Should I allow ex in house to see children?

pigpen

My parents split when I was 3... 20 years later my then 3 year old son said to my mother 'Grandma.. why don't you talk to grandad?' .. My mother looked abashed and said 'Cos I don't like him' ... At which point DS1 fell about laughing... said it all really...

My mother only twice came in my dads house.. once when i was 16 weeks pregnant with DS1 to force me to have a termination.. no chance.. and once when I was very very ill with measles one christmas.

I pass on necessary information to KH (kn0bhead aka the childrens father) and that's about it.. I have a recessed front door so he can stand on the doorstep .. I have the children ready just to put on their coats and kick them out. I refuse to be anything other than civil to him in front of the children.. at mediation I can express my true feelings.. sadly he has wussed on the mediation and refusing to go back.. after he stormed out twice last time. I wouldn't want to be in his house.. and I don't want him in mine!

Jinx

If an ex is not civil or follows your house rules while there then I wouldnt let him in......

I dont see any issue with him saying I'll collect the kids at 6pm and you saying oh dads due soon, are you organised? They are then just putting on coats etc as he gets to the door... And if theyre excited to see him they will be watching for him. As long as you are not scowling the minute he pulls up then i dont think there should be any issue.

It used to annoy the life outta me that my ex would just knock and walk into my house where he had never lived; my response - lock the door so he couldnt just walk in. I just explained to my daughter that its my home too and I want to be comfortable in it. We were civil on the doorstep and by text! Very telling though that I didnt get NEAR his flat, he'd be downstairs like a shot!! Funnily enough he didnt try to cross the doorway when I bought a house with my now hubby...

belfastgirl23

How about a halfway house?

We're coming into the summer now and mostly it isn't a big deal for someone to wait outside or in the hall. So it might be worth taking your ex aside and saying that you've been thinking about it and that you're worried about how you're interacting with each other in front of the children. And that you want to take a cooling off period for the next six months or so where you really have very little contact beyond handover. Make it clear that you need him to treat you with respect both as his childrens' mother and in your own house. And that him being in the house is dependent on this. He will probably get angry and blow up about this but you need to stay calm.

As for the issue of what the children want, what they want is a sense that their parents don't hate each other and can be civil to each other. IMHO as someone whose parents also divorced when I was young, the kids will pick up on the atmosphere if it is as you describe it. And your ex is also giving them messages about how to treat you.

I actually think you've been too nice and too accommodating about access. Of course you want to ensure that your children have contact with their dad. But you also need to establish a routine and a life for them.

As for you hanging around the house waiting for him to feel like turning up with them :mad::mad: I have to say this would drive me bananas. This really does show a lack of respect. In your shoes this is something else I would definitely address. And if he broke the arrangements, I'd be out. After all presumably he can't dump the kids on the doorstep.

Good luck though and well done for trying to do things right...

nad1611

I have to agree with those who feel he shouldn't come into the house. He hasn't behaved in a way that he's deserves to. If you ask him what time he will bring them back and he doesn't naswer, you shouldn't be held to ransome, it's an equal thing,parenting. If you on several occasions make sure you go out, he'll soon get fed up with hanging around waiting and will be more willing to be reasonable. Why should you do all the running, particularly whilst dealing with Arthritis.

One question if you don't mind I'm a little uncertain of your children's ages and why you can't take a bath whilst the kids are there?

Eitherway, you've obviously tried for the sake of the kids to go along with his way of thinking, well now it's time for you to make your own decisions, the more unhappy you are the more this will affect your kids and they obviously spend most of their time with you. I know myself when you have stressful situations that this tends to make arthritis worse, so now it needs to be about your children and you,.
Bringing a more formal schedule seems the only way forward and for you to stand your ground.
The kids may react initially but once they see things running smooothly and a happier Mum, this will have a far greater positive affect than a negative one which will be short lived. Good Luck:)

minimoneysaver

OP I don't think it is right that he is coming into 'your' home and making you feel bad. I do however feel that you overstepped the boundries by asking him to watch the children in your home whilst you were having a bath.... for whatever reason. There are too many conflicting messages for you, him and the children. You need to agree with him what is and isn't acceptable and stick to it.

sjc3

nad1611 wrote: »

I have to agree with those who feel he shouldn't come into the house. He hasn't behaved in a way that he's deserves to. If you ask him what time he will bring them back and he doesn't naswer, you shouldn't be held to ransome, it's an equal thing,parenting.

Very well said. Would he treat anyone else with such contempt in their own home, I would hope not.

His behaviour is giving a bad message to two impressionable little kids. Im sure you go out of your way to make sure they grow up respectful and polite. He will be undoing all that good work by the way he behaves towards you in front of them.

gratefulforhelp_2

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

Hi,

Just wanted to see what people think really as in a dilemma at the mo.

I've just moved (about 3 weeks ago) into my own house with my 2 boys (6 & 9). I've been letting my ex in the house to see the boys whenever they've wanted to even though he ignores me when he's here. He has been taking the boys up to his house (and they've stayed one night so far) but brings them back whenever its suits him and I have to stay in as I don't know when he'll bring them back.

Last Friday when he brought them back (8pm) I asked him if he would stay here for half an hour while I had a quick bath as I'd been helping out at my son's school as was in a lot of pain due to arthritis. He wouldn't as he said he was off out that night. I then said that I was fed up of this as he's basically getting the better deal and that it was one-sided. He response was that he didn't want to be here and that he wanted a separate life and if he'd wanted to come up to my house he'd have moved with me!

So since then I haven't let him in the house. When he picks up the boys I haven't invited him in. The problem with this is that the 6 year old wants him to come in the house and I feel really mean saying no.

It's not been easy having him in the house as I divorced him for his adultery and he's been an absolute pain and been as awkward as possible during the divorce negotiations. I also had to stay in the same house as him for 2 years while we sold it and did all the work, including DIY and making sure it looked as good as possible to sell. Even when we had a buyer he tried to pull a fast one and get more money than the 50/50 split I had to go to court to get.

So, (nearly ended sorry it was so long!) do I let him in for the sake of my 6 year old, or keep saying no and having him upset. At the moment we don't have any formal agreement for access as I've pretty much let the boys decide as he doesn't initiate contact just waits until he hears from me.

Thanks

Rachel

You need to do what helps your sanity most. So long as you are civil, there is no need to let him in, my XH is so rude to me, but I let him in the house so I can supervise contact, he isn't fit to do it unsupervised. I don't want to end up in a contact centre probably 25 miles from home.

However, I limit him to one part of the house, as that is what I need to do to maintain my privacy.