Should I allow ex in house to see children?

Yorkie1234

Hi,

Just wanted to see what people think really as in a dilemma at the mo.

I've just moved (about 3 weeks ago) into my own house with my 2 boys (6 & 9). I've been letting my ex in the house to see the boys whenever they've wanted to even though he ignores me when he's here. He has been taking the boys up to his house (and they've stayed one night so far) but brings them back whenever its suits him and I have to stay in as I don't know when he'll bring them back.

Last Friday when he brought them back (8pm) I asked him if he would stay here for half an hour while I had a quick bath as I'd been helping out at my son's school as was in a lot of pain due to arthritis. He wouldn't as he said he was off out that night. I then said that I was fed up of this as he's basically getting the better deal and that it was one-sided. He response was that he didn't want to be here and that he wanted a separate life and if he'd wanted to come up to my house he'd have moved with me!

So since then I haven't let him in the house. When he picks up the boys I haven't invited him in. The problem with this is that the 6 year old wants him to come in the house and I feel really mean saying no.

It's not been easy having him in the house as I divorced him for his adultery and he's been an absolute pain and been as awkward as possible during the divorce negotiations. I also had to stay in the same house as him for 2 years while we sold it and did all the work, including DIY and making sure it looked as good as possible to sell. Even when we had a buyer he tried to pull a fast one and get more money than the 50/50 split I had to go to court to get.

So, (nearly ended sorry it was so long!) do I let him in for the sake of my 6 year old, or keep saying no and having him upset. At the moment we don't have any formal agreement for access as I've pretty much let the boys decide as he doesn't initiate contact just waits until he hears from me.

Thanks

Rachel

Mad-Frog

I think you should try and sort some form of formal access to the boys, while I admire you for doing what the boys want (and the ex btw) it needs to be agreed between the parents, the boys will soon get used to the days, weekends when it's Daddy's time

6 yr old will adjust given time, that I can promise

Good luck

Yorkie1234

Thanks. I was wondering if this would be the way to go. I think what stopped me before is that I wanted them to feel that they could see him when they wanted rather than me saying 'No you can't see him as it's not his day', especially as he only lives about 2 miles away.

thatgirlsam

Unless he is violent or abusive then I would let him in.. it is also your son's home so he should have the right to have his Dad visit is he wishes

Its not nice to be ignored but I would just busy myself with something else, or politley ask him how long he will be there then pop off to the shops or something

No-one should have to feel threatened in their home so unless you do I would say let him in if it makes your son happy

ankspon

Tell him to arrange regular access so you know when he is coming and going,do not let him in the house and when the kids are with him you go out and do what you have to do,if he brings them back early without letting you know then it's tough,he's hardly gonna leave them alone.Stand your ground,he's an ex an dictating when you should wait in for him.

pigpen

Why would you want him in?

If he had nowhere to live or safe to take the children that is different.. he has his own home and can take them there.. I wouldn't invite him either it is not necessary.

The 6 y/o needs to understand daddy doesn't live with you and has his own house and while you want him to spend time with daddy you don't want to and daddy doesn't want to spend time with you so it isn' appropriate he comes into your home.

You do need to set formal contact by te sounds of it.. a regular routine for the sake of the children if nothing else.. it isn't good for them to be shunted about and not know when or where or how long. H is deliberately messing you about in order to keep control of your life.. you need to make him aware this is not acceptable. The solicitors usually want you to go through mediation to set up contact as it is cheaper than going trough courts and solicitors and a lot of the time the court won't accept an application unless you have tried to sort it through mediation.

As for baths.. you do that the second they leave the house! Then you go out or tell him you are going out and will be back at X time in order for the children to be returned!

And the parent with the children is often taken advantage of and gets the raw end of the deal.. they let you down, mess you about and pee you off... if you can keep his to a minimum all the better. I never thought my childrens dad would not want to see hem and he does everything in his power to get out of it.. to the point of booking holidays when they are off school.. it disgusts me, but the children cotton on very quickly where they stand. My older 5 refuse to see him.. the little 3 are still happy to go.. but I don't tell them when he is having them half the time because he often doesn't turn up.

Sambucus_Nigra

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

At the moment we don't have any formal agreement for access as I've pretty much let the boys decide as he doesn't initiate contact just waits until he hears from me.

Well, get formal agreements made then. As it's not working is it?

zzzLazyDaisy

This is a home that you are making for you and your children. You are entitled to feel comfortable in your own home. He is a guest in your home and if he can't treat you with respect, or at least be civil, then you are entitled to ask him to wait outside.

He is no longer your partner, he has no right to come into your home and treat you with contempt in front of your children - what sort of message does that give them.. Of course you both remain joint parents and need to have contact with each other as far as the children are concerned, but that does not mean that you have to put up with him being in your personal space.

Make him wait outside and explain to the children in a neutral and unemotional way that mummy and daddy are no longer married and you would prefer that he doesn't come into the house.

Yorkie1234

Thanks for all your replies. It looks like a formal arrangement is the way to go.

Pigpen, re the bath: The school thing I was doing was with my oldest son at his school so when we finished and returned home, I sorted out something to eat for us and then ex returned with youngest who he'd picked up from school and had at his house. I just asked him if he could stay for half an hour so I could have a hot bath before getting the boys to bed as walking was painful at this point. Obviously any other time I'd have a bath while the boys were with him!

foxwales

My parents divorced when I was young and it was really difficult seeing my mum and dad take pot shots at eachother and using us to hurt one another.

Don't let the same happen, it's not fair on your kids and it really dies affect you seeing your parents like that.

Whilst he sounds like an a55 to you, he is still their dad; and for their sake be accomodating and bite your tongue for them.

Being separated will be hard enough for them without them having to deal with issues in their own home.

Sambucus_Nigra

thatgirlsam wrote: »

Unless he is violent or abusive then I would let him in.. it is also your son's home so he should have the right to have his Dad visit is he wishes

Do you not think that ignoring the homeowner is abusive?