Best way to say no to lending money?

ilovecheese

Hello everyone!

I have a very good friend (been friends for over 30 years) and in the 30 years we have known each other she has always been in debt.

The debt situation is getting worse, and on a few occasions in the last couple of months she has indicated that they are having problems with paying for food.

Now, I used to have massive debts, so I know how it feels to have no money, I am debt free now, with a bit of money put aside in my "rainy day account" not a massive amount but enough to cover major expeses if needed. (My friend is aware of this, and aware I have quite a nice amount of disposable income every month.)

I have a sneaking suspicion that my friend is going to approach me for a loan, and I really do not want to lend her any money.

We are really good friends, but she has no idea about sticking to a budget, she is saying to me "we have no money, how are we going to eat" when I know for a fact that they both have very expensive mobile phone contracts and she is also still spending money on clothes. I would be more than happy to sit down with her and go through her budget, but I just don't think they would be willing to change their ways or adjust their spending, and this is why I do not want to lend her any money, as I would be really P*ssed off to find out she had booked a holiday whilst still owing me money (if I lent her some) as this is the type of thing she does.

Even when they have no money they still spend as if they did have money.

I would like to have an answer ready for when she asks!

Any thoughts or suggestions welcome!

Threebabes

Could you not explain that its been a long road getting to where you are and you are not comfortable lending your savings out in case of anything happens? I wouldnt dream of asking anyone to borrow me money.

belfastgirl23

I would approach it by telling her that you care a lot about her and that you have been where she is and that people lending you money was part of the problem because it meant that you didn't have to look at your spending. Tell her that you're not prepared to help her to get into the mess you were in. Tell her that if she needs a shoulder to cry on or a square meal you're always there for her. And that you've been through it and do know a bit about dealing with money problems and your door is always open if she wants to use you as a sounding board.

But do not lend her the money, it would be the end of your friendship.

gonzo127

hm tricky one

maybe something along these lines

- why cant you go through a proper loan company (we can all probably guess its because their credit rating is shot), as they are better suited to do these things as they are regulated, were as ours would be based on our friendship, and if you was to lose your job or just have a really bad month, although i would understand, i know you would feel really guilty about not being able to pay me back and i dont know about you but i wouldnt want to put that sort of guilt on someone i loved.

if you want my help with how to deal with you debts, as you know i have gone through it all myself, i am more than willing to help you with that and sit down with you to see what you can do to get yourself in a better position

McKneff

Tell her all your savings are tied up in a 2/3/5 year fixed ISA, that will stop her in her tracks.

If she cant afford to pay her bills now, she still wouldnt be able to pay them plus an extra payment to you.

Help her physically, car boot sales, ebay, etc. but lending people money is the surest way to end a friendship.

ilovecheese

Some excellent replies! thank you all very much! This is why I love this website!!! :j

Fang_3

Pre-empt this by saying that you've just received the projections for your private pension and it's much lower than you expected so you've started a new investment bond which takes up the majority of the disposable income for the next five/ten/fifteen years. Or share save at work, or another pension. And then tell her you've moved your current savings into a (relatively) high interest account that penalises any withdrawals and has a three month wait.

Then after that point her in the direction of MSE and she'll be able to grow up and take responsibility for her own situation without jeopardizing your friendship.

vesper

My partner had this happen to him the other week, his mate is going through some severe financial problems and knows that we have a nice nest egg which is there for emmergencies and eventually will be a deposit on a house. He just told him that we couldn't lend him any as the money was all tied up in Isas and couldn't be got at easily, and that anyway that was rainy day money for us and if something happened that we wouldn't have anything to fall back on. Luckily his friend understood but did push the mater a few more times.

Tell her that you will help with a budget for her, sorting out a garage sale like Mckneff said. Or if she gets really desperate a food parcel or stuff like pasta at least she can't complain she's starving then.

balletshoes

I would just say I have a policy of not lending money to friends or family. You could though, offer to help her go through her incomings/outgoings, and see if she could cut back a bit to they have food and a roof over their head.

BitterAndTwisted

People who spend like they're rich and complain that they haven't got enough money for food do not want to be helped with their budgeting: they want to be loaned money so they can carry on spending like they're rich. It usually takes something really nasty to happen before they'll wake up and smell the coffee. That something nasty does not usually include putting a life-long friendship at risk

Blobby8_2

Its better to GIVE than to lend, in my experience it usually costs the same too, and you lose a freind. Win win win.
If you refuse you may lose a freind, but a least you dont lose any money.