatever you decide to do. I wish you all the best.

sjc3

Wonder_Womble wrote: »

I gt my BFP 2 days before you and even though I have wanted this for so long and ttc for 10 months, DH and I are still walking round in shock and feeling quite scared by it, but underneath it all were so very happy about it

Congratulations. So remember feeling just like you do when I fell pregnant with my daughter. A friend of mine calmed me down and said something that seemed weird at the time but was so true. She told me "thats why you are pregnant for 9 months, in that time, all your feelings fall into place, you stop being scared and start getting excited".

A baby is life changing but very much for the better.

sassyblue

Hi hunny, we tried for 7 years and had to have IVF which failed but months later l conceived naturally :j even then at the age of 37 seeing two blue lines was shocking :rotfl:

It's perfectly natural to be shocked when you first get pregnant, just give yourself a couple of weeks to get used to the idea and then see how you feel.

Don't torture yourself, it doesn't mean you're an awful person, just someone with alot of big decisions to make.

BTW l co-run a business but l'm back to work everday in school hours, you can manage - with alot of organisation. Your life doesn't stop when you have a baby you can still have nights out, it just gets put on hold for a while.

Good luck and l'll watch this thread to see how it pans out for you.

Blue_Monkey

ailuro2 wrote: »

Congratulations - well you have been together 9 years, were not practising safe sex, the odds of it happening just when you decided to put it on hold and stop worrying about it were of course higher.:)

get some folic acid down your neck if you haven't already.

I know this is goung to sound horribly practical, but 4 weeks pg is pretty early to be making concrete plans, hopefully everything will be fine but lots of couples don't go public till they've had their 12 week scan and made sure everything is proceeding well.

What you can do is ask the woman at lunch about maternity leave, flexibility for childcare and holidays etc, along with a bunch of other stuff of course, like whether the company treats its women worker equally etc...

At 4 weeks gone you don't HAVE to have known just yet...which means you can work out whether the extra money in the first few months of the new job will be enough to see you through maternity leave.;) i'm not condoning lying, just saying there's a bit of wriggle room there to not hand out the information just yet...


At the end of the day you can come out and tell the recruitment person the truth and ask her to be honest in return, she would probably appreciate your honesty, and of course with your method of birth control this could have happened a month after you'd moved jobs anyway, it was just waiting to happen.

p.s. it's a week before and a few days after ovulation as the little swimmers can hang around for up to a week, and the egg is in there waiting for swimmers for a few days.:beer:


eta - it's perfectly normal to go around in a daze, our DD was a pill baby, she's 12 now, and while I felt like I'd been shot in the chest when I saw those two blue lines I'd not swop her for the world - we never managed to have another, so we're very blessed to have her.

Thank you. I've started on the folic acid and went to go and look at pregnancy vitamins yesterday but just felt overwhelmed... Will get some in the week.

Using my LMP, I'm closer to 6 weeks, but either way, yes it is early days and I think we need to give ourselves a couple of weeks to digest it all.

Good point re asking the lunch-colleague about stuff like that, I will subtly try and work it all in to the conversation.

He he re shot in the chest... This is pretty much how OH and I look.

Blue_Monkey

Wonder_Womble wrote: »

BM I think you and H need to have a serious think, then discussion about what it is you want out of life right at this moment in time and in the future. You've pestered your OH for the best part of a year you say, and he was well aware that neither of you were using contraception other than the withdrawl method. Perhaps subconciously he wants a child but just didn't really know it.

At this moment in time is is more important to you both to go on holidays and out clubbing?

If you have a new found love for you current job, would it be so bad not to take the new job, or would you always regret not grabbing the opportunity.

If it were me I would think that there is time for more holidays later. I would speak to the new company about the job, be up front and honest, and see what they say from there. Otherwise if you do take it without telling, (which you don't legally have to at this point) you will no doubt be on a trial period. If they are not happy with what they could perceive as your subterfuge, then they could make your life very difficult if they want, and create a situation where you are dismissed at the end of your trial period.

I gt my BFP 2 days before you and even though I have wanted this for so long and ttc for 10 months, DH and I are still walking round in shock and feeling quite scared by it, but underneath it all were so very happy about it

Hi WW and thanks for your post. I'm actually really worried about OH as at the moment he can't say anything positive about it and said he wants to pretend it's not happening. I know that we do both want children and to have them together, we're both just having a strop that we're being catapulted in to it all right now. I've told him that he needs to face this, and stop denying it because it is happening; I think he just needs a bit of space and time.

Holidays and clubbing are not more important, but we had all these plans and ideas for stuff we were going to do as one last run at being selfish before we started thinking about kids in the next 12 months or so.... It took a long time to make friends here in Sydney and now that we've settled a bit in that respect, we were excited about having a social life!

I think being upfront is the only way, and if they don't like it, then at least I've got my head around enjoying my current job.

Congrats again! I expect we're probably due around the same time (first week of Dec-ish?

Blue_Monkey

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

With respect - you're 31, not a 17 year old who hasn't been anywhere or done anything!!

If you're lucky you'll have 10 more years of being 'selfish' left (but do you really want to be 41 and a first time mum??? Probably not, so realistically you might have say, have 4 more years of selfishness left. So say you wait 4 years, then sod's law could come into play again later on and you could be back on here saying "we want a baby but now can't conceive")

I think you should just bite the bullet and embrace the fact you're pregnant!!

I know, I know... We have done a lot in our 9 years together and I feel very lucky for that. I've also been paranoid about not being able to conceive :cool: and worried that I would be the one in my group of friends who has to go through fertility woes and be an "old" mum....

Tossing and turning in bed last night thinking about it all has helped me feel more "accepting" of it all. Embracing it might be a couple of days off yet, but I reckon I can get there - it's just OH I'm worried about.

Blue_Monkey

sjc3 wrote: »

Trust me even when a baby is planned, finding yourself pregnant come still come as a massive shock. Suddenly the realisation of how life will change and all the responsibility can hit you like a ten ton truck. Been there myself. The rosy tinted glasses feeling of 'wont a litttle baby be a nice idea' quickly feel off my nose and was replaced with 'Oh my giddy aunt what have we done' for a while. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel this way. It shows you are responsible and aware of what a huge life changing event a baby is. When you get a 'baby surprise' I imagine that feeling is even more intense.

Have you been ear-wigging me and OH chatting about this? Panic springs to mind!

sjc3 wrote: »

If this job is such an amazing opportunity why have the company really struggled to recruit? Also why did they leave it months before contacting you. Obviously you have met with them and know the situation best and can evaluate the opportunity for yourself and weigh it all up. Its just a few alarm bells rang for me about this company whilst I read your post.

It's a consulting role in a niche area in one of the Big 4. The market here in Sydney for my role is really really small, hence the fact that it took over a year to find a new job. They initially didn't have the business case signed off to hire, so I'd met them for a chat for when/if anything did come up. They've just won a load of new clients, so the business case has been signed off and the are desperate for people.

sjc3 wrote: »

I feel you have alot of decisions to make, but you do have plenty of choices. If you decide to go for this new job I would be completely upfront about the pregnancy and see what they say. Considering they left it months to contact you they can hardly be surprised if your life has moved on. Just tell them as it is, that you have just found out. You dont have to resign from your current job till they give you a written offer anyway.

It may not feel like it but your are still very much in control. Dont make any rash decisions. Life will work out whatever you decide to do. I wish you all the best.

Thank you, thank you thank you. This has made me feel 100% better. The compulsive-planner (control freak?) in me has previously conciously decided when things will happen in our lives; we chose when to do what. The fact that this was only a semi-concious decision has made me feel so totally out of control.