Elderly father possibly victim of con artists. What to do?

sarahs999

A bit of background: my mother died six months ago and my dad now lives alone. His health has been failing; he lost a lot of weight very quickly, he barely eats, his voice has descended to a whisper and he is increasingly angry and irritable. All clear signs of depression, but my father was brought up by Victorian parents, he cannot and will not talk about emotions, knows no other way than to button it up and get on with things.

I live 100 miles away and work full time, plus have my own family now, so only see him every four or five weeks. We talk on the phone about once a week but he is very hard to engage in conversation; he never asks me anything so basically I ask the same few questions each time (how are you, who have you seen, any appointments, what have you been up to?) and then just talk about what I have been doing. it's not that he's uninterested, he just has no social skills.

His life, on paper, is quite active. He is chairman of the golf club, treasurer of another society, is active in Rotary and meets friends every sunday and Tuesday. But his days are monotonous and unchanging. Get up late, feed the birds, go to the golf club and drink beer (occasionally soup), go home, fall asleep, wake up later, drink wine late into the night, wake up about 4 and go to bed, start again the next day.

When we arrived to visit him this past weekend he clearly was very ill. It took him 15 miutes to get downstairs to let us in (we have keys but he had put the latch down). Then he had to sit on a crate of wine in the lobby for half an hour before he could move to the stairs, took several goes to get him back into bed. All the time insisting there was nothing wrong, swearing and shouting that he didn't want a doctor. I got one to him anyway, who helped us get him admitted to hospital.

So far so simple. However, as we were getting together things for his hospital bag, I came across receipts that were very odd. Receipts for very cheap nasty booze (special brew, cheap whisky), and cigarettes, none of which would be for him (he is a wine conoisseur). His bank statements, which are lying around undealt with, show a sudden massive overdraft, and huge, frequent withdrawals of cash (ranging from £100-£300, sometimes several days in a row). There is nothing to show for this cash. Petrol, food shops and most other things are done on his card and show up on the statement.

At the same time, I was told by his cleaner that she had opened the door to a 'shifty' looking couple once when dad was out who said he was supposed to be taking them to a local benefits/housing association place. This is very unlike the normal behaviour of my dad. She refused to tell them where he was as she didn't like the look of them, thank god. I then found a card from a man and a woman saying 'thank you' to my dad and hoping he got well soon - which is very odd as he had only just fallen ill and not been out.

My father is a very proud man but I am beginning to suspect - no, strongly suspect - that he is being manipulated into giving sums of cash to this couple. I have asked his friends and noneo f them know of this couple. In addition, before my mum died I mentioned to her that a strange man had been to the door asking for dad, and she reacted very strongly, saying that he was a bad sort and dad needed to keep away from him, and that for some reason dad was helping him out, taking him to job appointments or interviews, letting him use the phone etc. I've found out since he targetted several elderly frail people on our street and is known for being a nuisance.

I realise I have to talk to dad about his financial situation, but I am utterly dreading it. He will be furious that I know. He is being Charged £10 a day for being overdrawn, his DDs and SOs are being refused as he has no money in the account. He actually has a very decent pension, but has thrown it all away in the past few months. On top of this I have found motoring offences letters that he has not dealt with, demanding payment or court cases will ensue. He is clearly in way over his head, but I am sure he will simply not let me help him.

I want to know what I can do to stop this couple hanging round my father. I have no evidence, it is purely circumstantial. I have no idea if dad will admit to giving them money. A neighbour who knows the story went to see him today in hospital and asked him who this couple was; he denied all knowledge. Can I alert the police, or will they just tell me they can't do anything without proof? Is there anything else I can do? At the moment he's safe because he is in hospital, but as soon as they release him he's a target again.

Sorry for the long post, but I need to write it all down to help me think it through. I'm an only child, before you ask, so the burden (and the potential inheritance) is on me.

Lordhightiggythe3rd

Firstly hope ur dad gets well soon and glad you have come across this now so hopefully u can do something about it and help you dad get back on track.
I dont know if the police can do anything about it but a phone call tocthem wont hurt and if this bloke is known for picking on elderly ppl perhaps the police know about him and may beable to help you out.
Hope some one comes on here that knows a bit more and can help

meritaten

I would ring Age Concern - I am sure they will have come across this before and will have advice. Its really difficult when you have a proud stubborn parent, but sometimes you just have to override them. a call to the police if you think your dad may have loaned them the car or if you believe that they may be con artists wont go amiss either. If your dad was as ill as you say, then its unlikely he was using the car wasnt it?
I do hope your dad gets better soon - but it will make it more difficult for you if he refuses to see that he has been conned. and I am a bit concerned that this may be a family member........you say your mum knew about someone who came into his life and was bad news? this may be why your dad doesnt want you to know.

jillymit

Not wishing to alarm but just thought it might be worth mentioning.

Hospital is kind of 'open house' at visiting time and it doesn't necessarily mean he won't get a 'visit' there if these unsavoury types find out where he is.
It might be worth mentioning to the ward sister that you have suspicions about what's going on. She won't be able to do much about it to be honest but has a duty of care towards your Father so may just check with him all is well and ask them to leave if she suspects he is under any duress.
As he is in hospital he may be approachable regarding his finances under the guise of you sorting his bills out as he's not at home to sort them himself?

Good luck, I hope you are able to help him out.

sarahs999

Thank you everyone. I should have made it clear that until last week he was capable of driving himself around. Frail, but not immobile. The illness this week is what's taken him completely off his feet.

Also I don't suspect this original man of being the problem. I think it's this new couple that have appeared on the scene. The first guy was Portuguese; these two, from their names, are English.

And thanks Jillymit - I was only saying to my husband today that I was worried they would figure out where he was and try to visit. The problem is that the hospital is pretty hopeless - I have enough trouble getting information out of them about how dad is, let alone trying to get them to understand that there may be some undesirable visitors and could they keep an eye out without alarming dad... but you're right, maybe when I get to see her face to face I can mention it. Thanks.

jenhug

would your dad agree to you having power of attorney?

coolcait

sarahs999 wrote: »

A bit of background: my mother died six months ago and my dad now lives alone. His health has been failing; he lost a lot of weight very quickly, he barely eats, his voice has descended to a whisper and he is increasingly angry and irritable. All clear signs of depression, or alcoholism...

...his days are monotonous and unchanging. Get up late, feed the birds, go to the golf club and drink beer (occasionally soup), go home, fall asleep, wake up later, drink wine late into the night, wake up about 4 and go to bed, start again the next day.

...Then he had to sit on a crate of wine in the lobby for half an hour before he could move to the stairs, took several goes to get him back into bed. All the time insisting there was nothing wrong, swearing and shouting that he didn't want a doctor. I got one to him anyway, who helped us get him admitted to hospital.

So far so simple. However, as we were getting together things for his hospital bag, I came across receipts that were very odd. Receipts for very cheap nasty booze (special brew, cheap whisky), and cigarettes, none of which would be for him (he is a wine conoisseur). His bank statements, which are lying around undealt with, show a sudden massive overdraft, and huge, frequent withdrawals of cash (ranging from £100-£300, sometimes several days in a row). There is nothing to show for this cash. Petrol, food shops and most other things are done on his card and show up on the statement.

...

I have found motoring offences letters that he has not dealt with, demanding payment or court cases will ensue. He is clearly in way over his head, but I am sure he will simply not let me help him.

I have no evidence, it is purely circumstantial.
.

I'm sorry to be the one to point it out, but there's a lot of circumstancial evidence to suggest that your father has a serious drink problem. That could be the cause of his ill-health and his financial problems.

Don't overlook that possibility - even though it can be more frightening, in its way, than the idea that your father is being conned.

bluenoseam

As much as you'd like to ignore the previous alcohol link, the timing would also play heavilly - his wife (of however many years) has recently died, that's enough to make any man turn to drink.

Savvy_Sue

Action on Elder Abuse may be able to advise.

bestpud

I agree he sounds an alcoholic and it is very likely his taste for fine wine has diminished as the addiction has taken hold.

You see your dad so rarely you don't really know him tbh and alcoholics are often brilliant at hiding things.

Motoring offences aren't that unusual for an alcoholic, sadly.

It's possible his 'friends' are simply drinking buddies who think he can afford to pay for them, rather than con artists.

It's also possible the man your mum spoke of was a debt collector and they have had money problems for a while.

So many scenarios but I have to say I find it odd you are thinking of him as a burden and are concerned about your inheritance over his health and well being!

NickyBat

is it possible for you to maybe take a week off work and go and stay with him when he comes out of hospital that way you will be around to see exactly what is going on and therefore be able to make a better decision on what to do about it all.