Elderly father possibly victim of con artists. What to do?

simpywimpy

Hi Sarah, didnt want to read and run. I really do feel for your position. My dad is now on his own and at 81, becoming more forgetful and frail. Although he doesnt have the problems your dad is experiencing, I do worry about how easy it is for him to be misled and therefore conned.

There should be someone from Age UK attached to your hospital that your dad might feel okay talking to. He may find them more approachable than a social worker.

I do hope you manage to get all this sorted out. Just make sure you also take care of yourself. Caring for relatives can be very draining, especially as you're not local.

Wishing you all the best x

joeblack066

I strongly suspect that my MIL's Social Services provided cleaner is 'grooming' my ex MIL before conning her. She constantly bemoans her situation, has repeatedly told MIL that she, her husband and 2 teenage sons only get £100 a week to live on, and does about 10 minutes cleaning when she us paid for 2 hrs. (MIL pays £11 an hour for this). MIL won't hear a word against this woman, and tho MIL acknowledges that she is a shoddy cleaner, will not report her as 'she needs this job with her problems'. I am monitoring the situation ATM, cos she might just be a lazy c*w, but if anything else changes I will ring Elder Abuse. You should do the same.

Errata

joeblack066 wrote: »

I strongly suspect that my MIL's Social Services provided cleaner is 'grooming' my ex MIL before conning her. She constantly bemoans her situation, has repeatedly told MIL that she, her husband and 2 teenage sons only get £100 a week to live on, and does about 10 minutes cleaning when she us paid for 2 hrs. (MIL pays £11 an hour for this). MIL won't hear a word against this woman, and tho MIL acknowledges that she is a shoddy cleaner, will not report her as 'she needs this job with her problems'. I am monitoring the situation ATM, cos she might just be a lazy c*w, but if anything else changes I will ring Elder Abuse. You should do the same.

Report her yourself.

Bronnie

So to hear of your situation OP.

One thing I would say, re your dad being furious about you looking into his affairs and your dealing with this situation is that you now have to stop thinking of yourself as the "child" in this relationship.

He surely knows his life is out of control. An angry response is probably to be expected, if you work through that angry response; in my own experience you'll find a person who is desperate for help for the situation they have got themselves into.

You father is not coping with life, you are trying to make things better for him. If he is angry with you, so be it. Where he looked after you as a child, think of it as the roles reversed. It is not easy to do, but keep in your mind that it's for his own good.

Whichever professional/organisation you are dealing with, ensure what you say to them is documented and perservere. Whilst you don't have POA, there is nothing to stop you making an appointment to speak to someone at his bank and explaining the current situation face to face. Once his next pension payment has cleared his overdraft ( or some of it), the bank could cut the overdraft limit to prevent it happening again for a start. With the pattern of cash withdrawals you describe, my suspicion is definitely that he is being milked.

There was another thread on here about a similar situation recently. Do you have safe possession of your father's bank cards and other important documents whilst his home is unoccupied? Does he have savings/investments? Have you checked thos?

Do you know for sure who has access to the house? I don't think it's over-reacting in the circumstances to spend a few quid and get the main lock changed tbh.

Wish you well.

RedBern

sarahs999 wrote: »

No, it isn't. It's the bank's money. It stopped being his money when he went overdrawn. Same with the 10k on the credit card.

that may be so - however, the bank will have to live with the loss - not you. If he wants to borrow money from them - and they're stupid enough to lend it to him, then there's choices in life and he's making them.

melancholly

well, one of the side effects of long term alcoholism is failing memory/judgement, particularly problems with carrying out intended plans.....

it sounds like you need to have a difficult conversation with him... it may end up being a row and it may have a long term impact on your relationship. however, doing nothing isn't an option and you have to think about what's best for him rather than what will make for an easier life.... seen it happen at close quarters with dementia and it's hard, really hard. Bronnie sums it up - you are now the 'parent' in the relationship.

if you're not ready to have a big talk, there are small scale changes you can make. it seems strange to me that you don't have a set of keys for his house (it may just be my family where we all have keys to each other's homes?). as your mother's death was so recent, was everything to do with that arranged properly (informing banks etc)? would that be a way in to starting to help.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Korsakoff-Wernicke's Psychosis. Basically, dementia caused through alcoholism.

You would be shocked as to how much it is possible to spend upon feeding an addiction, even before you add in the socially acceptable cover story of being a wine buff. Just because he used to be able to spend £150 on enough wine for a few days, he could easily be finding as his money has run out, that he has to top up the fancy stuff with the street drinker's poison of choice. Never mind that he could have been topping up the posh wine with posh spirits previously, so is dropping down brands on the one he always kept secret to maintain the illusion of control with the fancy crates of the other.

Of course, being recently bereaved, he doesn't have the person who probably protected him from the extreme consequences of his behaviour (such as chasing off his drinking buddies and making sure the bills are being paid) anymore, and he is likely to still want someone to convince him it's not his problem - so when lonely and seeking validation, the best people are those who do not judge, ie, the ones that will sit and drink with him. So he could be buying friends who aren't necessarily fleecing him, but don't react to him in the same way a person without alcohol issues would do. Social class doesn't make one alcoholic a better person than the next alcoholic, after all.


Depends on what the hospital say, really, what happens next. IF your father hasn't told them that they aren't to give you details about his private medical information. Which it is - he still has the right to confidentiality. If the illness is purely alcohol related, you can expect him to complain of painful vitamin injections to try and counteract the malnutrition, for him to have been on a stepped detoxification schedule, very bad LFTs, talk of a referral onto an alcohol programme, etc, etc.

It's a horrible thing to have to watch happen to anyone. In all reality, it is saving you a lot of painful memories, not seeing him all the time.

Errata

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Korsakoff-Wernicke's Psychosis. Basically, dementia caused through alcoholism.

Something I suggested in post #20 . It's far more common in the elderly than people might think.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Errata wrote: »

Something I suggested in post #20 . It's far more common in the elderly than people might think.

Yep, I just used the fancy medical term in my post (I do apologise for not clicking on your link first) to differentiate between 'standard' dementia/Alzheimers and the alcoholism caused variety.

Linked to frequent alcohol withdrawals and/or vitamin B deficiencies caused by excessive consumption of alcohol, especially when drinking in preference to eating properly.

(in case anyone doesn't want to click on Errata's very helpful link)

Mojisola

AgeUK have a useful leaflet about elder abuse - https://www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/relationships-and-family/protecting-yourself/