Should I allow ex in house to see children?

Yorkie1234

Foxwales - thanks for your reply but as you can see from my post I've been more than accommodating. Having someone in your house that doesn't even have the curtesy to acknowledge you isn't easy but I've put up with it because of the boys and because he is their father. I don't use the boys to hurt him and whilst I've been accommodating I have no wish for the boys to see me being treated without respect as I believe this will not benefit them.

newcook

I would say to invite him in while DS gets their shoes/coat etc on. dont stoop to his level of rudeness by making him wait outside.

ask him what time he will be bringing DS back - if he says he doesnt know tell him 'well it will have to be after X time as I am out until then' or 'can you make it before X time as we are going out'

I can see his point of veiw that he feels uncomfortable being in your home when he and you dont want him there so another option would be for you to drop DS at his. get all of you into a routine of days and times - no early drop offs unless its an emergency.

if ex only lives 2 miles away is there any way he would be able to have DS overnight more regularly?

Absolutely

Hi

I can really sympathise. After my divorce, I allowed my ex to enter the house and it always ended in tears and silly mind-games/point-scoring. He'd ignore me, put the kids to bed and I'd ask him to leave but he'd sit down and read a paper! Kids would be very very upset when he left. They saw it as "daddy is leaving us" all over again.

I had to be really tough and decide that no matter how tired/stressed/ill I was, I could no longer call on my ex for support. It just gave him ammunition and him visiting the kids in my house wasn't working.

So I changed it. I formalised access to 2 agreed days per week. I hand the children over at a neutral meeting point between our two houses. I don't go to his house, he doesn't go to my house. The children are happier and no longer cry. They understand Mummy and Daddy do not live together and have seperate lives.

That's just my experience. I don't know what will work for you and I wish you luck.

thatgirlsam

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Do you not think that ignoring the homeowner is abusive?

I'm not sure.. Depends what sort of ignoring it is

That sounds stupid, I'm not sure how to explain

If its blatent ignoring when spoken too or giving off bad vibes, dirty looks etc then yes thats abusive

It might just be that he is not making conversation with Mum then I don't think so

There has been plenty of times I would have liked to ban my ex from this house but I know that would make the children unhappy

And that would make me unhappy so I decided I would rather be happy than 'right' iyswim

But thats my situation, and I did say that if the OP feels threatened, that could be by words or actions then she has every right to refuse him access in her house

Sambucus_Nigra

thatgirlsam wrote: »

There has been plenty of times I would have liked to ban my ex from this house but I know that would make the children unhappy

And that would make me unhappy so I decided I would rather be happy than 'right' iyswim

So them being happy but learning that you can be disrespected in turn makes you happy?

Interesting...

Personally; an ex is an ex - houses are personal space not neutral zones and ex partners should not be tainting that space esp if they are in any way less than pleasant. You got to take back control and have some pride.

hudgebadger

Hi all

As the divorced father that has access to 2 children I will add my experiences.

Firstly a formal agreement between you and your ex is the way to go, as it will change as your children get older and they may want more or less access to their dad. Also agree picking up and dropping off times so that people are clear on the days that he sees the children.

Explain to the children when they will see dad and don't be afraid to ask what they have done when they have been with your ex.

Secondly you will have to still have to have a relationship with your ex.

You have had children with him and although you are not together any more you still both love your children and would like to see them have the best start in life even though you are not together. This means being civil to each other in front of the children and not griping about your ex in front of them when he is not there. Children pick up on this atmosphere.

It is very hard to deal with sometimes, but this is about the relationship that they have with their dad, and also they will see how you deal with each other, either as children towards each other or as mature adults when discussing the children

I have tried not to rant or sound pushy as it is a very emotive subject to a lot of people who are separated.

Chris

sjc3

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

Hi,

Just wanted to see what people think really as in a dilemma at the mo.

I've just moved (about 3 weeks ago) into my own house with my 2 boys (6 & 9). I've been letting my ex in the house to see the boys whenever they've wanted to even though he ignores me when he's here. He has been taking the boys up to his house (and they've stayed one night so far) but brings them back whenever its suits him and I have to stay in as I don't know when he'll bring them back.

Last Friday when he brought them back (8pm) I asked him if he would stay here for half an hour while I had a quick bath as I'd been helping out at my son's school as was in a lot of pain due to arthritis. He wouldn't as he said he was off out that night. I then said that I was fed up of this as he's basically getting the better deal and that it was one-sided. He response was that he didn't want to be here and that he wanted a separate life and if he'd wanted to come up to my house he'd have moved with me!

So since then I haven't let him in the house. When he picks up the boys I haven't invited him in. The problem with this is that the 6 year old wants him to come in the house and I feel really mean saying no.

It's not been easy having him in the house as I divorced him for his adultery and he's been an absolute pain and been as awkward as possible during the divorce negotiations. I also had to stay in the same house as him for 2 years while we sold it and did all the work, including DIY and making sure it looked as good as possible to sell. Even when we had a buyer he tried to pull a fast one and get more money than the 50/50 split I had to go to court to get.

So, (nearly ended sorry it was so long!) do I let him in for the sake of my 6 year old, or keep saying no and having him upset. At the moment we don't have any formal agreement for access as I've pretty much let the boys decide as he doesn't initiate contact just waits until he hears from me.

Thanks

Rachel

Sounds to me as if he pulls all the strings still. It may be worth contacting a solicitor and getting a formal access agreement set up. That way the kids seeing their dad can be a compromise between you both rather than everything being on your ex terms.

If your ex cant treat you with some consideration and respect, whilst in your house, I dont think you should feel you have to let him in. Why should you feel uncomfy in your own home.

FBaby

I don't understand the bath business, do you say that you don't take baths when your boys are in? because of safety? I have been doing things in different rooms than my kids since my youngest was no older than 3ish. I would live the door open to hear, and usually do it when they were in front of the tv, but asking your ex to stay whilst you are naked in the bath, that is a bit strange.

As for the arrangements, why not agree on something set every week/other week, but then agree possible flexibility around other times. This is what I do with my ex, even though we don't get along. It works out quite well most of the time and I think it really benefits the kids to have that flexibility. As to the issue of being in the home my ex used to sometimes come over, he even stayed a few times overnight so the kids didn't have their routine changed if i went away (only three times in many years), but his girlfriend put a stop to that. Not a problem for me, and the kids are older, it makes sense they go to his place. I wouldn't have a problem him coming in for a few minutes, or if the kids wanted to show him something in their bedroom for exemple, but I wouldn't have him in the house whilst I'm there.

thatgirlsam

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

So them being happy but learning that you can be disrespected in turn makes you happy?

Interesting...

Personally; an ex is an ex - houses are personal space not neutral zones and ex partners should not be tainting that space esp if they are in any way less than pleasant. You got to take back control and have some pride.

No, they have learnt that people have disagreements and arguements but resolve them like adults, for the good of everyone

HTH

Zoetoes

I don't think it's nice for the kids to notice that dad waits outside for them.

Yes he's being awkward being ignorant but be the better person and maybe just pretend you haven't noticed and talk normally to him, like about what the kids have been up to etc. He will eventually start being normal.

The kids will want him to come in now and again, maybe to show him something, like a picture they've put on the wall etc.

I know it's hard and sometimes it feels like you could remove his heart with a blunt spoon and sleep like a baby that night but you will get past that in the end!