Ex MIL problems

Savvy_Sue

joeblack066 wrote: »

My biggest worry is that MIL will 'lose the will to live', and then DD will blame herself? I have to do this tho. Any words of support guys? X

I think you have to instil in DD the conviction that we are all responsible for what we make of our lives. Things don't always go the way we want them, and we can make a choice: either hold a pity party or make the best of it.

It's true, she's had a bum deal, I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to have your dad die when you're only 9, never mind that you're with him when it all kicks off. And then to lose your grandad too, yup, that's tough. And yes, it's tough for your MIL too, but that's just it, it's tough! So, what do you do with it?

I can't imagine it was your life plan to become a single mum, either, but you've had to make the best of it - and we can all choose to do that.

IF your ex MIL loses the will to live, that is HER CHOICE. It will not be your DD's fault. Not in any way at all.

But of course the ex MIL may find a new lease of life as she will have even more to complain about ...

the phrase involving water off a duck's back springs to mind!

Wickedkitten

joeblack066 wrote: »

Following on from all the helpful replies, I have to tell MIL today that my DD does not want to stay over anymore. This is going to be an awful conversation, and I am dreading it, but I know it needs to be done. My biggest worry is that MIL will 'lose the will to live', and then DD will blame herself? I have to do this tho. Any words of support guys? X

You are an absolute star for what you have done for the woman, seriously you are. If MIL wants to be melodramatic and lose her will to live, that's her choice to do so, and neither one of you should blame yourselves or feel guilty for wanting to live your own lives rather than pander to her whims.

Nenen

joeblack066 wrote: »

Following on from all the helpful replies, I have to tell MIL today that my DD does not want to stay over anymore. This is going to be an awful conversation, and I am dreading it, but I know it needs to be done. My biggest worry is that MIL will 'lose the will to live', and then DD will blame herself? I have to do this tho. Any words of support guys? X

I really hope it all went well with your mil today. I've only just seen this thread so couldn't post earlier but one thing spings to mind - namely, do you know what you ex husband did in terms of visiting his grandparents? If he did much less than your dd does then it might be worth mentioning this too , maybe stating you know what teenagers are like, remember how *son's name* used to be in his teens.

I always think it is so sad when some elderly people become so negative and bitter and drive away the people they most want to be close to. You sound as if you need a sainthood to me for what you've done, as does your dd. Please don't let her make either of you feel guilty.:A

Caroline_a

I've been thinking about this today, and hoping you are doing ok, OP. Emotional blackmail is a horrendous thing to do to yourself and to a young teenager... and that is what it is, make no mistake. You have done the best you can for this woman and she demands more and more. If I were you I would be telling her that her demands are in all probability pushing her granddaughter away most efficiently. You sound like I was with my first MiL, trying to please her, but never succeeding. It took me a long time to realise that I would never be able to please her, whatever I did. This is a huge burden to place on a 15 year old's shoulders.

In a way it's a little like someone with an addiction problem - only when they realise that they need help and want to help themselves can they be helped. Pandering to their every need isn't the way to help them, you have to stand back. You say that your MiL might 'lose the will to live', but she might also learn how to become more independent when she has to. With DD I would tell her how she is growing up and therefore able to make her own choices when to visit elderly relations, and that if grandma has a problem with that, then it is grandma's problem and not DD's!

joeblack066

Many thanks to all for your help and support, you have given me strength to deal with this! I spoke to MIL tonight, and told her very matter of factly that DD will not be staying over for the time being. She seemed to accept it and had a little chat with DD afterwards. Hopefully we will be able to carry this resolve forward. Thanks again.

monkeychops

I am glad you have spoken to your MIL and she was ok with things. I have the MIL from hell!