Should I allow ex in house to see children?

Sambucus_Nigra

thatgirlsam wrote: »

No, they have learnt that people have disagreements and arguements but resolve them like adults, for the good of everyone

HTH

So, if you have disagreements and resolve them like adults; why would you say that

plenty of times I would have liked to ban my ex from this house but I know that would make the children unhappy

?

What's the point of having the arguments and disagreements in front of them just to teach them how to resolve things? Seems strange, probably better to stop him coming in altogether and sort out arrangements 'off site' so to speak.

thatgirlsam

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

So, if you have disagreements and resolve them like adults; why would you say that ?

What's the point of having the arguments and disagreements in front of them just to teach them how to resolve things? Seems strange, probably better to stop him coming in altogether and sort out arrangements 'off site' so to speak.

Do you think we purposely had an arguement just to teach them something then? :rotfl:

No, we are human beings, not perfect robots and we have had disagreements , it happens .. I'm not talking about big fights or slanging matches here

We have both worked to resolve them as we love the children, its better for them to have parents who can be civil

I want my children to be able to have Dad in the house, to show them stuff they have made or for whatever reason

For some people this isn't possible but if the OP can rise above her ex's childishness her children will benefit

peachyprice

I think you need to separate the two issues.

You need to formalise contact at times that are convenient for both parents, not just you, and not just him. You need to be able to leave the house and have a life of your own happy that they are with him until X o'clock and he needs to learn to stick to those times. What would he do if you did go out when he wanted to bring them back at some willy nilly time? He's have to keep them.

As for letting him in the house while they are getting ready, TBH, I see nothing wrong in that. To make him wait on the doorstep seems petty to me. Would you make other members of your family wait on the doorstep while your children got ready? Obviously at such an early stage after divorce he shouldn't expect to take his coat off and sit down for a cup of tea and slice of cake, but it takes nothing to be civil and at least let him wait in the hall.

He may be your ex, but you will have a relationship with him for the rest of your life, or until your children are adults at the very least. Why make things more uncormfortable than necessary.

hudgebadger

When collecting the kids I normally wait on the doorstep while I wait for my kids to put their coats and shoes on.
In that 2 minutes I am normally having a quick conversation with my ex about how the kids have been over the last few days, including updates on snuffles, bruises, homework and so forth.
In that time the kids are ready and they give my ex a kiss and are ready to get in to the car.

Like wise when my ex collects the kids I know what time she arrives and therefore make sure that my kids are ready to go by that time. I then update her on anything that has happened over the period that they have been with me while they put shoes and coats on.

Having times that the kids are collected by both parties gives the kids routine, and stability. That is a major thing for the kids so that they know when they are at different places and how long for.

Murtle

thatgirlsam wrote: »

No, they have learnt that people have disagreements and arguements but resolve them like adults, for the good of everyone

HTH

But is it really resolved if the arguement has turned into one party not talking to the other when in their house? To me it isn't :eek:

My parents divorced when I was older, the first time they were in the same room again was at my wedding. I am an adult and know that people don't all have to get on...my parents made it easier by getting on for my day. If one of them hadn't, they'd have been asked to leave.

In comparison to the OP's problem, they were invited to my ground, if one couldn't behave they'd would be treated accordingly. There is no room for rudeness.

Yorkie1234

I think I should just clarify. When he was coming in the house it wasn't just while the boys put their shoes, coats on etc. He was coming in and playing with them for quite a while and traipsing all through the house with his shoes on. While he was in the house he didn't speak to me, and barely answered me when I spoke to him. I also offered him drinks etc while he was here and was always civil to him. Well apart from the occasion I outlined in my first post.

Re the bath - I do take baths when they're with me but on this occasion I just wanted him to stay a little while with the boys as the youngest is still unsettled as we've only been in the house for 3 weeks so it's all new to him, so I could nip in a very hot bath which would have eased the arthritis in my ankles and I would have been able to walk easier and then been able to see to them and get them off to bed. At the moment because the youngest is still settling down I wouldn't have gone up straight away for a bath as soon as he'd left the house.

nottslass_2

The best thing for your Boys is for them to know exactly when and where they are going to see Daddy.



By formalising access arrangements all of you will know exactly where you stand and your ex will now longer be able to exercise any control over you and you'll be able to plan your life around your children's needs instead of your ex's whims.
Like wise you really need to reinforce the fact that he's not your partner anymore and that means not relying on him to watch the boys while you had a bath - surely you could have just soaked your ankles in a bowl of hot water ?

You can have coats and shoes ready for when your ex arrives and other than polite conversation or important information regarding the Boys there wouldn't be any need for him to come in any further than the hallway.

Deviating away from this or letting your ex treat YOUR house as his second home is unsettling and confusing for the children.

DVardysShadow

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

I think I should just clarify. When he was coming in the house it wasn't just while the boys put their shoes, coats on etc. He was coming in and playing with them for quite a while and traipsing all through the house with his shoes on. While he was in the house he didn't speak to me, and barely answered me when I spoke to him. I also offered him drinks etc while he was here and was always civil to him. Well apart from the occasion I outlined in my first post.

Re the bath - I do take baths when they're with me but on this occasion I just wanted him to stay a little while with the boys as the youngest is still unsettled as we've only been in the house for 3 weeks so it's all new to him, so I could nip in a very hot bath which would have eased the arthritis in my ankles and I would have been able to walk easier and then been able to see to them and get them off to bed. At the moment because the youngest is still settling down I wouldn't have gone up straight away for a bath as soon as he'd left the house.

A different take on this. I am not arguing that this is definitely the case, but it is an issue to be thought about.

Is he actually a bit uncomfortable in the same house as you? Is it actually more than he wants to deal with, being in charge of the kids while you have a bath? And could it be that you reacting by keeping him outside is actually reinforcing the image that you were trying to engineer towards a closer situation? [Hell hath no fury etc...]

Loz01

I think I'd let him in the door/hallway while your DS's grab their coats and shoes and thats it! Theres a diff between letting someone in briefly and having them "be in" your house, lounging around etc.

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

I have experience of this, from a childs' point of view. My parents divorced when I was 7, and my dad always made a huge point of not letting my Mum in the house when she would come and visit. Not only this, but he would always reiterate to us that she wasn't to be allowed in.

I have to say, it was horrible. It felt extremely oppressive and unreasonable, and it hurt; my dad could have gone out or into another room whilst she visited and made no comment, or even just allowed her to come and knock at the door when she came to collect me. Instead, she would have to hoot from her car for me to hear that she was there and go out to meet her (a lot of the time I wouldn't hear at first, so that would cause even more stress when she was all riled up first thing on meeting her, after sitting their beeping for 5/10 minutes).

I'm in my twenties now, and I still have bad feelings towards my Dad for that aspect of my childhood; as far as possible I believe that separated parents should keep their quibbles to themselves, and appreciate the mental needs of a child to have 'normal' interactions with both parents.